irises in your eyes

healing, living, being human

[irisesinyoureyes]

i have realized i do not feel emotionally or sexually safe in open relationships, so i must stop dating people who want non-monogamous relationship structures.

no, i will not change my mind. i thought i would. but my body simply will not allow me to feel safe if i am not engaging in monogamy.

i used to think this was a fault of mine. like i was a fraud for being liberal if i couldn't engage in this seemingly higher level of resource sharing. but i've since knocked those ideas out of my head.

i've changed a lot in my 27 years on this planet. i've had to shed so many layers of social constructs to become this genderqueer pansexual being who survived a catholic, conservative upbringing and chronic illness in a capitalistic society.

i've had to push the boundaries of so many things to get to this point in my life. but i think i've landed on what i want. i do like questioning norms, but i've realized i like some norms too. (admitting that sometimes feels like i'm selling out, but i'm simply accepting myself for who i am and what i want.) but the important part of experimenting like i did is that i don't really judge any other perspectives or lifestyles (as long as they aren't harming others).

trying out polyamory made me a more open-minded person. it made me see how capitalism plays a huge role in our familial, romantic, and platonic relationships. how scarcity influences my and many others' view on life. how i can find a happy medium between dreaming of an idealistic society without rules yet also live in the reality of the late-stage capitalistic hellscape that is the united states.

i'm still carving out my place in this world and figuring out exactly what i want in relationships (romantic or platonic). but i know i must honor my body and mind in what it wants. i must live my life in authenticity and honesty. i see no other way.

[irisesinyoureyes]

It's embarassing to admit that I'm thinking of wanting to die or kill myself. Because I know that's not actually true. I know I just want out of my body, out of my pain. It makes sense. I'm not crazy to have the thoughts I do.

I don't like telling people that because it hurts them to know it, I can tell. I know I can take it because I've been dealing with this since high school. I know how to get through. It's not pretty, but I'd rather keep the darkness contained to me and not let it spread to others. I need them to believe in life and hope. I can't bring them down. If that happens, idk what I'd do.

I'm glad I'm a people pleaser in moments like these. Knowing other people would be upset if I hurt myself or died keeps me from doing those things. But what if I stopped people pleasing? Then what? Would my own desire to be free from pain be enough? I guess I hope so? Idk.

I feel bad having these thoughts, so I ignore them sometimes. I pretend they don't exist and keep going. I dissociate. But that takes a toll. I don't know what I want and just live by what others say or want of me. I'm a hollow shell of a person.

Codependency is how I cope with the overwhelm of life. It's easier to live for others when I don't have the will to do it myself. But I've fought so hard to break those shackels. I don't want to go back.

So, what am I left with? My own will to live? That's pretty weak sometimes. I don't know if that's too reliable.

But I've got to have faith in myself. I know I don't want to be in pain. I know I would probably fuck it up and be more disabled if I attempted. Unless I'm 100% sure it'd work, I'm smart enough not to do it.

I used to admit that to people. My sister. My therapist. I could tell that hurt them, so I've kept quiet since. I have a way saved on my phone. I leave it there for comfort. I need to know there's a way out. Is it 100% foolproof? No. So idk why I keep it there.

Sometimes I feel like I was born with a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I used to try so hard, like an addict, to get love, to feel whole. Approval from others. Am I good enough? Tell me I am. People were my drug. They still are. But I've learned how to abstain.

It's hard though. I desperately need to be needed. I don't care if I'm wanted so much. Of course, that's actually what I want but I don't know how to be wanted. So, I'll settle for being needed.

And I thought, through past relationships, I could be wanted and not just needed. But I was wrong. So maybe, as humans, we just want our needs met and will do anything to get that. I was just a means to an end, a necessity. I provided emotional support. And I knew that. But being needed is something, right? At least it's something.

It's embarrassing to tell people I need their help. They're on the other side of the glass. They don't understand what it's like over here (nor should they). Like, hey, I know you're busy and have a lot going on, but could you just hold me? I kinda want to die, sorry. I tell people it's bad, but how could they even know what I'm saying? They just think I'm having a bad day. And I am, but like it's a bit different.

That's the thing: I don't know what constitutes an emergency. Do you take off work when you want to die? Would that even help? I'm not so sure.

All I want sometimes is people to give up everything for me. That's so selfish. I don't even yhink I actually want that though. I just want to know there are people who care.

I remember when I broke up with my first girlfriend, I wanted so badly for my mom to stay home from work but she just kissed me, hugged me, and told me she wished she could stay home with me. And that was enough. I knew in my soul she cared. Why don't I feel things like that so certainly anymore?!? Fuck. I don't trust people. And it's because of Them. I know it. I'll always hate Them for that. It's so insanely hard to trust after someone hurts you so deeply. I don't think people who haven't been sexually assaulted understand. And I don't want them to.

I learned people can turn on you at any moment. I learned there were probably signs I didn't see. I learned blind faith in someone doesn't work. I learned letting go is exhilirating but comes at a price. I learned I can't trust myself. I learned people don't understand when I say I'm having a hard time. I learned about the glass and the people on the other side.

I know there's me before and me after. I'm fragmented. I'm broken. And it's nice to be broken with other broken people. They get it. It's normal. It's nice. But they also drag you down.

So, you have to step on the other side of the glass. It's either that or perish on this side. So you step over the line and pretend like you belong there. That you're human. But it's fake. You just hope no one finds out.

But if you're you enough, someone will. And maybe that time has come. You did it, L. You stayed you even though you didn't want to. You broke through the codependency. That's something.

So now you must grapple with the fact that if you show K all of you and they reject it. What then? I don't know what you'll do. Could you ever try again? I like to think so. I like to think you're resilient enough. But I also understand if you couldn't take it anymore. You've been through so much. More than most people. And I'd understand. I would.

So trusting K seems a little life or death. Like it's your last shot, huh? Yeah. Ok, yeah. So, no pressure, huh? Fuck I wish you still had some naivete. They would have treated you so well.

Ok, well, you don't have that, and you can't go back. So it's just here and now. Oh, the torment of life, how it marches on.

Well, I think you'll know what you'll do. There's that fire, huh? You'll gladly fall into any abyss, I know it. Take the plunge. That's what makes you feel alive.

[irisesinyoureyes]

I'm dating again after The Incident. And it's hard. I'm being wary of every minute detail and it's exhausting. I don't want to be taken advantage of. How do I not be taken advantage of?

[irisesinyoureyes]

i'm getting better at recognizing when people are crossing my boundaries. and i'm getting better at speaking up.

i recently moved in with one of my "best friends"/college roommate. it's been almost 4 months now and i realize he's not my best friend. i think he was just someone i clung onto when i was insecure and codependent in college.

i used him. he used me. i changed. he didn't. i'm trying to use different methods of coping with my emotions. he isn't. he's still using me.

i'm glad i'm in a place in my life where this realization won't fill me with primal fear. it's just a realization (one i have cried over, mind you). but i can detach from this realization enough to see that this was something i had inklings of for a while. this wasn't big news. it's just news. it means my suspicions were correct. it means i can identify people who take me for granted. it means i need to distance myself from him.

the last part is hard. i've known him for 8 years now. we've done so much self-damaging shit together. i hated myself when i met him. so i decided to love him instead. i don't think he loves himself. i don't think i can be around that anymore.

putting up boundaries around him is hard. it means something more than face-value. he's one of my last, if not my last, codependent relationship in my life. when i change our relationship (for the better), i'm saying goodbye to that version of me. that sick, twisted version of love i believed was for me. the parts of me who never felt like enough. who felt that it was easier to focus on loving a broken person instead of myself.

and i'm sad about it. i'm sad i'm leaving that old version of me behind. i think i've been kicking and screaming about it for ages actually, but i've ignored those tantrums. but i can't any longer.

i've fallen out of love with the addiction, the codependent high. it was fun (god it was fun). but i kinda like the stability of whatever non-codependency is (healthy relationships? boundaries.?). i like the give and take in relationships. i like asking if i can vent before i do. i like knowing my friends love me because of me, not because i help them out of their own despair.

i want to be loved, not used. i've wanted that all along. i just didn't know how to get there. now i do, so how can i keep letting myself be used? i can't

[drugsneko]

Oh my.. oh my..., living without you really is torture. Makes me wonder if I should peel my skin off to not feel this empty and lonely.

[vizthedatum]

Breaking out of my people-pleasing addiction because I wanted to be liked and kept around… instead of telling people my truth or even attempting to be myself….

is a journey that I'm still on.

And as I break out of it more, not knowing if I'm even doing this the right way, I know I will lose people who were in connection with my masked past selves.

I now consider (and have for a while, especially when I became aware of how often I did it) that people pleasing was a compulsory addiction that ruined my sense of what safety meant in relationships, propelled me to danger, distanced me from my identity, and a manipulation.

I consider people-pleasing manipulation, even if I wasn't aware or intending of manipulation.

If I acted a certain way to “please” or “conform” or “be palatable” to appease a person, institution, or even myself… I was manipulating instead of DARING to be authentic.

[irisesinyoureyes]

god but what if i liked being suffocated by you?

[irisesinyoureyes]

reality doesn't feel as string-bare as it did when i asked you to leave. it feels string-bare though. like i'm cracked. reality is cracked. my pieces are spilling out of this body.

(these hands, are they even mine?)

i don't wish anyone to put me back together this time. leave me oozing all over the floor.

look, look at the mess!

you have to turn and look!

[thoughtkick]

“Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.”

— Unkown

[irisesinyoureyes]

I'm a bird

that keeps

falling out of the

sky for fear

of not being

able to fly.

Once, a broken wing

now healed

but the pain

still fresh

in my mind.

How do I soar

when all those

memories weigh me down?

Come,

back to

Now.

Back to Now.

Back to Now.

So simple

yet so hard.

But practice

makes better

and that's where I am.

Better,

not perfect

because no bird can be.

[irisesinyoureyes]

my therapist tells me i'm not like the others. i've grown from my trauma. i didn't stay stagnant. (but she doesn't know how much i cry on my bathroom floor. how many times a day i think "i want to die." how much i wish to just not be.)

yes, i agree. i must be unlike the others.

[irisesinyoureyes]

a was selfish and egotistical. they only pretended to accept their flaws. but when someone else pointed one out, they found a way to defend themself without sounding defensive.

they drew a line between them and others. they (whether consciously or not) carried themself as if they knew everything and were above humanness. but no, they were human. they had flaws. they weren't perfect.

but they would never admit that. and therefore, could never connect with others on an intimate level. gods can't relate to humans.

and if you think you're a god, no amount of time in a relationship will make you feel accepted and loved if you cannot witness your own humanity

[pastel-plague-doctor]

people say “if you don’t lower your standards, you’re gonna end up spending your whole life alone!” like being a healthy, happy, financially independent single adult is actually worse than being stuck in an abusive and/or emotionally unfulfilling relationship with someone who isn’t willing/able to meet your needs. like no offense, but I think I’m gonna choose to be happy rather than throwing myself into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. 

[irisesinyoureyes]

i keep questioning myself if i was emotionally absued and sexually assaulted.

but then i remember the facts. how my ex literally inserted themself into me without a condom when it was an established fact i don't consent to that unless in extremely rare, explicitly verbalized occassions.

plus, they did this while i was in emotional shambles. we had just established that we were fluid bonded with each other, so i felt i had to let them enter me so they could feel connected to me. otherwise, i was scared they'd want to fluid bond with their new girlfriend with whom i found out they recently fell in love with (we had an open relationship, but i didn't ever want full-on polyamory). god, the whole thing is so fucked up.

and i just feel like i did this all to myself. i should have said no earlier. i should have ended things. i shouldn't have kept the open part of the relationship a secret.

but also, i recognize that's all just victim blaming. i'm victim blaming myself and that's not cool.

i know this isn't as huge as r*pe, but it still affected me. i sometimes don't feel like i can let it affect me so much because it was so small and simple. but i don't think that matters. my boundaries were violated in insidious ways. that's the pain. that's the harm. that's the trauma i must learn to shed from my skin.

[irisesinyoureyes]

i sometimes don't know if i am actually tired or just depressed or having a ptsd episode

[irisesinyoureyes]

i used to be really sick for 6 years. now i'm better but everything seems temporary. i don't feel like things will last. i don't know what to do with this extra time/health/life i stumbled upon

[irisesinyoureyes]

lol well r told me they want to be friends, so I don't have to even figure out what the heck was going on there anymore