12/11/2020 - 11.39pm
I think what bothers me the most about having someone tell me I'm mean is that I know the level of cruelty I'm capable of. I know full well how mean I can be and I can acknowledge it in and after the moment, so I'm self aware. So when I dont register what I'm doing/saying as mean, it pisses me off because like... this is what you call mean? If I was being mean, you'd damn well know it because I would hurt you and you'd remember it.
I always think back to that argument I had with PV back in high school. I don't even know what we were arguing about, but I remember her saying something about you're not me, you don't understand or something to the same effect, and without hesitation I said I'm glad I'm not you because if I was, I would have killed myself by now. Those exact words. I wanted to hurt her, to win the argument at whatever cost and I did. At the cost of her self worth, I fucking won the argument and it was all I cared about. A couple years or so after that argument, there was another one. We hadn't been talking for a while, then something happened on tumblr and she brought it up. Years later, what I'd said had stuck with her and in her mind, she could vividly remember me telling her I should kill herself. I don't think I've ever truly felt guilty for what I said, but I'm aware it was wrong. There's a cruel part of me that still believes she had it coming to her.
I used to make fun of a girl in school for being poor, even cut it into a tree so she'd never forget. I had vivid fantasies that I wrote in my journal about raping PV just to shut her the fuck up and show her I was in control, all because I saw her once at the cinema while I was working and got it in my head that I wanted to sleep with her. I used to literally claw a boy in one of my classes just because I wanted to show I was stronger than him.
All of that and you think my offhanded comment was mean? Believe me when I say, you have no fucking idea the level of cruelty I'm capable of so fuck off with your accusations that I'm mean.