#polyblog

[jellycandie]

Seeing S with H makes me so happy. Almost unbelievable how quickly I was able to get over the fear of jealously. I definitely get FOMO when i have to do homework or chores and S gets to cuddle up with H meanwhile. But it's not jealously, It makes me happy that H has someone to keep her company. I just wish I didn't have other responsibilities.

Question for other polyam peeps:

Is there a difference between how you and your partners show affection?

S is very touchy and lovey. Such a romantic.

I am very relaxed and dont feel the need to express my affection that often.

I talked to H about this and she said she is happy I am not as outwardly affectionate as S because then it might be too much. I agree with her.

I think for H and I, we enjoy each other's company the most and it makes the little things so much more special. Like a little kiss here and there, sometimes ill grab her hand for awhile. I think we understand eachother well that way.

S loves to be all over H any chance he can get, he was like that when we first started dating, too. It's pretty cute to see him that way again.

Second questions for polyam peeps:

Do you feel more in love with your "primary" since dating a third?

After 5 years of being and living with S, I am still falling more in love with him. Especially since H came along I find myself swooning over S constantly. It's honestly like were experiencing the crazy butterfly feeling you get from the first dates allllll over again. How fucking great, I don't know how this is strange to people. It's so pure.

[methvagina-blog]

(Guilty Feelings & Why They Don't Actually Exist) Polyamory is super

-- And, sometimes, super hard.

The hardest thing I've learned about polyamory thus far is that even when you think your emotions are irrational (for me, fits of jealousy and fear that I don't want to face or identify with because I want to be more comfortable with all of this than I am yet), it is really important not to push them aside because they are valid.

I tend to label these emotions as "guilty emotions" because, well, I feel guilty about them. "My partner and I are living this lifestyle and we have expressed understanding and encouragement for each other so I cannot feel upset or afraid." Wrong. If you're feeling insecure in a situation you should express it. You have every right to. Own your emotions and don't punish yourself.

Your partner isn't going to read your mind and know what is going on if you don't communicate it - it is your responsibility. Stewing in these thoughts and not facing them is not healthy for you, your partners, or your relationships. I feel like it's easier than I wish it was to slip into some unhealthy paterns that lead to some unhealthy states of being. Personally, I end up placing blame on my partner for - how I see it in the moment - making me feel these emotions, which just adds to the general negative feelings of suppression, not-to-mention the feelings you're suppressing themselves. I feel angry at myself for not sharing them and angry at everyone else for not knowing. In hindsight, obviously I do know my partner is not being cruel knowingly, but in that moment, with all of the insecurites built up and my entirety basically swimming in anxiety, it hurts, and continues to because of improperly confronting this. The repercussions of not being open about your "guilty feelings" forces the situation to continue to be a negative experience for you.

These feelings should be recognized and shared, and feeling them should be celebrated. Be fair to yourself - do not suppress or belittle your perspective, because that is who you are, even if it's not who you want to be.

I find myself backing-up that guilty-feeling-avoiding part of me, often by telling myself that avoiding emotions that I find hard is what I truly want, and validate it that way. I tell myself, "These feelings are not who you want to be, so don't pay them any attention." Letting yourself be miserable is not self-love, and expressing yourself is so important. Your partner shouldn't invalidate where you are coming from, and if they are, you honestly need to confront that as well.

All emotions are important. Prioritize them equally. You will learn from everything you do and build deeply-engrained habits from your actions, so be honest in every situation, and you'll actually resolve conflicts.

[tequilas-poly-truth]

Making pizza!!

[jellycandie]

#2 Telling people kinda... sucks

Quick catch up: I am M, my long-term boyfriend is S, and our hopefully new girlfriend we are dating is H.

S and I have started telling people about H even though we havent met her in person yet. I mean, we would of met up with her the day we started talking if we could but unfortunately she is in the process of moving to our city next week!

S told his very open friend who was in an open relationship previously, so he of course is supportive and happy about it.

I told a friend who I have known for maybe 4 months... It might have been premature. She asked a lot of questions and stalked through H's instragram for quite awhile until I eventually asked her for my phone back. She seemed concerned as if S and I havent talked about being poly for like ... 2 years now? And the questions she asked were ridiculous. Like "is she going to move in with you guys.. do you all sleep in the same room". Uhhh first of all, would a monogamous person ask their date after 5 days of knowing them when they're moving in together??? My friend was also skeptical about S and I not being prepared for the future or not having thought about it enough. Of course we ask eachother questions about what and where we would want to be. Doesn't mean we know. How can anyone truly set a permanent course? Our feelings now are dictating how we think we will feel later. They can change instantly. Just like the course of our polyamorous relationship can. The answer to all her questions was mainly just... "I dont know." Because I don't. And that's okay, doesn't make this relationship any less valid.

I also told 2 other friends of mines because they were both going to be at a party I am inviting H to. I figured I might as well tell them now before they figure it out at the party and act all awkward about it. One of them was approving but said I shouldn't tell anyone else, because then they would most definitely feel awkward about it at the party. Im not sure if he meant in the way that inviting a new person to the friend group would obviously make everyone a little shy, or if the polyamorous aspect of it was the cause. My second friend just laughed. Which of course offended me. Then he went on with the same shit other people who dont feel polyamorous is a legitimate mature relationship. "I only have one dick so I dont see how I could do that" " I can barely handle my girlfriend's feelings why would I want more". "Thats too much work". I got really frustrated and didn't even respond. No use trying to get him to take me seriously when obviously his disapproval has no real substance.

When I told S about what my friend had said, he replied "He's right, he can't do it. He can't handle more feeling. He probably isn't stable in his first relationship, so of course he can't imagine another one." That's the difference. S is mature and our relationship is solid. Our relationship is so healthy, we can't help but want to share ourselves to others so they can also learn and grow with us.

People are going to judge with no real reasons. What they mean to say is "This is different, so I'm going to be skeptical about it" instead of taking the time to actually think about what the difference is between dating 1 or 2 people. If I would've told my friends I was dating someone monogamously, they would've been happy for me. But for some reason dating a second person is just an entirely new thing? I don't understand them, they don't quite understand me.. yet. I'll give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Everything is new and scary at some point. Nothing ever starts normal.

Xoxo,

M

2/26/2020

[jellycandie]

#1 New adventure

It has been two years since my boyfriend (S) and I have had conversations about adding another girl into our relationship. In the primary stages we thought casual was the way to go, nothing serious.

About 6 days ago now we met a girl (H) on a dating app and we have been talking to her since. This time is different though. We both want her to join us as a polyamorous couple. She is the sweetest thing, gentle and caring. Her ex boyfriend is a douche bag and I'm so happy she's out of that relationship. She's never been with a couple, or even with a girl. That did scare me because if she was just bi-curious and decided later on that she could never have romantic feelings for a women I would be devastated. I have never asked, but she has assured me that she is capable of same sex feelings and is also "sure that she likes me". That made my heart flutter just a little bit.

We haven't met her in person yet, but we video called her and my god she is GORGEOUS. The entire time we were talking It was almost too hard to concentrate on what she was saying. I just wanted to stare at her like a creep lol.

Jealously? Oh yeah, it comes in waves and it leaves just as quick as it came. That's natural I think. We have never done this before and I have hever had the opportunity to feel these new emotions. So therefore, I dont exactly know how to deal with them.

Example: S calls H while I was at work, he never told me he was going to do it and I had never talked to her on the phone yet. I am furious and just about ready to break everything off. After all, this is all supposed to be on my move and my time. S didn't think it would be a big deal since we have talked about how we both want to develop relationships with her separately as well as together. He's right. What I was feeling was straight up FOMO. I didn't want him to get ahead in knowing her because then I feel like she wouldn't be as interested in me. I came home from work and of course he apologized and said he would never do it again and he would drop everything for me in a heartbeat if I told him too. I knew I wanted this too much to let jealously win a round. After I had calmed down, I realized how normal it was for them to have a conversation on the phone alone and how I would have also wanted that. S would never intentionally hurt me, he doesn't know what I think is and isn't okay because I haven't even had the opportunity to find out. This is so new for the both of us, we will definitely run into more situations like this and that is perfectly okay. That is how we learn to be better. I have so much trust in this relationship and that is the most important thing. Letting myself become insecure will destroy my chances at further happiness.

After talking things through, I wasn't even jealous anymore. The feeling left so quickly. Now thinking about her making him happy, makes me happy. She is moving to my city in just a week, and we already have a date planned out. I am just counting down the days. We dont want things to move to quickly but we all have this connection that feels like we have known each other for months. The first time I spoke to S I had already fallen in love. Almost 5 years later I am still with him, and as in love as ever. So for us, feeling a connection this quick is a good sign. We want things to come naturally, and if moving a little faster is coming naturally, why should we stop it?

I'll be back :) I dont know who I am writing to, maybe my future self. It feels good to get it out.

Xoxo,

M

2/24/2020

[tequilas-poly-truth]

Well, great news. I got the leftover money from my student loans and such so I will be able to pay my bills until I get my first check from my new job. The smart thing to do would be to take that money and feed it directly back to paying off those loans. Honestly, I need the money too much to make it through the end of this year and into the beginning of next year to be able to do that with most of it. K suggested putting it towards paying off the loans too but he understands that I will need to use some of it. J is just so happy that we will have some cushion for bills now that he didn't even have the chance to think about putting it on the loan bill. Luckily I have a while before I have to worry about paying them back. And by " a while" I mean the end of 2020!

[tequilas-poly-truth]

Soon I will be hitting a serious problem! K is going to be moving in with me, J, and our roommate. I don't know what to do about the rooming situation o.o while at the moment I share a room and bed with J, I don't think K will feel as accepted if I never sleep on the same bed as him. I don't think pushing two beds together will work, which seems to be the most common solution. I think it's time for the three of us to talk out a situation that doesn't include me sleeping in a different room each night...

[tequilas-poly-truth]

Ask me questions!! I want a reason to blabber on about my boys!! lol