Traumatic nonhumanity & fictionity; causation, revelation and reclaimation.
[Pt: TRaumatic nonhumanity and fictionity; causation, revalation and reclaimation. End PT.]
Cw for talks of trauma: abuse (physical & emotional), being followed,
Recently I've been pondering on how my nonhumanity is greatly influenced by my trauma. While the majority of my nonhumanity aren't caused by it, most aspects are affected or where revealed because of it. While I am nonhuman and "fauxly" human in many ways, in this ramble-post/wannabe-essay I'll delve into how my trauma is related to my werewolfhood, my kirahood (Light Yagami) and my autumnhood.
Causation; To be Kira
[Pt: Causation; To be Kira, end PT.]
While I may not have watched Death Note during my abuse, nor even known what it was, I am extremely sure that my deepfelt relation to Light Yagami is caused by it. The emotional, manipulatory nature of my abuse consisted largely of being told I was inherently immoral and weak. I could see the mistreatment to those around me, I could and can see the large issues of the world- yet dare not do anything. I believe and feel I should be good, most people tell me I am a kind, good person, yet the told evil I have done plagues my mind. The wrong of simply existing. This is what i feel in Light Yagami. Doing wrong in the desperate grasp to do right. I feel the veil, a veil of trying to justify my existence and harmful nature by making up for it. But even when I try to do right, to not be confrontational, to apologize for my mere existence, to hide away,- I am still wrong, still evil. To not act is wrong, and to act is wrong.
At the end of the day, I feel like I will fail- at least to an extent. I am inhuman in the eyes of others, not because of my species- and species traits, but because of my past and mind. While being viewed as inhuman is honestly a nice thing to me. It is me being recognized. I wish to be divine, a god of the new world, but I am subhuman.
Revelation; To be a werewolf
[Pt: Revelation; To be a werewolf, end PT.]
My werewolfhood is most definitely the identity I discuss the most on this blog, and with friends. I'd say it's because there *is* a lot to say. Not only is it an identity inherent to me, it has the unique experience of being revealed and supported by my abuse. My abuser agreed and supported my pshifting belief, and we tried shifting together- waiting for the time we could take our wolf forms. As I've discussed prior, in hindsight the support may have been misleading on purpose. Or misleading on non-purpose. She did use various abuse tactics that I cannot be sure where calculated, at the end of the day we where two kids.
I am hunted, followed by people both known and unknown. A creature not considered to belong. My nonhumanity is a way I should fight back, I should bite, I should claw, I should growl. Yet I don't. I've been held down, choked, pushed to the ground, had my limbs bent backwards and had things thrown at me. But I was told my werewolf body was weak, and going against other's wishes is evil; so I didn't. I could've shifted.
Reclaimation; To be the season of autumn
[Pt: Reclaimation; To be the season of autumn, end PT.]
Autumnhood to me is change. It is transformation, the contrast between vibrancy and dark muted colours. It is rain, it is wind, it is cold sunlight. I am the leaves that grow bright and warm before falling and crumbling on the ground. Now considered mere sound-makers to be walked over. But I wish to show this vibrancy through the art I create, to my style. I'm different and trans in all ways I can imagine. I am the change from life to death, from a perceived good to a perceived bad, I am nonhumanity. An object and concept.
I am reclaiming the season I was born, the season I embody. Rather than it being gloomy, dark and cold. A waiting period for a greater season- for winter. I am the in between. I transform, just like my werewolfhood. The month I was born is just as I was treated during my abuse. Repressed, just a passerby wishing to be missused.
