BruClark + Lois: a crackfic
Summary: Bruce Wayne and Lois Lane are dating and Clark Kent has totally normal feelings about it. He’s not jealous at alllll.
Rated M for mature themes, not content. wc: 2.7k ao3
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“Brucie, stop,” Lois giggled.
Giggled. Actually full on giggled. It was quiet, private, but that meant nothing for someone with superhearing. Nor did the low tones or the way lips were brushing over Lois’s neck muffle her companion’s answering murmur.
“What? You enjoyed it last night when I was between your—”
CRACK!
Clark blinked, looking down at the remains of the pencil that had not only been snapped in half between his fingers, but had been all but pulverized into dust. Oops.
With an aggrieved, though silent, sigh and a thinning of his lips, Clark opened the draw of his desk at the Daily Planet and swiped the remains of his pencil inside to join the splinters of its fallen brethren. He then pulled out a fresh one from his rapidly depleting pack to return to his handwritten notations, doing his best to ignore the suscerations of the couple at Lois’s desk.
Bruce Wayne—famed billionaire playboy and newest owner of the Daily Planet—sat on the edge of Lois’s desk as he leaned in to twirl a strand of Lois’s hair between his fingers with his vapid, sleazy smirk in place. Lois Lane—famed Pulitzer Prize winning journalist with a nonsense personality—leaned equally into Wayne with a schoolgirl smile as she gazed up at him through her lashes.
Their relationship had, of course, been made public before any acquisition of the Planet by Wayne Enterprises had come about, and according to gossip sites the entire acquisition from LexCorp had been to help save his partner du jour’s job. As well as his good buddy’s, Clark Kent.
Clark, meanwhile, wanted nothing more than to snap something other than a pencil as he had to repeatedly see and hear Bruce’s and Lois’s uncharacteristic lovey dovey-ness. Well, uncharacteristic for Lois, at least. Clark had unfortunately seen all manners of Bruce’s flirtations in the past under his guise of Brucie Wayne.
He was still amazed to think that the oftentimes flamboyant, clumsy, philandering, nepobaby drunk was none other than the brooding, moody, caped crusading Dark Knight himself: Batman. One of the core founders of the Justice League and someone who spoke more often in monosyllables or grunts when not explaining their mission plan or abrading them for any mistakes made during said mission. Because the guy who just “accidentally” spilled Lois’s coffee all down his front?
Yeah. Not so much.
Except Lois doesn’t know that side of Bruce at all. She knows Clark’s secret, had figured it out herself even, but she seemingly had yet to discover Bruce’s. Which, he supposed, could make more sense. After all, Lois was from Metropolis, not Gotham. She hadn’t had repeat encounters with Batman like she had with Superman, and Clark could admit that Batman had far more stealth than the alien tank that was his own alter ego.
So what the heck made Lois turn into this bizarro character he was unfamiliar with around Brucie Wayne? She had never been like that when they dated, and he had been certain that she would look right past Bruce’s charms and keep things entirely professional. But no, somewhere amongst the various press events and interviews, she’d fallen for him.
Clark wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t. He and Lois had both mutually agreed that whatever spark that had been there wasn’t quite present anymore, that they would always love each other but they weren’t in love with each other, that they would be better off as friends. And Clark stood by that. So no, he was in no way jealous over Lois’s changed affections.
So why did it bother him so much?
Was it just because he knew that the Brucie persona was utterly false? That he knew that the real Bruce wasn’t anything like the guy currently trying to dab black coffee off his cream suit shirt while suggestively asking if he should just take it off. (Cat, of course, heartily agreed with this sentiment, though Perry was trying to see if anyone had any spares on hand.)
(Clark did. For obvious reasons. He did not offer any.)
(Bruce knew he had them.)
(He did not think about Bruce wearing his clothing.)
(At all.)
(Really.)
He wondered what Bruce’s game here was. The media made their own speculations as Lois was one of his longest lasting public flings, and they had even dug up the history between her and Clark, as well as pounced on the idea that Clark and Bruce were somehow “good buddies”. Thankfully, that drama died down quickly. He mildly suspected outside involvement, but in any case he was just glad it did not evolve into anything more. Clark had no interest in any sort of media presence outside of writer bylines.
It didn’t help that Clark was frequently a third wheel during those first few weeks of Bruce and Lois dating. A buffer, they called him. A mutual friend who could help with any awkward tension. Clark, meanwhile, felt like he caused more tension than he helped. He disliked all the flirting, the sly touching, and the kissing.
The first time Clark caught Bruce and Lois kissing he’d accidentally shattered the three pints of beer he was carrying back to their table at the bar. The urge to immediately fly around the world and then to hide out in the Fortress for a month had almost won out.
It was still like that at times. It wasn’t jealousy, however. Lois had dated around before after she and Clark first split up and Clark had felt a pang of what could have been at first, but then he’d felt nothing. If anything, he was just happy she was getting back out there.
Now, anytime she touched Bruce, Clark had to admit that he felt something. But it wasn’t jealousy. Couldn’t be. He felt just…well, territorial was going way too far, even if he did have to fight the urge to rip Lois’s hand away. Protective, maybe? That wasn’t quite right either. Lois could handle herself. Uneasy certainly though. And a little…annoyed?
(When Bruce touched Lois, Clark’s gut always gave a weird twist, like something heavy was settling into it. Something almost like dread. He paid that feeling no mind.)
Perhaps it was simply because he was worried about her getting her heart broken. After all, she didn’t know the real Bruce, just his public persona. She just knew Brucie. If Bruce really cared for her, shouldn’t she know the real him? Or did Bruce act differently with her behind closed doors? Did Lois know the real Bruce? Did she…know him better than Clark did?
No. No. That was impossible. She would have to know that Bruce was Batman then, and if she knew that, then she would have already accosted Clark for keeping that secret from her. Bruce wouldn’t have to lie to her about League business or his Gotham extracurriculars either.
There was no way that Lois knew Bruce better than Clark did. Not the real, important stuff. No one did. Except maybe Alfred, or his kids, but that was beside the point. That was family. But Bruce was his best friend, no one else’s. Lois couldn’t take that place. Even if she did somehow know more than she should.
(That reminded him, he needed to confirm with Duke what day they wanted to meet up for lunch this week, and with Jason what time they wanted to go see the newest adaptation of a Jane Austen novel that was playing in cinemas. They might be Bruce’s kids but that doesn’t mean Clark hadn’t grown close to them as well with how much time he spent at the manor on his days off or after missions. Alfred also promised to bake him some snickerdoodle cookies to take back home to his parents that weekend.)
“Are we still on for dinner tonight, Miss Lane?” Bruce purred, leaning over Lois’s hand now to press a kiss to her knuckles. He was standing now, suit jacket buttoned up to cover the worst of the stain, and evidently making his leave.
Lois giggled. Again. “I was thinking…maybe instead of going out, we could stay in at my place?”
A wolfish grin spread across Bruce’s lips. “Excellent. I’m greatly looking forward to dessert.”
Clark snapped another pencil.
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Later That Night…
“Ahhhh, did you see his face,” Bruce tittered, his feet kicking in the air behind him where he laid across Lois’s bed. He would have shoved his face into the pillow he was clutching if he wasn’t currently wearing a sheet facial mask. He had the Aquaman seaweed mask, while Lois had the honey Wonder Woman mask. “How many pencils do you think that was?”
Lois paused where she was in the process of painting her toe nails, wearing a fluffy white robe, her hair twisted up in a matching towel. Bruce’s robe was his trademark black, and though his hair was much too short for a towel, he currently had it pushed back out of his face with a dark gray spa headband whose bow was in the shape of a bat.
“I know for a fact you were counting each one, Mr. Greatest Detective,” she sardonically replied. “You just want me to entertain your little ego and crush,” she accused. After a roll of her eyes, however, Lois couldn’t help smiling. “And it was seven. Well, eight if you count the one he broke when Cat said me and you would make gorgeous babies after you left.”
Bruce giggled as he hugged the pillow to his chest, rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling with a giddy expression. “Eight,” he sighed dreamily.
“Not quite record breaking, but nearly there.” Lois closed the bottle of nail polish and fanned at her toes in the soft pink spreader. “Are you finally going to put him out of his misery?”
“He doesn’t even realize he’s jealous yet,” Bruce said with a pout. He tilted his head back slightly to look upside down at Lois. “I swear, at this point I’m going to have to propose to you to get him to make a move.”
“Ew, no thank you, I have no intention of being StepBatmom to your brood of murderous children.”
“Hey, only two are murderous!” Bruce protested. “And Damian has come a long way. And Jason actually visited the manor without threatening to shoot me.”
“Ooh, progress,” Lois teased.
Bruce shrugged because, despite her teasing, it was progress. A lot of which he knew he owed to Clark, who spent almost as much of his free civilian time with Bruce’s kids as Bruce did, even without Bruce being there, and obviously Superman was an amazing influence on just about anyone. Even Damian had opened up to him, though a lot of that had to do with Clark bringing Krypto around.
He just wished he was having better progress with Clark.
When Lois had, after he and Clark had hung out a few times in their civilian identities with her, accused him of being Batman, Bruce had thought that his biggest secret was about to be blown wide open. She knew Clark’s identity and hadn’t done anything with it, but Bruce was hardly as close to Lois at the time as Clark was. Lois, meanwhile, just wanted the satisfaction that she was right.
A week later she came back with the accusation that he was in love with Clark and really, that woman deserved a raise at work. She was much too smart and talented for her own good. No wonder Clark liked her so much. He might have been resigned to that fact, had Lois not then dropped the bomb they she was fairly certain Clark was in love with him too, he just hasn’t realized it yet.
From there, the two of them had hatched this silly plan to try to make Clark jealous, posing to be in a relationship and engaging in PDA to force Clark’s hand. Unfortunately, Clark was being entirely obtuse about it all.
There were cracks, however. Little hairline breaks in Clark’s composure that were rapidly widening. Bruce knew he could probably confess and get to the happy ending he wanted (double entendre not intended but still appreciated, approved, and accurate), but…
It was kind of fun being Brucie Wayne again.
His public persona had grown tiring, though he knew it remained necessary. It had also become even more of a burden after realizing his very real feelings for his best friend, making the prospect of flirting with anyone with a pulse and upkeeping his playboy reputation even more tiring than usual. He enjoyed making fun of other socialites with his little blunders and faux pas comments, typical airhead behavior really, but it was still exhausting.
Until Lois entered the scene.
Posing as a happy, committed couple—though he knew most news outlets did not fully believe Brucie Wayne would stay tied down for long—gave Bruce the opportunity to be his annoying himbo self without having to keep up unwanted dalliances. Lois’s involvement allowed Bruce to find a bit of joy in his civilian life again, as well as embrace being a little bit more carefree in his private life as well. At least in part.
(Bruce had begun acting like that around Clark as well in their private life, but Clark seemed to think he was joking with his little flirtations. He really wasn’t beating those dense country boy allegations anytime soon.)
But Bruce was now able to incorporate those parts of Brucie that were based more-or-less on reality, no longer having to keep a clear distinction between the two. Sure, it was sometimes exaggerated for Lois, but not always. Or not by much, for the most part.
Even better when his third persona of The Bat could enter the fray as well, such as using his Kryptonite infused gadgetry to keep prying supereyes and superears out of their business on these special nights.
Sometimes Bruce just wanted to let all his worries go for a moment to dish hot goss about cute boys with his platonic girlfriend, okay?
“I mean it though, Wayne. If I see a ring anywhere, I’m shoving it right up your Bat Cave,” Lois warned.
“Kinky,” Bruce grinned, but he dutifully sat up and spun around to present his toes to Lois when she motioned for them. “Maybe I should let it slip that I let you peg me. I need to get Clark to think about my ass more. I can only bend over in front of him so many times.”
“I’m going to know way too much about your guys’ sex life once you get together, aren’t I?”
Bruce just continued grinning, unrepentant. “Don’t worry, darling, you have exclusive rights to any and all future interviews.”
“You own the paper I work for, Mr. Wayne,” Lois dryly pointed out.
“Oh. Damn. Maybe Ollie will buy it from me. Probably for the best to avoid any unsavory accusations when I finally start dating Clark. Though…I don’t like the idea of Queen being your guys’ boss. Hm. I’ll figure something out,” he said, waving the thought away as inconsequential.
A sly smirk then spread across Bruce’s lips as a thought occurred to him. “So…what if you don’t see the ring…?”
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A Week Later…
The Gotham Gazette
BRUCE WAYNE SPOTTED RING SHOPPING
by Karen Dreyfuss
Sources report that renowned billionaire Bruce Thomas Wayne, known for his bachelor lifestyle, has recently been spotted in the Diamond District visiting Gotham City Jewelers. Further reports indicate that Wayne, who has been dating Miss Lois Lane of Metropolis—an investigative journalist for the Daily Planet and winner of the Pulitzer Prize—for the past several months, made inquiries about women’s custom diamond rings. While Wayne has been known for his less than monogamous relationships in the past, there is no indication of anything but commitment between these two highly respected individuals. Could it that the town’s most eligible bachelor has finally (cont. on page 2)
The center of the newspaper article in Clark’s hand began smoking, an edge of red curling up into darkened ash until the paper burst fully into flames. His eyes, normally an inhuman crystalline blue, glowed faintly red.
That’s it. Enough was enough.
Around the world, pencils everywhere trembled in terror.
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Came up with this crackfic idea while intoxicated, though mostly just wrote it sleep deprived. I’ve fallen into a weird Superbat rabbit hole with reading fics tho and this idea (and another one I’m working on now) just wouldn’t leave me alone. So here we go. I just really needed Brucie and Lois to have a Girl’s Night.