#postal x reader

[migeymon]

yay i no longer have bronchopneumonia haven't post these things here

[prey-angel]

Hanging out with Dude in silence, just kinda quietly existing together. Champ sits between you two, enjoying the attention as you gently scratch behind his ears and Dude idly pets his back. Some shitty horror movie plays on the small TV a few feet away from you and the only other noises are Champ's soft panting and the whir of the floor fan beside the couch.

Neither of you says anything. You don't need to. You're okay sitting in silence, because sometimes words are too hard. His hand drifts from Champ's back to your leg and Champ huffs in disappointment at the lack of attention. Your gaze drifts from the TV to his hand and then to his face.

He's staring at the screen, but you know there's something else going on inside of your head. You scoot a little closer, letting Champ rest his head on your thigh next to Dude's hand. You lean your head on his shoulder, ignoring his faint unwashed smell. You'd hound him about showering later.

For now, you were content to sit quietly together.

[sumthinganarchy]

ranking the postal games by how bad they'd be with yandere dudes

postal 1: mostly went down this one with the other post i think, but bad. probably the nicest (?) to the reader, but considering that dude has a house in this game your not getting away from him, shit would be boarded up from the outside if that's what he needed to keep you in. your never leaving his line of sight, and if you do he actually panics. 6/10 bad but it could get worse.

postal 2: nope. will actually murder his wife so he can keep you cooped up in his trailer. will actively insert himself into your life be for kidnaping you. will brandish his "arsenal" at you but will never actually do anything. just chills in your house sometimes until you get home. is a bit mean but will never hurt you too bad, at most some cuts from him doing something dumb with one of his weapons, or small buries from him having you tied up and setting you down to hard somewhere. 8/10 "the worse", one of the more dangerous ones

postal 3: probably the most tame, not saying much tho. a bit like p2 dude, but he is actively trying to "be better" (I.E pretending to be a good person). trys to talk himself up to you, for pity; me and my dog were the only survivors from paradise :(, or to make him seem like a hero; did you hear about that bridge accident? Yeah, don't know what lunatic did that but i did save as many people as i could (0). immediacy skips town after kidnaping you with the help of you money, you probably wanted to move anyways so why not use your money for gas and then get out of there. 5/10 most of the time he's doing odd jobs, if you can realize his existence before he realizes your, you have a chance to get away

paradise lost: horrific. there's not one yandere here, but two. don't think a normal reader really works with this one (till like Friday since that's when p3 dude dose come out of p2 dude's head), so reader has been self aware isekai here as this lets us do fuckery and go "you can hear p3 too" can hear p2 unless he's next to you tho. these two with actually drive you insane, hell even if they weren't yanderes these two would drive you insane. p3 is always give you praise and giving p2 shit. will actively give you hints too, dose like to fuck with you tho like telling you things to late. dude doesn't like it but sometimes to get more errands done faster you two split up, and sometimes you'll hear one-sided conversations of p2 and p3 talking "well if you did it more like THIS they might actually like you" ... "y/n you like me right" "sure ig,, kinda in the middle of something though" "they said they liked me~". they bicer about you like middle schoolers. once p3 gets out of p2 dude's head, he picks you up and heads strait for the hell hole to try to get champ too. both dudes argue at the end about who you belong too, you just sit in the middle of them with champ too tiered to arguer with them. 10/10 pathetic little meow meows

postal 4: pretty tame compered to paradise lost. dude in this game doesn't have his trailer, plus+ edensin is so big that he may never come across you. DO NOT even acknowledge his existence, he will drag you along to complete his tasks for the day no matter how gross. he's like a stray dog, if you feed him he will never leave you. sleeps outside your house most days with champ, will also dig through your garbage. at some point will just invite himself in to your house. goes through your shit once he's in there. doesn't know if he wants to get his trailer back or not anymore, dose he want to move you in? or move in with you? decisions... 5/10 not terrible if you have a soft spot for that gross old man

movie: just being a normal person makes you a target for his yandere-ness. defiantly one of the more nicer of the dudes. mostly normal relationship,, mostly... lets just ignore the fact that at the end of the movie the us gets fucking nuked so we dead. one of the only normal person in town, your nice, nice to him,, you don't screw he wife that's a plus. he doesn't think much of you at first, probably because some asshole was screaming about something in the background for dude to even notice, don't let he catch you the second time tho. you may actually want to make yourself know to him, as anyone dude goes up against is killed and being on his side will hopefully not have you in the crossfire, plus your going to want to be in that car when he decides to detonate that bomb, lest you get hit on the back of the head with a gib of his (now ex) wife. dude's goal goes from getting enough money to get him and champ out of this god forsaken town, into taking you with him. your to nice, sweet, for this fucking town, and he WILL get you out no mater what he has to do.

brain damage: FUCK. like paradise lost, BUT WORSE. there two of these fucks running around again, no breaks. bd dude is constantly dragging you around behind him (don't look), and other dude is constantly pushing him in the direction deeper into all this. imagen you go to bed one night, and you wake up in someone else's dream for no reason you can think of (bonus: your not even from paradise). dude first finds you near the end of the first level in some dinky house that look nothing like yours, nearly shoots your head off, he decides he's going to keep you, and drags you by the back of your shirt behind him. your just waiting to wake up from this dream. dude doesn't allow you guns, you can have mealie weapons if things get dicey, but he likes the idea of being your savor (but he's also a lazy fuck so you do have the weapons most of the time). DON'T GET SEPARATED. that's when other dude likes to come out. he pretends to be dude, makes you follow him deeper and deeper in to this labyrinth. sometimes he stays with you, talks, watches up close. sometimes he leads you right into a ambush and dips, leaving you fighting hordes "alone" with no weapons (your not alone he's watching, toying, always :) ). you wake up, forget the hole dream except for hazy memories of a ginger man and feelings of discomfort with your bed, but every night you end up remembering the dreams as you enter it again.

(my melatonin's kickin in hard)

[tr1ck-sh0p]

Morning surprise...

Waking dude up with a 'surprise'.... 18+

XXXxXXXxXXXxXXXxXXX

Dude was laying there, mostly asleep mumbling about nothing as you slipped the blankets off of him. It was the weekend so there wasn't anywhere to be, you straddled him slowly as not to wake him up putting one leg on either side of him. You gently kissed his face, trailing down his neck, then you pulled up his shirt to reveal his chest and stomach. You licked and nipped down his torso slowly, while palming him through his boxers. At this point Dude was more vocal, in this vulnerable state he wasn't worried about making noise. He was always so reluctant to make those softer sounds even after time and time again you say you love it. His breathing was heavier and he knocked his head over to the side. "Mmmmnnhah..."

He was half hard underneath your hand, just waiting for you. You slid the boxers lower, he shifted just enough for you to take his cock out. He hissed an inward breath as you grabbed held of it, gently and loosely stroking, at this point he was even more vocal, whiny even. You leaned down lower getting to a closer level with his cock, licking  base to tip. You kissed up and down slowly teasing him, he groaned stirring in his mind. 

"Oh- fuck- (y/n)"

Even in his sleep he thought about you, this gave you some more raw and passionate motivation. You wrapped your lips around  the tip starting with a soft suction and you licked the slit. This caused him to nearly wake up, ripping a pornographic moan from him. This slow and steady pace was different from the usual rougher and fast pace he liked. You like how the pleasure was more intense this way, the first thing he'd feel is your mouth around his cock. It would be nearly agonizing going this pace for him, no doubt he'd try and pull your head down lower when he wakes but right now, you set the tone. It was mesmerizing looking at how fast his chest rose and fell with each sound, his somber face free from those tacky sunglasses. You always thought he had such nice lashes, they were long and a dark brown/red fluttering before screwing shut creating small crows feet lines on the edge of his eyes. Inch by inch you soaked his cock with spit humming, creating an even more powerful sensation. 

"Oh baby- fuck- what- what are you doing? Shitttt!"

You paid him no mind at first, trying your very best to take him all the way, nose brushing against 'trimmed' curly red pubes. He let out a moan so raw it came out pitchy and so pitiful. He involuntarily shot up, leaning forward his mouth was open and he he huffed heavier and heavier, looking down at you. You pulled yourself away, lines of drool stretching between your splitting lips and his now achingly hard dick.

"Morning.."

"Hah...hah... I- oh fuck! I'm-"

For once in his smart ass life he didn't have much of anything to say. Rather than take it there, you decided a sweeter route to take things. You placed your hands on his chest softly pushing for him to lay back down.

"Lemme take care of things, just lay back down baby."

He fell back down, his head lulling back as you enveloped him again. His precum slid down your throat, tasting better than it used to when you first started going out. Instead of eating buckets of deep fried chicken and junk food without even a sip of water, he opted for whatever you were cooking for yourself. 

He was growing closer and closer but your pace remained slow and steady, making sure he'd remember this for the rest of the day. His hand flew to the back of your head and you braced for him to pull your hair or push you down but his hand just held onto your hair, and his pointer finger scooped underneath the hair that fell over your face and pulled it. He had a clear view of your face and his cock twitch when he saw it, he wasn't one to say sappy stuff and mean it. He'd say "dearie" and cheesy pet names as a form of annoying you, or compliment your outfit usually when you were half naked, but he spoke so genuinely and eagerly "you look so fuckin' good honey, so- good-."

You peeked through your lashes at him, his eyes were glazed and his other hand was velcroed  into his own hair. Dude was right on the edge, he got louder and shakier. You were getting a crick in your neck but persisted until finally he came. The loudest whimper-y moan came from him as you opted to swallowing his load, not eating to wash the sheets or making a mess of your face. He liked it better this way anyway, it got him off even more to see you try to not miss a single drop, seeing your throat bob up and down knowing his cum was filling you. You lifted off of his cock, gasping for air  but dude insisted you come closer.

"Let me kiss you-"

"I just swal-"

"I don't care c'mere baby"

Dude held the side of your face and the back of your head, and he kissed deep. You took it that he liked your little surprised to him. You pulled away still needing air, you laughed fell back next to him. The way he was looking at you made you laugh more, you've never seen such a goofy smile on his face with half lidded green eyes.

"What?"

"You liked my little surprised for you?"

"Jesus (y/n) im a lucky man."

"Glad you know that."

Hearing Dudes voice, champ comes running through the door eager to say good morning.

"Champ you perv, were you spying on us? You freak."

He barks and makes the jump, licking your face and then going over to Dude. What a good morning.

[party-dude]

P2 Dude watersports fic.

A little note: I've been trying to write for Dude more for the past eternity but I'm unfortunately losing steam for it. sorry for edging y'all at the end of this, I literally cannot force myself to touch this anymore rn. This also isn't edited, some mistakes might be lingering.

Dude groans low with pleasure as he releases his stream across your chest.

The yellow-ish fluid streams down the curves molded onto your person- soaking fabric and flesh. You can't help but gasp at the sudden warmth that floods your body, but you don't move.

You don't even try to argue about your current position. Most people he tries this with gag, call him disgusting, puke, or whatever else dramatic display they decide. But you take it like a champ, like this was an everyday thing for you.

He laughs, almost impressed. The sound is something that's horribly humiliating for you and yet lustful.

"Jesus. You're actually into this? You're more pathetic than I thought." he torments, insulting you like you're a piece of pathetic trash. You nod, eagerly agreeing that you do in fact enjoy the way his piss splashes and soaks your body. You're going to reek of urine for the rest of the day, but it's a small price to pay to see him so emboldened.

He lifts his dick, angling the stream higher. It moves, landing on your face, surprising you. You gasp, lifting your head higher out of instinct- trying to keep air like he was drowning you. How does he keep going?

"Ah-ah." He scolds, clicking his tongue.

Dude lifts his boot and brings it down onto your lap, right on top of the pelvis. He holds you down, pinning you against the alley wall. You gasp again, this time at the sudden sharp sting it brought and Dude takes advantage.

His piss hits your tongue. It's salty. Bitter enough to make you wanna gag. Enough slips back down your throat to make you gag and it only eggs him on more.

"Taste it." He orders, brows furrowing with frustration. You were making him angry. He wanted a show.

You gulp, imagining your neck bobbing like a cartoon. Your tongue shoots out and captures a small amount of the stream. Forcing it down, you grimace at the taste. But you persist and poke your tongue back out to funnel down some more. You had to impress him.

Dude laughs, chest shaking with his deep chuckles that make something in you regrettably throb.

"Fuck, I haven't had a good little freak like you in years." He praises. "Come here."

His stream ends and you almost fucking whine at the lost. Were you always this pathetically depraved for local homicidal crackheads?

Dude's boot lifts, releasing your rock-and-hard place situation. Then, he reaches out, digging his dirty nails into your top. Dude yanks you into a kiss and you think you could cry from joy. The tip of his tongue shoots out between breaths, begging for entry. You allow.

His tongue laps and grinds against yours, exploring as much as he can.

Quickly, you realize he's eagerly trying to taste his own liquid and you moan with a gross excitement, letting him lap at the lingering taste. Dude smashes his face with yours. It's like he's trying to engulf you into his person, keeping you close.

When he decides he's through with his sampling, he parts with heavy breath. A string of saliva mixed with piss follows, connecting the two of you until he pulls back far enough that it snaps and sticks to his goatee.

His shades have shifted from the rough smooching and now his green eyes and blown pupils are on display and when they meet yours, you freeze like prey. You don't move, you don't blink. There's a moment where you are just staring at each other in silence and you start to get the nervous feeling that he's thinking.

Maybe he's trying to decide if you deserve to walk away from this? Or maybe he'll take out the pistol you saw tucked away earlier and end it for you right here and now. Your brains would paint the red brick and leave a lovely surprise for the poor bastard who'd find you later.

Thankfully for you, Dude blinks. He reaches up and shifts his shades back properly.

You think that he's going to leave- tuck his dick away and go on with his list of bullshit and you let your tense shoulders drop, a breath you didn't realize you were holding softly slips from your nostrils.

Then, Dude breaks the moment.

"Pull them down." He demands, motioning towards your pants. You jolt. Maybe he wasn't done with this just yet.

[zackard-the-pirate-and-demoman]

Ok guys, gimme requests pls ;_;

Anything is good, it just needs to be either Postal (any postal games + movie), Hatred, TF2, South Park or either Metalocalypse

NO NSFW, I'M TOO SHY FOR TS

[mrm0chi1]

More postal dude snapchat bit emoji

Cause they are cute and why not

[blackenedsnow]

hello! i wanted to ask if you could write some p2with a baker's s/o headcannons, please?(´。.̫ 。｀)

p2 dude with a baker s/o ; headcanons

WARNING: None

PAIRING: Postal (2) Dude x Reader

NOTE: Thank you for sending this request! It was really fun imagining this. I hope you enjoyed the headcanons as much as I did writing them.

You’re used to finding Dude sneaking into the kitchen at weird hours, rummaging through the baked goods like it’s his personal buffet.

He tries to be stealthy, but you always catch him red-handed, a half-eaten pastry already in his mouth.

His defense?

"It’s not like you’re gonna miss one... or five."

He tries to compliment your baking—though it’s usually in his own, gruff way.

"Damn, this is the only thing in this town that doesn’t taste like shit." Sometimes, Dude will offer to help in the kitchen (if he's in a good mood), usually after a particularly big mess he’s caused.

But instead of kneading dough or frosting cakes, he ends up causing more shit—flour everywhere, bowls knocked over, maybe even an accidental fire or two.

"Well, I sure as hell didn’t sign up for this,"

he mutters, but sticks around to clean up. If you run a bakery in Paradise, you can bet Dude’s always around, making sure no one messes with your shop.

He’s not afraid to get in someone’s face if they try to lowball you or make rude comments.

You usually have to stop him before he gets too carried away, but his heart’s in the right place.

Dude takes his role as your unofficial taste tester very seriously.

Dude will sometimes surprise you with small gestures.

He’ll drop by the store with an empty stomach just so he can sit with you and try your latest recipe.

He really enjoys those moments, sitting in the quiet while you chat over a plate of fresh-baked goods.

He’s damn impressed by how you manage to run your bakery in such a fucked up town.

He’s even more impressed that you’ve managed to stay sane while dealing with him.

If you’re an early riser, busy prepping for the day’s baking, Dude is the complete opposite.

He’ll drag himself into the kitchen, groggy and grumpy, but as soon as he smells something fresh out of the oven, his mood lifts a little.

He’ll grab a cup of coffee and sneak a warm pastry off the counter.

"Don’t mind if I do."

Every now and then, Dude will show up with random ingredients he’s "borrowed" (likely taken from someone who won’t be needing them anymore).

He’ll drop them on the counter like he’s done you some grand favor.

"Got you some supplies. Don’t ask where they came from."

You never ask, but appreciate the gesture.

You could hand Dude the most elaborate cake or a simple loaf of bread, and he’d eat it without question.