This based on an idea that I had started to write inspired by convo with @fulcrum-021 but then I got the saddies and didn't write anything for 2 months. Hoping to go back to it someday but for now here is a snippet.
TW: drug use and addiction, implied sexual abuse
Kallus hates that he got to this point. He should have said no, should have told the truth but he couldn't. Zeb was so proud of him. He was being chosen for his first undercover, solo mission.
The empire had been working with spice dealers to push drugs on Couriscant. The Empire would get paid off, and get some names of those who bought, so they could arrest them, look tough on crime, while the Spice pushers got to keep peddling the stuff and get away with it. Everyone wins except for the vulnerable folks, often in poverty, on the lower levels of Couriscant who were being used as pawns.
They wanted him to infiltrate one of these large Spice gangs, and get evidence. This would help destroy more people's trust in the Empire when they share it. Zeb had recommended him for his intelligence and how well he knew these parts of Couriscant, having grown up there.
But he should of known better, he should have told them...told Zeb the truth. He was an addict. He had been clean for nearly 20 years, since he joined the academy and forced himself to go cold turkey. But it didn't mean that the addict wasn't still in him.
It had started back when he was just some dumb teenager, growing up poor, and losing his mother, his only parent, to the poverty that consumed their lives. He began to dance at seedy bars, and often that led to men offering him money for more. And he took it, he needed it. It eventually led to customers offering him things to "take the edge off." Life was hard and that sounded good.
But he became obsessed with the high, obsessed with the escapism it offered. He would do anything to get it. Life was hard...this felt easy. But sometimes, things got out of hand, people would take advantage of him when he wasn't sober. And his come downs were hard, he would feel even more empty, more depressed then he did before, until he could get his next fix.
So after a few years, in early 20s, he decided to join the Empire, escape poverty and force himself away from this thing thay was controlling him. It was hard, but it worked.
He should of told Zeb this, should have told him thay this wasn't the right mission for him. Too many triggers...but the smile of pride Zeb had on his face when he told Kallus that he was chosen was too much for the blonde. He didn't want to let him down.
But now, despite doing so well for 3 mobths, he is being transported to the detention center, strung out and crashing down from his high. He did let Zeb down. Ashla only knows what will happen to him when his real identity is found out, probably be made an example of, his face plastered everywhere to show the galaxy the degeneracy of "rebel scum." If hes lucky, maybe they kill him, if not..." He shudders at the thought, not wanting to picture that.
He felt cold as the high was fading, everything felt hopeless. He silently prayed that maybe he could just close his eyes and slip away, and all of this will be over. Then he won't have to see the disappointment in his Zeb's eyes, won't have to face his lover and tell him he failed.
He knows he should focus on escaping, but his body feels heavy, this was more than the upper he was offered, it was mixed. He knows it. He should have said no, but the addict took over. He should have known he could never escape his past...
