#polyamory advice

[idontknowhathisdoes]

ok polyamourists and relationship anarchists, as someone relatively new to the scene, i need some advice. how do you get over your unrequited feelings for someone when you love eachother in different ways but you dont want to end the relationship?

[rotationalsymmetry]

Some notes about polyamory for the ill-informed:

If someone wants one sided polyamory (they get to date multiple people/one other specific person AND you, you don't) that's bullshit and you should tell them to go fuck themselves.

Don't date a couple. If a couple wants you to be involved with both of them, that is bullshit and you should tell them to go fuck themselves. (You can make an exception for a couple who mostly date separately if you really want to, but generally it's best to date people one on one.)

Don't move to be with someone who would not move for you.

Don't move in with someone that you've known for less than a year or invite someone that you've known for less than a year to move in with you, especially if there's going to be some sort of "Dave is in a relationship with both Bob and Martin" thing and Martin is being asked to move in with Dave and Bob. Ditto if it's both Martin and his husband Luke. Regardless of genders that's not the point (acruallt this is usually a m-f couple dating an f, or a quad of two m-f couples, but again not the point.)

Don't have sex without a condom with someone who "doesn't like using condoms" unless you're monogamous and it's been a few months since either of you has fucked anyone else AND you really trust this person/have had a long time for this person to build trust with you.

Be skeptical about people who have a live-in partner/spouse/kids who insist that they are "non-hierarchical" or that if you dated them you would be treated equally to their live-in partner/spouse/parent of their children.

Don't make someone your top priority if you are not their top priority. (ie, if someone has a life partner and you don't, and you want to date them, have fun but don't make life partner style sacrifices for them. Don't pay to put them through college. Don't bail on friends to go on dates with them when going on dates with you is the dead bottom of their priority list. Don't let your career plans or education plans or life plans get disrupted over them. And if you can't keep yourself from treating them like a potential life partner? Stop seeing them.)

Wanting the same thing out of a relationship is key. Poly people should not date people who want monogamy. People who want a live in relationship should only date people who don't if they are ok with that particular relationship not going in that direction. People who are very cautious about STI risk should not date people who have very little caution (and aren't willing to adjust for a partner.) Etc.

Part of that is if you are in a monogamous relationship and one partner announces they now understand themselves to be polyamrous, usually that's going to end the relationship. Not because polyamorous people cheat or anything, but because most people want monogamy and when one person wants polyamory and one wants monogamy they don't want the same relationship.

Polyamory isn't cheating, but if someone is cheating and then says they want polyamory, most likely they are just trying to legitimize their cheating and are not able to offer healthy polyamory.

You can love someone and not be able to have a good relationship with them.

A relationship does not have to be for life to be a good relationship.

A relationship does not have to be a live-in relationship to be a good relationship.

If you want polyamory, start as you mean to continue. Don't get into a relationship and later open up, start relationships with the understanding that both people are free to date other people.

If you're polyamorous and want to date a monogamous person against recommendations, or someone who's curious and not sure whether it'll work for them long term or not, don't dial things back to "build a foundation". Act the way you want to keep acting so they get used to things the way they are going to be. A monogamous foundation does not work as a foundation for a polyamorous relationship. You need a polyamorous foundation.

Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you (unless you don't want sex in which case don't have it.)

[starberriemilk]

Hey, I was wondering if you could maybe help me with this, because I am incredibly now at polyamory, I have no onw around me that I could talk to and I don't know how to act.

Okay so basically, i have been with my partner for almost 3 years now. We were completly monogamous until a few months ago, when they went to study abroad. We have a huge time difference (9h) and we have never been apart for more than 1 month, so long distance has been hard on us. Not even 2 weeks of being aborad they met someone and started to develop a crush.

I had no worries and said it would be okay for me if they would try something out, but I also said that i don't know if I would be comfortable with them developing feelings for each other. Fast forward a few weeks, they actually developed feelings for each other and I stopped feeling comfortable with them kissing or having sex. My partner and I talked about it and we came to the conclusion that we want to try to actually open our relationship.

See the problem isn't with my partner or the guy they found, because both of them are 100% okay with everything. I am the only one who feels terrible about my partner having romantic feelings for someone other than me. But I really want to try for my partner. (I dont know if a non-monogamous relationship is for me, right now it doesn't feel like I can do this, but like I said I really want to try for them).

I feel jealous and anxious and sometimes angry. I don't want to feel this way. We talked about things that could help me get over these feelings, including my partner spending more time with me and me actually getting to know the other person.

(I also thought that it could maybe help if I also had someone else, but I don't know if I actually want that. Also it hurts when my partner says that they don't care if I have someone else.)

Moreover we made the "rule" that we should take it slow and that I am currently not comfortable with them sharing bodily affection, like kissing or having sex. We're hoping that as time passes my bad feelings would go away and they can slowly start doing these things again.

Now coming to my question: Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? How can I figure out where my bad feelings are coming from? What else can we do to reduce my bad feelings? I would appreciate your help soo much. Thank you!

UM HELLO! I'm.. Not completely sure why you've sent this to me out of all people! I'm just a silly minor that posts about Limbus Company and I barely talk about being polyamorous or give advices to people publicly <:'DD

Not mad or upset!! Just confused!

Either way I really suggest you to ask that to people more experienced than me, here are some polyamorous blogs I follow that helped me and other people a lot!: @polyamorouscultureis @polyamoryfacts @polyamzeal

But if you really want to hear my opinion- I can tell you, just please take this with a grain of salt because I'm just an inexperienced stranger on the internet that's a minor too!;

The most important thing in any relationship is these two: Be honest and communicate. Tell your partner how you feel, no matter if it will hurt them or not, because your feelings matter. If I was in your situation, I would have a big talk with my partner where we discuss our feelings and talk about what we both want and trying to find a compromise

If you'll figure out that you don't feel comfortable being in a polyamorous relationship- That's completely okay and valid. Don't force yourself to go through feelings of jealousy and sadness just so your partner can be happy, both of you are important in this relationship. And if you'll tell your partner that, I'm sure they'll understand if they'll love you, they may feel hurt, but it's better to hurt someone this one time than being hurt for the rest of your relationship

However, if you'll figure out that you're fine with in a polyamorous relationship, or perhaps you just wanna try and see how it'll go, I have some advices on how to deal with being jealous. Again, be honest and communicate.. As simple as that, this is always a key to a problem in relationship. What I do, is when I feel jealous that my partner gives love to my other partner, I just ask if I can get attention too, if I can get a kiss too, if I can get a hug too, and this works wonders! If I felt like my partner neglects me, I just say "hey, you've been spending a lot of time with x, can you spend some time with me?". I know asking that stuff may be anxiety inducing, and as a person who has anxiety I really understand! But it's worth it, if your partner loves you, they'll understand

There's also polyamorous people who ask their partners to do things like, sex or even kissing with other people, away from them, and never speak of it. Some polyamorous relationships have some kind of "hierarchy" where a partner gives more attention to one person than another and everyone consents to it and are fine with it... there is a lot of things that you can consider with your partner

Just please, remember that your happiness is as important as your partner's, and remember to be honest and communicate, good luck with your relationship and I hope you'll find a good solution to your problem 💜 If you need to talk more or want to update me on this, my DMs are always open!

Despite being just a silly blog, my DMs are here for people who need help, just as long as y'all know I'm not a specialist and I'm just a silly teen on the internet that has some experience in life

[danlipolyamadv]

Navigating the Troubles of Polyamory: Challenges and Growth

What is polyamory? Many people have the wrong idea of polyamory especially now that it is trending. Polyamory is defined as the practice of having multiple romantic or sexual relationships simultaneously with the consent and knowledge of all parties involved. This lifestyle has gained increasing attention and acceptance in the recent years. While polyamory offers unique opportunities for love and…

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[polyadvice]

One of my partners dislikes one of my other partners - what should I conclude about this?

So I am currently in a V relationship (Still have NRE from new partner), but have a few comets that I interact with. One of my partners doesn't seem to like one of my comets and gets mad whenever I had mentioned them. Is this something that you think is problematic? Does this seem toxic or is it more insecurity?

First, I must get on a soapbox. If you want to skip straight to me actually trying to answer this person’s question, scroll down.

I hate to say this because it makes me sound like an out of touch boomer who thinks “cancel culture” is the same as “my grandkids don’t think the tv shows I like are funny,” but I don’t know how else to say it - you’ve got to get off tumblr. Or tiktok. Or whatever corner of advice, language, and ideas you’ve been hanging out in.

Because I can’t actually answer the questions you asked.

First, you described your partner’s behavior in 2 sentences, then asked me if I think it’s "problematic.” I don’t know what that means! Does “problematic” just mean “problem causing?” What is a “problem?” Is it anything that causes minor annoyances, or does being “problematic” mean that something is a serious relationship issue requiring examination and change?

And what does it matter if I, an anonymous advice blogger, think it’s problematic? It’s your relationship! What would you gain from knowing whether or not I think it’s problematic?

What are you really asking me? Are you asking me if I think you should break up with this person? Are you asking me if I think your partner is behaving 100% reasonably? Are you asking me what I think you ought to do in response?

Then you ask “Does this seem toxic” - again, you’re deferring to whatever my perspective is on this issue, like I’m some high court of relationships. Plus, the word “toxic” - what does it mean? It’s just as vague as “problematic,” and I genuinely can’t help you here.

Finally, you ask “Does this seem toxic OR is it more insecurity?” Friend, first of all, you can’t contrast behavior with mental state; those aren’t an either/or situation. People can behave in “toxic” ways because they feel “insecure.” One doesn’t exclude or excuse the other. It’s not like there are two categories of people: “toxic, problematic people” vs. “people who are acting out of insecurity.”

Second, I do not know your partner! I do not know you! I do not know your relationship! You’ve given me two sentences, and then asked me to make a ruling on whether a person is being “problematic” or “toxic,” then asked me to theorize about their emotional motivations. You cannot reduce a person to those labels! People are complex!

The focus on psychoanalyzing the people in our lives and sorting them into neat categories is something I am seeing a lot in corners of the internet that focus on relationships and well being. I think it is an unhelpful worldview, because it leads real people with real, unique, complicated problems to reach out for advice with a framing that will render any answer meaningless.

Here is where I actually answer the question after parsing its framing:

If your partner’s behavior is bothering you, you have a right to speak up about it. And you get to decide how big of an issue this is. If it’s something that bothers you but isn’t feeling like a major unmet need - like, of course it would be nice if all my partners got along, but I can’t realistically expect that, so let’s just agree to disagree and be civil - then you can ask your partner as a matter of politeness to just keep their thoughts to themselves. If they do, great. If they still don’t, then it’s a matter of them being rude and not respecting your reasonable request.

If it’s something that is causing problems to the point that you’re reconsidering the terms of your relationship, or if it’s impacting your relationship in a significant way, then you’ll want to address it differently. You’ll want to be open with your partner about how it’s affecting you, and ask them where these comments are coming from. You two then need to talk about how you’ll manage a relationship where metamours dislike each other like that, and you may even find that you have irreconcilable differences about that.

You can also decide to shrug it off if it doesn’t bother you enough to want to make an issue out of it. There is a wide spectrum of completely rational responses to this situation, depending on your specific individual circumstances. All of it has to do with really concrete questions, like: “How do those statements make me feel?” “Am I okay feeling that?” “What needs to change for me to be okay?” “How is my partner responding to my questions and requests about this?”

Other people might make different choices in your situation, and that’s okay! No one else gets to be the arbiter of what you should or shouldn’t tolerate in your relationships. Focus on what you need and what and how you’re feeling and what you’re doing - that’s the context you need to determine whether something is actually a problem.

[apolybird]

Advice for polycule home-buyers/household consolidation

So... we are at about the two month point on consolidating our polycule and buying out house. It’s been amazing. AMAZING. I love having my people just a room away. No more traveling and scheduling. We just get to exist together. I get to cook for everyone! It’s magical. 12/10. Would recommend. But it’s not been without its pitfalls and lessons learned. So I thought I’d put forth some advice that I’ve garnered on the road to polycule cohabitating bliss. There have been no major mishaps, but we’ve had a few difficulties and a few instances of “Whew... glad we did this like we did.” And of course... this advice won’t be for everyone. It centers around us purchasing a home together and I get that won’t be everyone. But that said... there’s a few ideas in here that are universal, I think. ------ -First and foremost... be not afraid. I SAID BE NOT AFRAID! But okay really... it can be tempting to assume that everyone is anti-polyamory. And while socially, you're guaranteed at least a raised eyebrow or two, legally and economically no one gives a shit. And if people do give a shit, walk out the door and go find someone else. I promise... you’ll have your choice of companies and people. I can say this with confidence because I live in Alabama. No one gave a shit. Not so much as a comment, question, or weird look. The only time it came up was when we were planning for what happened to the house if one of us died and the lawyers were just asking “Split three ways or split between the married couple and the other guy?” The only positive thing I have to say about capitalism is that it is at least is a-moral enough to not be conservative in this regard. They want to do business. If someone buys a house, everyone makes money including them. Doesn’t matter who’s doing the buying. Queer money spends just like everyone else’s. -When you decide to move in together, set up a group email account and make sure everyone has easy access on all their devices. Do this before you start the buying process or at least before you start consolidating services like utilities, internet, and anything else where having a collective point of contact will make things easier. We have had a lot of re-work to do regarding connecting our services to a place where we all have access because since I took care of setting up a lot of contracts, services, and appointments, they’re all defaulting to my account. That means any changes have to go through my private email. Not ideal. And this leads me to... -Before you start setting up payments for things like the mortgage, utilities etc, get a collective bank account. Do this after you make your household email so security codes and such go there. You can go back and do actual budgeting later, but trust me... it will be so much less work if you have this set up ahead of setting up services. And a sub-point on this one... go for a large chain bank. They are better for things like integrating with Quickbooks, money transfers, and auto-payments. There are a lot of times I champion going local... this is not one of them. Small local banks don’t have the manpower to sustain integrations like that. -Before everyone moves in together, it’s not a bad idea to have a decent guess of some of the harder-to-track expenses like groceries, subscriptions, etc. I’d suggest using a tracker like Mint to see where everyone’s money is currently going. Some things will consolidate... others might not... but you’ll be able to take a stab in the twilight rather than in the dark. -Financial conversations are hard, but it’s a good idea to have the sit down to talk about goals before digging in together. Go ahead and rip the bandaid off at the beginning. And if you’re all flailing madly and don’t know where to start, get someone to help facilitate the conversation. If they’re a friend, you might be able to pay them with dinner, but you might have to invest in some expertise. Do it. Don’t be embarrassed. I promise, no matter what your questions or issues are, rest assured that you’re not the first to ask. And don’t feel like you have to go to some big fancy accountant or investment firm... I’m serious when I say you might be able to find a friend who can just help facilitate the conversation. Who do you know that has their shit together financially? Just ask them what they did and that might at least get you started on your own conversation. But either way... do it. And if that’s impossible because of your anxieties, really interrogate that. It’s less harmful with one person or maybe two... but with a group working together, it’s important to be able to converse about the subject of finances, financial goals, and such. If everyone can talk openly it removes a lot of instability and the issue of inequitable players.  -Similarly to the above, a regular family meeting time is not a bad idea. We do it once a week on Sunday mornings. It doesn’t have to be anything formal or long. Just a sit down to talk about goals for the week, make requests for help, and just generally catch up. Again, it keeps things open and equitable. We use an app called Clickup to help facilitate our conversations... the house we bought is a fixer-upper so there are a lot of projects going. If there is resistance to the idea of taking 15-30 minutes to catch up as a group... interrogate that issue. It’s going to seem like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, but better to deal with a molehill than a mountain.

-Also it’s going to seem at first like “quality time” will just happen because you all live together. It doesn’t. Make sure you still set aside some time for each other, however that needs to look for your arrangement. For us it’s easy to spend time one on one, but as a group, we have to do that on purpose.  ------ So that’s it.  We’ve had such a blast getting settled in. Sometimes it feels like we’ve always lived like this and sometimes I can’t believe it’s already been two months. Hope some of our lessons learned help future polycules! 

[polyintheburbs]

My boyfriend and I have recently decided to go on a 'break' for the supposed good of our relationship. He seems to think we can make it work in the future, but I'm really upset. The reason for the break is because we are in LDR, and the partner he lives with has expressed jealousy Every Time he texts or calls me, outside of their dedicated time (during which he wouldn't text me at all.) He said it feels like one or the other of us is always upset over not getting enough attention, but he barely talked to me before and now he doesn't talk to me at all. He said that I can't even flirt with him anymore, and that I'm only allowed to talk to him (basically) at their shared convenience. I feel like his partner was the one making rules for my relationship the whole time, and it doesn't feel very fair that he apparently wasn't 'allowed' to talk to me, even though talking was literally our only relationship. Am I being crazy? :/ How do I get over this stupid hurt??

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it's difficult.

It sounds like you are more committed to making things work than he is. Being in LDRs are challenging, especially if there's someone there closer.

If he only wants to talk to you when it is convenient for the two of them, you are not being taken seriously as in a relationship. I know it's tough to hear, but this is not a healthy, sustainable relationship and I encourage you to break it off completely.

Time will heal. Distract yourself with hobbies, work, spend time with friends.

Good luck and let me know how things turn out.

[kimchicuddles]

The "best of" comic compilation "Ask Me About Polyamory" is just the first 4 years of my comics and I think now I'm at somewhere like 7 years?? I keep saying that when I hit comic #1000 I'll make an updated collection of some sort with commentary on the earlier comics and what I think now.... but I guess I better get on that because I'm at #952 lol Anyway, you can find all my current books here: tikvawolf.com/books