#poor aliens

[lejoursobre]

“... Now make a wish, that’s an order Mister Spock..... please :,( ”

[uncaffinatedash]

I wonder how many humans would go like "yeah it be like that" whenever an alien questions something about humanity.

"So... you people can regenerate broken body parts but can't regenerate limbs or your mouth bones?"

"Yeah it be like that."

"Human Todd, did you just say you people watch others fight each other and get hurt for entertainment?"

"....yeah It be like that"

"Human Mei, why are those humans jumping off cliffs!? Are they insane?!"

"yeah... it be like that"

[skskskbois]

Imagine aliens coming down and seeing teenage girls crying over a dead bee, what the hell would they think?

"This....This bee, was it your friend?"

"No, I just found her."

"Why are you crying? I was taught that humans usually cry over loved ones dying, or creatures they have a deep emotional connection to. But this creature, you've never even met her?"

"Yeah, but she still died. And she's a little baby bee that didn't do harm to anyone."

"I-I don't understand."

And what about when they found out humans can have emotional connections to inanimate objects??

"This is a rock, something that doesn't even breathe or move, you can't play with it like you can dolls, why do you continue to carry it around and pamper it?"

"Because he's just a small boy, he's so cute and precious! Look at his little face!"

"It-it has no face?!"

[tetrabytesol]

Data entry #267C

Useless Information

Humans will store seemingly useless information about anything and everything, but do not be fooled. They can use this unrelated knowledge to solve problems even if the situations are completely different. We do not know how they do this but if a human decides to share a 'fun fact' with you remember it. It just might save your life.

Gunx'or head of the humanology department

[kirkinfleffer]

Pokémon Go saved my life in my dream last night

It was so weird. It was kinda a mix of zombie apocalypse and alien invasion in which the aliens unleashed the virus that created zombies to thin out our population to make conquering the planet easier.

Only thing is these were only exchange of fluids to pass along the sickness zombies so no one exactly rose from the dead if they just happened to die and humans, the aliens found, were a bit more resourceful than anticipated. Sure a lot of the cities and packed communities were desemated across the globe and a bunch of people died but that still left a hell of a lot of people to take care of. And with the weather the way it was the zombies that were left simply rotted themselves out.

So to take care of the rest of us the aliens turned back on our communications systems in a devious plot to pinpoint the users exact location when trying to contact their loved ones and other survivors in a series of drone strikes. Except for whatever reason Pokémon Go wasn’t on their radar at all.

So cue me, a miraculous survivor who’s phone suddenly starts working again and the first fucking thing I do is log on to Pokémon Go instead of try and call my family. Whom at this point let’s be real were probably already dead so fuck it. Since zombies weren’t really a problem anymore I just wonder off alone for a bit to go to a nearby pokestop. Meanwhile everybody else in my group is coming to the horrifying conclusion that the aliens are tracking our phones and dispose of them. Eventually they spot me on my phone a little ways away, a drone flying above us, and they’re like “oh shit she’s fucking dead” except it just mosies on past.

Obviously they just think it’s a fluke, or a glitch to their system. They don’t trust my phone being on and make me hang back. Essentially I’m just sitting around taking down gyms and catching them all to my heart’s content as they wait for a drone to track me. Except it doesn’t happen.

Eventually I’m let back into the group and they’re like “maybe it’s her phone make?” Because all these losers had Samsung and I’m the only one that had an I-phone. Point is they let me keep it since it obviously didn’t pose a threat and I suddenly become very useful since technically Pokémon Go has a map of the roads and pokestops are landmarks of civilization which means possible shelter and other survivors.

At this point almost everybody had been wiped out due to the phone drones and we haven’t seen another group of people in months. My group is disheartened and then there’s me still taking down gyms and leveling up like crazy to try and cope when suddenly one of my Pokémon gets knocked out of a gym. At first I’m fucking pissed until I realize “holy shit that’s a person!”

So my group goes ape shit and we’re determined to track down these fuckers. We’re on the hunt for this ‘Todmandod42’ and I’m encouraged to keep playing and writing down the locations of every gym I conquered and what Pokémon was where so we can plot a course to find them based on when I got knocked out of the gyms.

It takes a long time and a lot of back and forth, between myself and ‘Todmandod42’ but eventually we find each other and the dude is like “I’ve never been more happy in my life to meet you in person Kirkinfleffer” in a kind of loving way and it’s ridiculous becuase I reply in an equally loving manner “I feel the same way Todmandod42”. We are forever our handles to one another, there’s a solidarity to them now. Even the third person we found “pussydestroyer69” gives us hope whenever he takes down our Gyms.

And from there we get everybody new phones so they can download the app while someone sacrifices another phone to distract the drones. Each group is mostly one team (groups will have an equal number of red, blue, and yellow so we can share gyms and be updated at the same time when we’ve been knocked out) and we’ve all written down each others handles so we can track down new people and keep tabs on each other’s movements. Eventually enough humans are brought together to somehow combat the alien menace who’s third attempt at human aniliation are robots I guess. To which I’m pretty sure we defeated by running windows 95 and Doom on them along with spamming them with memes at which point the Aliens fucked off becuase our planet wasn’t worth the agrivation.

So yeah I helped save the human race all becuase I never gave up on Pokémon Go and meme culture.

Everybody is equally exasperated by it as they are pleased becuase now a fucking video game and a bunch of memes will go down in history for this shit. “Pussydestroyer69” is gonna be listed as a top General in the fight against the alien menace with a statue and everything for our grandkids to write reports on one day and they can’t do anything to change that.

It was glorious.

[tumbleweedhatsfit]

Humans are weird: Cannibalism

I don't mean actual human eats human kind of thing, but we (especially on tumblr for some strange reason) casually mention it as a possible way to get rid of 'toxic' or generally unwanted people. For instance: if so and so pisses on your good mood you eat. Them. Really it's not like anyone is ACTUALLY going to eat someone, it's just a way to encourage self-esteem. But, man would aliens be afraid of casual remarks on cannibalism or what? I just, I have all these dumb ideas on how weird, unique, and absolutely terrifying humans can be, even with a casual remark.

[blue-ultramarine]

What if there are aliens that have been receiving our messages in outer space and have been using their resources to try to get a way to communicate back and/or come here,, but they are a good peaceful species that haven't spent centuries developing weapons and fighting each other. Cue them coming and getting killed because humans think they asteroid/invading/are just big meanies

[sakaja90]

Dan and Phil play BUCKET OF DOOM!