3/4/2021 - 4.35pm
I think I need to have a real talk with K about A. She's said before that she doesn't want to know about it if I'm friends with A again, and after how weird and uncomfortable things got when I told her early on for the sake of full disclosure, I've respected that. I don't mention A. But somehow, K keeps bringing her up and it's obvious there's an issue there but I don't know how to deal with it without K going defence mode and pretending it isn't an issue just to avoid the conversation.
It just seems like she keeps bringing things up & making comments after being the one to say she doesn't want to talk about A. Like today; we were talking on the phone and she asked if I'm talking to A still, I bring up the fact she's said she doesn't want to talk about it and after saying that makes her feel inclined to believe I am, it's okay etc and devolved into a big thing about how I abandoned her and that's okay because she wasn't giving me what I needed and all is good etc etc. She had no interest I'm listening, and I think this problem stems from the fact she's decided how things are from her perspective (which I respect, bc A did act like a mega cunt and hurt K big time - but what K needs to realise is they were friends for such a small period of time, but me and A were friends for years. Her few months or so is nothing compared to what I dealt with, but that's a whole other thing) and she's dismissing my experience in a way, almost as though she's being the bigger person after being hurt. But what it comes down to is that me & A were toxic and I was terrified of losing her. I lost multiple friendships bc of A; one's I'd had for longer than the one with K, so why am I still being guilted about this?
Another thing is how we didn't meet when we were both in New York. K has made multiple comments about this and how I said I didn't want to meet her, but you know what I said? I said it wouldn't be a good idea. Why? Because I was in another country, my first solo overseas trip and I had noone other than A. What would have happened if I said to A I was going to go spend time with someone she hated? What would have happened to me if she got angry and left me? I'd have fucking nothing and noone, literally nowhere to go because the only reason I was able to be there was because A paid to get me there. K could say I'd have a place with her, but that's unrealistic. We'd hardly been talking at that point bc K pulled away from me to pull away from A, so I couldn't exactly rock up at her place and be like, cool guess I'm staying with you for a few weeks!
I just think it's not fair that it seems to be constantly all placed on my shoulders when I laid it all on the table back when me & A stopped talking, but somehow it's just not enough.
I'm exhausted. I need to have that conversation but I'm fucking exhausted.