#premmie baby

[this-smile-is-real]

Celebrating progress each and every day in different ways. Today in ‘Flow’ I was able to see tangible progress. For 25.5 years of my life I’ve walked on my toes and have never been able to straighten my legs. Over the last couple of months I’ve been working with the beautiful Bec and now walk flat footed (except for when I’m stressed), can touch my toes when I’m standing, can get deeper in squats, can do deadlifts properly (some of the time), and this morning was able to have my legs completely straight on the wall, feet flexed and with my whole back completely flat on the ground and not arched.

I have come so far from where I started movement wise, flexibility wise, strength wise and fitness wise and for everyone at the gym along the way- I am so so grateful 💜

[this-smile-is-real]

I felt peace tonight in choosing to share this:

Today I cried to my therapist as I explained the guilt I’ve carried for most of my life (survivor’s guilt?)

I was born weighing 600g (1 pound 5) at 25 weeks and 3 days.

(Nearly) 26 years ago that was not considered viable. I was born not breathing and after 20mins of work on me I was then rushed to the NICU for 111 days.

I have been told a million times over the story of that journey, that 2 days into being alive the doctors said to my parents ‘we have to make a decision on whether we give up or if we keep trying, there’s something about her that’s made us keep trying’

I can only speak from what I’ve felt. I have carried so much guilt that my life was saved. There were so many babies in that NICU that didn’t make it, that perhaps could have lived so much more of a better life and done so much more than me. For 2 decades I have so desperately wanted out of my own skin, body and life.

I have felt like if the doctors and nurses knew what my life had become, they’d be disappointed.

With all that being said: I believe in a Creator, that I am known, loved and belong here.

I can live my life pursuing healing, peace, health, wellness and wholeness. My life doesn’t have to ‘be’ something to be worthy. It is, just as it is.

Life is a gift. It mostly hasn’t felt like that, but I want to use the breaths in my body to bring life, hope, kindness, healing, love.

I will be grateful for this body, this mind and this life. There is more to come and I will make it beautiful 💜

[this-smile-is-real]

Today marks the day that I came home from hospital, a few days after my ‘due date’ after 4 months fighting for my life in the NICU, back in ‘96-97

There are so many milestones that get celebrated throughout our lives but some of the most important can be coming from home with hospital with a baby in your hands when that outcome didn’t seem likely. To the doctors and nurses that worked their miracles then, we are so grateful. To my parents that were absolutely phenomenal and there in every moment they possibly could, holding down jobs, travel, and a very sick baby. To the people that prayed for me and believed for the best- that has never gone unseeable. The battle I’m in right feels just as tough but I survived as a little tacker, I can get through this as well 💛

[this-smile-is-real]

GRATITUDE POST: This morning I woke up to the sound of rain and over a coffee Mum shared more of the story of the crazy, hectic, heartbreaking, inspiring story of when I was born. What unfolded was nothing short of miraculous. When my mum went into labour at 24 weeks so many God-coincidences occurred and when I was born at 25 weeks and 600 grams I was not breathing. The doctors spoke these words: when babies are born not breathing we have to determine how hard we try, with Hannah there was something that always made us keep going. It was a miracle, is a miracle and continues to speak volumes to me as to how incredible it is that I have this life. It doesn’t always feel that way, but there is a greater purpose for me than I’ve imagined for myself and that was proven in so many ways almost 22 years ago 🙌🏻

[themidnightbeasty]

Whoo!

Jonah is now 9 weeks old and weighs in at 3lbs 13oz and is coming home in a few days!

He will be on oxygen but I'd rather that than nothing!

He is feeding well and has got sooo chubby!

Love my little fighter so much!

Cant wait to get him home

<3