Judgmental
Since I've got nothing to lose, might as well be 1000% honest about all aspect of my life
Yea maybe I am judgmental
What of it?
Do I still come to you about my grievances?
My disdains with they type of person you are and how it contributed to the harm of that little girl you think still I am?
No
I don’t tell you anything about yourself anymore
Because I know its useless
There’s no point in me being real with you because you always make it about it me
Bringing up mistakes from my past
How I’ve wronged you and your family
But will turn around and say I am apart of that family
As you grant them different graces when they’ve hurt you in ways I couldn’t
Nah.
Im not apart of your family
And I never will be
And thats ok
You can’t even get past the things I’ve said and “done” to you
But I'm supposed to grant you that grace
Nah
Not goin down like that
I know for sure now
Like I’ve always known
That we just can’t talk
Whether it be for the rest of my life or not
Not sure
But I can’t talk to you right now
You will kill every ounce of joy I find in myself if I do
You can't fathom me being happy
Me not being miserable
As much as you preach about how I shouldn't be hung up on the past it really seems like what you want me to do
To forever feel shitty about what I'VE done to YOU
How I’ve WRONGED YOU
I don't even care anymore
Yet how I feel about the things you and your family have done are always brought up
No matter the conversation
And I'm in the wrong
For knowing what I do and do not like
How I do and do not like being treated
Whatever
I'm not going to apologize for that
Because you still judge me for the things “I let” happen to me, so you say
You throw in my face almost every time we speak that all has happened to me because I didn't want to hear what you “NEEDED” to tell me
I could never judge and blame someone I love for the evil someone else did to them
And you can’t even see how cruel that is
Whatever
It's not my job to teach you
I don't want the job
You're not about to make me constantly want to die
And that’s another thing too
You know I dont have anybody anymore, as I just told you her and I aren’t friends anymore
And this is what you felt was the thing to say to me
Whatever
I pray for true forgiveness and that it’ll come in this lifetime because the blaming of what happened to me is just going to make me further hate you
Further hate how you think
Further hate how you're so disgusted with the person I am
If you hate me so much stop talking to me
Stop forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do
I am not even asking for your counsel or help anymore
Raise the rest of your kids because I don't need you
I tell you I'm in the Bible, learning God
And yet you still think I'm moving on my own accord and answer to myself
I hate speaking and not being listened to and deliberately not being heard
Its so hard to love me? Don't
I'm not asking you too
Never forcing anyone to do it again
YOU. DONT. HAVE. TOO
Why is that so hard for people to understand/grasp?
That I can indeed be ok without their love?
That I will succeed without their blessings and approval???
Is it because you couldn't do that without your parents’?
And everytime I mention them I'm the shitty person or I take things too far
So. Be. It.
I'm tired of you misconstruding what I say on purpose
To fit the mold of me you have in your head and will never let go
Fine
I'm done trying
Done proving myself to you
Done disproving all the negative thoughts and feelings you have towards me
I'm done
Because you’re going to feel and think what you want anyway
And there’s obviously nothing I can do about it
I've tried my best
Was even vulnerable with you again as I vowed to never do so again after you were so cruel to me
But I tried again because you’re my parent and I know that’s what God would want
Show me the real of what I should be doing and how I should be doing it God because I know this was to further make me alone
I don’t care anymore God
I understand I don’t need people and that I am too be alone during this period
So I am ready for the assignment you are to give me
I'm listening
Because I'm not talking to anyone else to listen to them
You and I Lord
Tell me what you want me to do
Tell me how im supposed to not want to off myself when this is what I have “family” wise
Please tell me
Please give me a sign
Please help me through these times of people further pushing me down when they know I'm already down.
I know now to not to let them know about my grievances and only take them to you
I. Get. That. Now.
So what’s next
I know its something
I feel it
Bad things happen right before a blessing comes
I know something great is to come from the pain I feel
I just know it
In your name I pray
Amen