#ask-pauli answer

[ask-pauli-amorous]

An anonymous ask reads as follows:

My parents know about my boyfriend, but not my girlfriend (they know her, but they think we are just friends). I'd really like to bring up the fact that I'm with two people, but I'm really scared they won't understand and they'll think I'm cheating on my boyfriend or something (I'm 17, btw). The funny thing is, I didn't have nearly as much difficulty when I told them I am bisexual...

There is currently a lot more awareness of bisexuality than of polyamory, so it makes sense that this is harder to talk with them about. Be prepared for your parents to conflate bisexuality with polyamory, even if only briefly, as they begin to wrap their heads around this. Methods of coming out to parents which I have seen people utilize:

Writing a long, heartfelt letter on very nice paper. This person used this method because he and his mother had trained together in calligraphy, and he knew that if he used calligraphy in his letter, she would understand how important it was to him.

Letting the parents know ahead of time, one-on-one, that you have multiple partners and that everyone involved would like to meet them, and then having a family meeting for the parents to really have a chance to start to get to know the previously unknown partners.

Bringing the established partner with them to tell the parents, then bringing in the other partner(s) to meet the parents after they were able to read the parents' reactions and make sure it was safe.

The very fact that you are 17 means that your parents will give less weight to your words than they will when you are in your mid-20s. You may face some misunderstanding and bad assumptions. These things - if they do occur - will fade over time as they see firsthand what your relationships are all about. If you don't mind that, then don't let it stop you coming out (just like the bisexuality). If you do mind that, then you might want to hesitate. I am personally a big fan of the bring-all-the-partners-over method. It makes sense to let your parents know ahead of time that you have something important to talk with them about, so they can be ready. It also makes sense to let them see first hand like that how comfortable both of your partners are with the other one's role in your life. I leave you with these questions to consider in your choices:

Do both of your partners feel comfortable with you telling your parents?

Do they actively desire you to be out to your parents?

Do you want to tell your parents?

If you do decide to come out, how will you go about doing it in a way that is compassionate towards everyone involved?

[ask-pauli-amorous]

It is perhaps wisest to bring that up prior to this person becoming a partner. I typically find that simply living honestly so it's no secret that needs to be divulged is the best way to go about it, but not everyone is or can be so blunt. If you're really nervous about what that person might think, try mentioning casual stories about your friends' poly relationships. You can use that to gauge where they're coming from.

[ask-pauli-amorous]

I think I am watching my partner and her girlfriend fall apart and I don't know what to do.

There may not be anything you can do. Without knowing the dynamics of your relationships, it is nearly impossible for me to offer advice beyond the generic “you don’t have to take sides” thing. Good luck!

[ask-pauli-amorous]

I was just talking to a guy on kik who said he was my age and pressured me into giving him selfie then told me he was way older and wanted to do things and now I'm scared he doesn't have any info about me other than that selfie but I'm so so scared please tell me there's nothing he can do Jesus Christ I'm shaking and I can't breathe

I am not going to tell you there is nothing he can do because I am unfamiliar with kik and I don't know how that system works. Please consider printing out copies of all of your messages, and taking them to the police. They can tell you whether or not you are in danger, and if you are, they can help you solve this. You aren't alone. Even if this random guy does try something, you aren't powerless. You can get through this. Good luck.

-Pauli

[ask-pauli-amorous]

This question is along the lines of your blog but I'm not quite sure it fits. Dame vs. Sir, hero vs. heroine, sir vs. ma'am. Lady titles and fella titles. Should an effort be made to neutralize them? Or maybe add a neutral one in there?

It’s very, very hard to change a language by design rather than by popular trend. That being said, I personally think adding more kinds of vocabulary is preferred over neutralizing anything. Diverse vocabularies make for far more interesting and concise conversation, so I do not like the idea of neutralizing titles. Plus, there are lots of folks who strongly identify with one or more of the words you have listed, and I don’t ever want to take words away from people. Adding neutral titles would be absolutely fantastic because it makes for more options both in terms of conversational vocabulary and personal identity words. What do you think?

[ask-pauli-amorous]

the nice thoughts challenge!!! once you get this you must say 5 nice things about yourself publicly and then pass this onto 10 of your favorite followers!

This is a great idea! Thanks for picking me!

I’m smart.

I’m pretty.

I give great massages.

I cook really, really well.

I have learned to take the time to enjoy my life as it happens.

[ask-pauli-amorous]

Hi! I saw your post about during menstruation cis-women's hormone levels are most like cis-men's. Just curious - what's the source? I'm curious to read more about that! Cheers!

The post is a quote from timemachineyeah. If that isn’t showing up anymore, then it means someone removed the source. I apologize for that. Check with timemachineyeah for further details.

[ask-pauli-amorous]

Is it okay for people in poly relationships to dictate the sex lives of their partners?

That really depends on what you mean, and on the people in the relationship you’re talking about.

Examples of polyamorous situations where that is okay:

In polyfidelity situations (such as a closed triad or quad), it is common for those involved to lay down ground rules that limit each other’s sexual behavior with outsiders. This is okay because everyone involved is consenting to this limitation.

In polyamorous arrangements that are not polyfi, some people will elect to be sexually intimate only with those who follow particular safety practices with their other partners. Sometimes the utilization of this particular set of safety practices with other partners becomes part of the agreement between lovers. Again, this is okay because everyone involved is consenting to this arrangement.

Any other situation wherein all parties have discussed limitations and have fully informed consent are also okay.

Examples of polyamorous situations where that is not okay:

Forcing or coercing someone into sexual acts they do not wish to perform is not okay. This goes for pressuring people into sexual acts with other people, not just sexual acts with yourself.

Consent is the key here. If no one consents to being limited with their other partners, then you have no right to dictate their actions with those people. If someone is doing something with other partners that you’re not comfortable with, and they say they will continue doing so after you’ve discussed it with them, then it’s up to you whether you want to stay involved with the person, and if so, at what level.

Hope this helps. I sense a specific situation may be behind this question. Feel free to send me fanmail or an ask if you’d like personal advice.

-Pauli