One week from today. Eeep. I dropped off the Rx for my post surgery antacid. I picked up everything I will need to go the three day clear liquid diet prior to surgery and everything that I will be able to start eating the first week or so after surgery. My goal for the next few days is to get things as much in order as I possibly can to make it as easy as possible on my family while I’m out for a day or two. Since I chose to do this thing immediately after Pinewood Derby Weekend and 5 days before my son’s birthday (and his birthday party!), there is quite a lot to be done. My husband, of course, wonderful man that he is, will jump in and do anything and everything to make my life easier~ so I want to have everything ready for him to just step right in.
I got together with my girlfriends last night and I told them about the surgery that was coming up. I had mentioned to them months and months ago when I first started considering it, but with the exception of my friend, Kelley, I hadn’t talked to them about it again. They had lots of questions and a few concerns (there are so many misconceptions out there about these procedures, I know I had them before I started researching), but it made me feel really good that their very first question was “How can we help?” When you live as far away from family as I do, it is very comforting to have such a caring, supportive group of “family-by-choice” around you.
Speaking of family, I still haven’t told them that I’m doing this. I can’t say why, really. I mean, I haven’t announced it to the public at large, like there hasn’t been a Facebook or Twitter or Instagram note sent out. I’m not ashamed, and I’m certainly not hiding it, but I just haven’t felt the urge to put it all out there. I don’t know if I’m afraid of people not approving? Maybe. I mean, my general feeling about the approval of others is, if you don’t like me or approve of my life, kindly fuck off. Still, I’ve played this one close to the vest. It is very important to me, and I guess there is the fear of public failure. Somehow, I guess that seems worse than failing quietly. Not really, though. I do believe that this really is my life I’m fighting for here. Stakes really couldn’t be higher, so failure isn’t really an option I’m allowing myself to consider.
I talked to my mom today and for a split second, I thought about telling her. I didn’t though. I really don’t know why. I know I don’t want them to worry about me, especially since they are so far away. I also am worried that they may have strong opinions (as my family usually does), but they are also always very supportive. I think it is the fear of failure. The pressure of that many more eyes upon me. That deep, deep desire not to let anyone down. If I keep it to myself, maybe I will feel more that I can and am doing it for myself.
