i have realized i do not feel emotionally or sexually safe in open relationships, so i must stop dating people who want non-monogamous relationship structures.
no, i will not change my mind. i thought i would. but my body simply will not allow me to feel safe if i am not engaging in monogamy.
i used to think this was a fault of mine. like i was a fraud for being liberal if i couldn't engage in this seemingly higher level of resource sharing. but i've since knocked those ideas out of my head.
i've changed a lot in my 27 years on this planet. i've had to shed so many layers of social constructs to become this genderqueer pansexual being who survived a catholic, conservative upbringing and chronic illness in a capitalistic society.
i've had to push the boundaries of so many things to get to this point in my life. but i think i've landed on what i want. i do like questioning norms, but i've realized i like some norms too. (admitting that sometimes feels like i'm selling out, but i'm simply accepting myself for who i am and what i want.) but the important part of experimenting like i did is that i don't really judge any other perspectives or lifestyles (as long as they aren't harming others).
trying out polyamory made me a more open-minded person. it made me see how capitalism plays a huge role in our familial, romantic, and platonic relationships. how scarcity influences my and many others' view on life. how i can find a happy medium between dreaming of an idealistic society without rules yet also live in the reality of the late-stage capitalistic hellscape that is the united states.
i'm still carving out my place in this world and figuring out exactly what i want in relationships (romantic or platonic). but i know i must honor my body and mind in what it wants. i must live my life in authenticity and honesty. i see no other way.