My Fiancé of 6 years and I have an amazing personal relationship. We live together and he is great with my kid too! Everything is wonderful except for the severely lopsided sex life. Originally I tried to push it, but he couldn't handle it. Because of not wanting to pressure him, our arrangement for the past 5 years has been that if he is feeling amorous he just needs to make the first move. About 2 years ago I found myself spiralling into darkness in search of some unhealthy things to help fill the void where my sexual nymph is to help control her. Luckily, I found a person who was kind and gentle yet offered me the safe place to be myself entirely no judgement, and its been amazing to feel whole and wanted. I continued to see both men.
My fiancé had an ex who said she wanted to be poly but it was unhealthy, so I definitely didn't want to bring up that again. But I have made hints and references to "imaginary"/real life situations to try and breach this with him. In all his responses he'd prefer to be ignorant. He has always joked about me continuing to have multiple bf's (I was in an open physical group before him) even though I was completely monogamous until I met my Dom. I tried to keep that part of myself separate and contained and it worked, for a while. Since meeting my Dom and gauging how my fiancé would prefer to be aware I only spend time with my Dom when my F is at work and I'm off. I only talk sparingly w my Dom when my F is off so as to be present and engaged in both of their lives.
Hurting either of them is anathema to me and I know if we could all cohabitate I could make them both happy simultaneously. He knows my Dom as we've had him over for dinner, but he wasn't overly fond of him (mainly BC my F sensed my Dom wanted me) I know I've made a mess of things but I know they both love me and I them!! Yet I cannot seem to bring myself to lay out the truth of the matter to my F and risk hurting both of them.
This is not polyamory, it is cheating. You are cheating on your fiance. By carrying on a relationship that he doesn’t know about, you rob him of the chance to consent. You don’t get to decide for him what he would want to know - you say you “gauged how he would prefer to be aware,” but you are not psychic and you cannot make decisions for him. You don’t get to decide that because he makes jokes about polyamory, he somehow acknowledges and consents to your affair deep down. You speak for your fiance a lot here - you “know” you could make them both happy if you lived together; you say he would “prefer to be ignorant.” You need to rely less on assumptions here and recognize that others are not obligated to share your reality. Open, direct, honest conversation is what’s needed here.
I think you need to take a bit more accountability for the situation you’re in and the choices you made to get there. You refer to your sexual desires in the third person, as if you have to do certain things to “control her.” But you are responsible for your behavior, you are not at the mercy of some sexual force within you that demands you do certain things. You say you cannot seem to bring yourself to tell your fiance the truth, but what’s standing in your way is yourself. It’s not an issue of “I physically cannot do this thing,” but “I am unwilling to do this thing because the consequences will be so unpleasant.”
You say hurting either one is “anathema” to you, but that ship already sailed. It isn’t telling your fiance about the cheating that will hurt him, it’s the cheating. And you’ve already done that. It’s no longer about the “risk” of hurting him. That’s pretty much a given. You can’t undo what has already happened. You can’t spin this situation so that you come out getting everything you want - you are going to have to face the consequences of the choices you’ve made and take steps to move forward in a healthy way. You don’t want to have a conversation with your fiance where you confess to cheating, you don’t want to have to face the hurt your decision caused - but you still have to do it. Not wanting something doesn’t mean you can avoid it.
From what I have seen, it is nearly impossible to transition from cheating to healthy polyamory. Saying “Hey, I’ve been seeing this guy behind your back, but it’s totally working out, so now that I’ve confessed to this betrayal, I’m asking you to be cool with it!” does not work. If your fiance is not meeting your needs - if you need someone else to make you feel “safe” and “whole” - then maybe you need to leave that relationship. It sounds like you found an arrangement that works for you - you get some of your needs met by your fiance, and others met by the man you’re seeing on the side - but just because it works for you doesn’t mean it’s right or works for anyone else.
I think you need to come clean to your fiance and let the chips fall where they may, then take accountability and be mature when you go to clean them up. He will almost definitely be angry and hurt - you can’t prevent that, and you need to do your part to accept and honor his response. If he is able to take the higher road and open up your relationship, he is a saint and you should work that much harder to support him emotionally. But that is, honestly, an unlikely scenario. Do not try to argue him into it, don’t act like he has no right to be upset because he ‘joked’ about polyamory or because your affair hasn’t prevented you from being present to him (in your opinion). Do the right thing now and handle the consequences with grace and accountability.
