“Mattering” and Our Perpetual Search for Worth
I am a fan of John Green’s books. One common theme among his novels is the human race’s unending search for self-worth. Our thirst for relevance. Our unquenchable desire to “matter”. An Abundance of Katherines, for instance, is very--er, abundant with quotes about “mattering”.
“What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?”
“How do you just stop being terrified of getting left behind and ending up by yourself forever and not meaning anything to the world?”
“You matter as much as the things that matter to you. And I got so backwards trying to matter to him. All this time, there were real things to care about: real, good people who care about me, and this place. It's so easy to get stuck. You just get caught in being something, being special or cool or whatever, to the point where you don't even know why you need it; you just think you do.”
The reason why John Green’s stories struck me so badly is because of this: I had always been insecure with my worth as a person. This “mattering” thing had always been a struggle for me-- only that it came in different forms during different phases of my life.
When I was in high school, I wanted to matter to a boy. Yes, a boy. Well, there was this guy in my class. He was smart, and he was cute. But he paid no attention to me. So to put it simply, my entire high school life was practically an attempt at being worthy for this guy… to no avail.
When I ventured into college, I just wanted to matter, period. It sounds like a relevantly simpler goal, but it was far from easy, I tell you. In grade school and high school, academic excellence was quite achievable. College, however, is another story. All of a sudden, everyone else seemed to be smarter, more articulate, and more capable than I was. And I’m not even exaggerating. There were too many good students in my school that there was no room for mediocrity. Only two things mattered: honor and excellence. It was very frustrating for me, being ‘just okay’ in a community that values brilliance. I never knew being ordinary could hurt so much, but it did.
When I finally graduated, I wanted to matter to the world. The university I went to was very service-oriented; and after four precious years of service-oriented education, I absorbed a sense of idealism that was characteristic of most fresh graduates. I had this unwavering level of confidence that I could change the world and “defy the system”, as most would put it.
But one day, I realized that I had been searching for my worth in all the wrong places. The weird thing is that what spurred this realization is the meaning behind my name.
It’s actually just an alternative spelling for jasmine, the flower; but my mother, being the creative person that she is, gave it a meaning of her own.
Jessamine = Jesus Is Mine
So one day, while I was pondering over this, a very simple truth pierced my heart for the first time in ages: Jesus Is Mine, and I am His.
That very day, the Lord spoke to me, addressing the struggle I had been fighting all my life:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”- Isaiah 43:1
I am redeemed. He has called me by name. I am His. Why should I fear? Why am I trying to earn the approval of other people, when the Lord himself has called me His precious child?
That day, I realized that my search for identity had been in vain, for my identity in Christ has and will always be enough.
The funny thing about all this self-worth searching is that it is impossible. The truth is that left to our own devices, we will never be completely worthy. Not for the people we keep trying to please. Not for this world. Not even for ourselves.
But here’s the good news. We may be the most sinful, broken, unworthy, and non-mattering creatures on this earth. But guess what? Someone chose to value us when He died on the cross two thousand years ago. We don’t even have to try to prove our worth anymore, because He already did that for us. (If you still doubt this, just look up the meaning of the word redeem)
Why do people feel insecure? It's because we're always looking at ourselves. Are we good enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Relevant enough? And the list goes on. But the truth is that we will NEVER be enough. We'll ALWAYS be inadequate. Because we are humans, and we'll forever be broken. But if we look at Jesus Christ and the worth he has placed upon us when He died on the cross, we realize that it's more than enough. He's more than enough. And at the end of the day, that's the only sense of security we need.
As another quote from An Abundance of Katherines goes, “What matters to you defines your mattering.” Our value comes from who or what we value most. Jesus Christ has gifted us with an insurmountable sense of worth. The only thing left for us to do is to place Him at the highest throne in our hearts and be completely satisfied in Him, whose love is better than life itself (Psalm 63:3).
