Miss Palmier

welcome to my journey back to love. be ready for tears and revival :)

[kinkiicoils]

Are black people still on tumblr?? Reblog so I can follow✨🤎🖤

[christ-brought-me-through]

Beautiful Black Queen checkin in <3

[christ-brought-me-through]

hey y'all, I'm on my period again and summer walker is playing so lets get it

So it’s been a minute since I've seen or had any contact with him. I’m glad, but as you can probably guess, I’m feeling some type of way about it again (my period truly is a raggedy bitch). So basically I got my feelings hurt recently because I was creeping on their twitters for no apparent reason at all. Now I thought he didn't claim her online because that's just the type of whore he is but on the contrary, he actually does. I saw a few exchanges between them and he even addressed her as “his girl”. I ain’t gon lie that shit hurt but it is what it is. He wants to act “right” by her after doing me so dirty, *pssh* whatever. I just need to stay in my lane and not worry about them because the more I do, the more hurt I'll be. He has no way to contact me other than text messages (I have him blocked on all social media) and I have a feeling that he isn't bold enough to text me. And if he does I’m literally going to straight out ask him what he wants because there is nothing for us to talk about. We have to work together on future projects and I don't know how that’ll happen without us getting close because I know the type of personality he has. But we shall see. I just know one thing, things can never go back to the way they used to.

Reflection:

Looking back at this day, I 1000000% feel for 19 year old babygirl. At 23, I'm just now being able to control my EXTREME mood swings when it comes to my cycle. And can we please talk about how we're literally on our periods 3 out of 4 weeks of the month?! -_- Like cmon bruh, of course I'm gon be tweakin. And it didn't help one bit that no one person in my family talked about this stuff (most likely due to ignorance and misogyny regarding the topic) growing up, so I had to figure this out all on my own. When my period decided to make her grand appearance, I was 12 years old in the 7th grade, and the only conversations I had with the women in my family were surrounding the biased preferences of pads as opposed to tampons and keeping myself clean so I don't stink... Not a drop of information was given about the changes my body would be going through as the months progressed. Especially with me getting older and cycles changing right along with you, as you age and develop. WHY AM I STILL GETTING MONTHLY ACNE AT 23?!! *ahem* Excuse me. The lack of preparation for such a huge milestone in my life apparently still gets me riled up.

It also didn't help that I would amplify the depression by listening to heart-wrenching music, in the dark, after isolating myself from those who cared about me. But hey, #whattayagonnadoaboutit?? It's what happens when you're the eldest that just so happens to be raised by the media because "you're so mature for your age"; i.e "we don't have to properly raise you because you're already ahead of where we were, at your age". *eye roll* To be able to be a kid, with an actual childhood that wasn't ripped away at such a young age, I'd be living such a different life right now.

The way society glamorizes adulthood in children's movies and television shows is a sick ploy to get children to literally give their souls and innocence to the closest adult, so said adult feels temporary relief from the "impending doom" we've all come to know as aging. The fetish behind youth has become so normalized that most people turn a blind eye to blatant forms of pedophilia and ageism. But we'll touch more on that another time.

[christ-brought-me-through]

Someday in February Part 2

He makes an effort to show that he means what he says this time as he always does and it ends the same way it always has, him getting too comfortable and taking my kindness for weakness. He texts me to talk and hangout and I reluctantly agree and what always happens, happens. He yells to the top of his lungs that we are just friends and that we (he in particular) are not ready to be in a relationship, yet the rules change when it comes to his doings. We are whatever he wants us to be, whenever he wants us to be it because I allowed it. I allowed it because I miss what we used to be. I miss how I used to feel when he would give me his attention for however many hours at a time. I miss it because I actually felt like someone actually loved me. Like someone actually wanted me. I think it has something to do with the lack of attention I would get from my father/ the slight abandonment issues from my mother... Boys don't really give me attention in that way so when one finally does I try to hold onto it. Although in the moment it is actually hard to believe that someone would actually want me. Due to the abandonment issues mentioned previously, they have unfortunately developed into self esteem issues. I know I have gotten so much better over the years but I still have quite a ways to go before I love myself the way I want to love myself. I feel like I could reach that point in my life if I lose weight and become slim but I know I must be happy in the now because I never know when life can be taken away from me. So I must be grateful for every moment. But it is a work in progress that I acknowledge and vow to conquer. Now back to him...

Today is Valentines Day and even though he has made it very clear that he doesn't care for me... a part of me still thought he would keep his word. That he would follow through with what he said he would do. That he would show what he “felt”. But I've seen him today and he hasn't said a word to me (well he may have said hey to me but I don’t think it was to me). But its for the best because I don’t know how I would react if he were to speak or give something to me. He better keep that same energy for my birthday and the following days because I am tired of his shit. He has constantly hurt me for no apparent reason and this time was the final straw. How dare he humiliate me in front of our friend when he was the one boohoo crying to his friends about how he's so sad I wouldn't even look at him?! And now has the gall to turn everything on me because he has an audience! I don’t and never will understand him. Its not my job too. He can take the mess that is himself and leave me the hell alone because I deserve none of it. I have done nothing but show him kindness and forgiveness time and time again. And what has he done? Stomped on it and spat in my face each and every time. He has no regard for my feelings and wellbeing and this is why I can never associate with him in the way I have before. He doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve my love. He doesn't deserve me.

The hard part is just getting over the memories and feelings. Because through all of the heart ache, there were good moments. There were times where I thought we were moving in the right direction and could actually be something. I see a lot of my father in him and I believe that’s why I care for him so much. It doesn't help that we have so many things in common. When we can just sit and enjoy each other’s company... it meant the world to me. Especially when we would laugh and vibe together... I’m going to miss that. But it must go because these tiny moments aren't worth the days of hurt and pain that soon follows. No amount of happiness is worth being disrespected or treated as less than. I know my worth and so will every other person I meet.

Reflection:

*sighs* unfortunately, the acknowledgement of my double consciousness is a bittersweet reality that'll continue to plague my love life for the near future. As I am sharing these reflections with you all, I have gain a sense of discipline and covenant with God that has saved me from the shackles of accepting less than the bare minimum. However, we are still in the beginning of my love journey. Bear with me readers.

[christ-brought-me-through]

Someday in February Part 1

Two days before my birthday... and I am heartbroken. I have been left with a shattered heart and a slap in the face. He is so selfish. I have done nothing to him at all. He has done everything to me, and yet for some reason he believes he is the victim. I allowed this shit to happen again because I thought it would be different. I thought he'd be truthful and we could actually start working on us, the right way. He boohooed cried about how he was so sorry and how much he knew he fucked up. About how he has been so depressed and tormented that everything around him was falling apart. About how he feels so trapped and unhappy in his current situation. About how sorry he was. I subconsciously let myself start sympathizing for him because that's just the type of person I am. I yell that if he was so “trapped” and so “unhappy” he should free himself. He says its not that simple and I yell that it is... 

I then take the initiative to start throwing blows with my words. I yell and curse about how I didn't deserve to be treated this way, that he knew that I wanted to be left alone if he was remotely involved with anyone, that I could have just been left alone. But since he is so selfish, he couldn't let that happen. He was bored over class trip so he decided to entertain himself. He took entertainment in playing with my emotions, yet again. 

He didn’t care that I was hurting and have been hurting since September, he only cared that he was on the brink of losing me forever meaning he would have to be alone whenever he got bored with his latest squeeze. And he couldn't have that so he put on this act of sadness and said everything he knew I wanted to hear, to make me stay.

I was fed up with the bullshit so I got up and walked away, thinking this would be the end. But then I hear my name being yelled. I hear it again and I finally stop in my tracks, turn around and yell “WHAT?!”. And then he says exactly what my heart has been yearning to hear,

I love you, I’m in love with you.

I didn't let it resonate within me the way I always thought I would when someone told me they love me for the first time, because of the anger. 

I yell “why does it take me walking away from you to make you be honest?” He says he doesn't know and that its complicated, so I left him to be in his complicatedness, alone. I walk away again and he still follows and calls after me. For some reason, (I know the reason) I want him to be something he's not and to feel something he doesn't; the love he keeps spewing he has for me. I turn around again. He cries that he knows what he has to do and that he will make it right. I finally say “then make it right” as I made my exit.

Reflection:

Boy oh BOY was this a DRAMATIC rollercoaster lol. This was my first official romantic interaction with a narcissist and looking back on it three, almost four years later, I feel for the girl I used too be. So desperate for love that I was willing to let a boy play in my face while publicly humiliating me. It wasn't until later this month that I finally had enough and proceeded as if he never existed because he straight up denied ever saying he loved me in order to "save face".

Letting this boy keep me in limbo, toying with my emotions to feed whatever fiend that resided within him that craved to prey off of my own ignorance and immaturity, I was setting myself up for a world of heartbreak I had only ever read about. And lemme say this; words could not compare to the hole I let immature boys drill into my heart.

[christ-brought-me-through]

Yaaaaaay 25 posts! And this is just the beginning! I am going to archive a few of my posts as the blog is being revamped a bit. However, that doesn't mean this amazing content will be gone forever! My previous posts will back before you know it, bigger and better than ever :)! Thanks for the support, I really appreciate you <3 -thesevereempath

[christ-brought-me-through]

That Park in the City

I was there a few days ago

Parked a block from your house

I told myself I was coming back to reclaim the city

Because it doesn’t belong to you just because you’re from there

But as soon as I crossed that toll bridge my soul was screaming for me to turn around

To run back to safety

Back to the life God created for me

But I let my pride get the best of me

I tried to prove that no one or anything could run me out of anywhere

“I’m not goin out like that” 

I kept saying

So there I was 

At the festival 

Memories of our first meeting flooding back to remembrance

Your corny pickup line that led to our first kiss

The empty promises of change you pleaded as I brought your belongings back to that very first place we met

You insisted on leaving your toothbrush in my car

Signifying that we weren’t done

That you’d be back

When you were never really there in the first place

But I was

I was there 

I was always there

Waiting for you to see me

Waiting for you to realize what you had so you could finally love me back 

But that never happened 

A part of me died in the City 

And you buried the rest of her in the Town

I’ll never get who I used to be back

Who I was before you 

Who I was before I let you kill her

It was meant to happen though 

Because now

I know who I am 

And Spirits live forever

So thanks I guess

I never have to experience death again

[christ-brought-me-through]

Glass Box

I can see out

But I can’t get there

Everything that I want and need too be is right there

I just cant break the glass

I call this Glass Box

“Disassociation”

In this box I get a front row seat of my life passing me by

I’m living life

Doing all that I should

But my light is dimmer

Like a flame dying from loss of oxygen

I can’t breathe

When I breathe

The weight of the world collapses onto my chest and 

I can’t breathe

Everything I began to heal starts to melt

Grabbing a fistful of sand and expecting it to stay whole is what its like loving you

Like that Rite Aid scoop of vanilla with chocolate chips

I left the Box before I turned into a puddle

A mess

That’s always the stage before “too late”

Now I have too hurry and bathe before I get sticky skin

Because ants always swarm when they smell something sweet

They’re really just like you

The honeyed scent of divine acceleration 

That’s what keeps you coming back

Its now on me too figure out how to become deathly allergic to Glass

[christ-brought-me-through]

Prideful, Or Do You Just Have Me Fucked Up?

You sit over there with your nose turned up

Like everyone’s shit UNBEARABLY stanks

When in actuality you’re the shit you’re constantly smelling

Oozing into everyone’s personal space

But that’s exactly what you want 

To make everyone miserable right along witchu

Nah 

Not anymore

I’m not about to let you show your ass because you think you can

Not anymore

So you want someone to bully?

To make someone feel just as small as you are because you can’t fathom someone being comfortable in their own skin?

Bet 

Come at me 

Because I’m ready for yo ass

I see what kind of spirit possesses you and I’m not letting you blindside me anymore

Since you wanna walk like a demon

Talk like a demon

Imma treat yo ass as such

Just make sure to keep yo ass in the corner because this light WILL burn you

Every. Single. Time. 

The only way you’d be able to steal it is if you kill me

And in order for you to kill me 

You’d have to rear your ugly head

You’d have to outwardly be the ugly beast we all know you truly are

But because you’re a coward

You won’t 

You’re all bark and no bite

You can’t penetrate what God has bestowed upon me

Not anymore

I WON’T LET YOU

So come at me if you want

Both God and I will be ready to tear you down and cast yo evil ass right back where you came from

[christ-brought-me-through]

Judgmental

Since I've got nothing to lose, might as well be 1000% honest about all aspect of my life

Yea maybe I am judgmental 

What of it? 

Do I still come to you about my grievances?

My disdains with they type of person you are and how it contributed to the harm of that little girl you think still I am?

No 

I don’t tell you anything about yourself anymore

Because I know its useless

There’s no point in me being real with you because you always make it about it me

Bringing up mistakes from my past

How I’ve wronged you and your family

But will turn around and say I am apart of that family

As you grant them different graces when they’ve hurt you in ways I couldn’t 

Nah.

Im not apart of your family 

And I never will be

And thats ok

You can’t even get past the things I’ve said and “done” to you 

But I'm supposed to grant you that grace

Nah

Not goin down like that

I know for sure now

Like I’ve always known

That we just can’t talk

Whether it be for the rest of my life or not

Not sure

But I can’t talk to you right now

You will kill every ounce of joy I find in myself if I do

You can't fathom me being happy

Me not being miserable 

As much as you preach about how I shouldn't be hung up on the past it really seems like what you want me to do

To forever feel shitty about what I'VE done to YOU

How I’ve WRONGED YOU

I don't even care anymore

Yet how I feel about the things you and your family have done are always brought up

No matter the conversation

And I'm in the wrong

For knowing what I do and do not like

How I do and do not like being treated

Whatever 

I'm not going to apologize for that

Because you still judge me for the things “I let” happen to me, so you say

You throw in my face almost every time we speak that all has happened to me because I didn't want to hear what you “NEEDED” to tell me

I could never judge and blame someone I love for the evil someone else did to them

And you can’t even see how cruel that is

Whatever 

It's not my job to teach you 

I don't want the job

You're not about to make me constantly want to die

And that’s another thing too

You know I dont have anybody anymore, as I just told you her and I aren’t friends anymore

And this is what you felt was the thing to say to me

Whatever

I pray for true forgiveness and that it’ll come in this lifetime because the blaming of what happened to me is just going to make me further hate you

Further hate how you think

Further hate how you're so disgusted with the person I am

If you hate me so much stop talking to me

Stop forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do

I am not even asking for your counsel or help anymore

Raise the rest of your kids because I don't need you

I tell you I'm in the Bible, learning God

And yet you still think I'm moving on my own accord and answer to myself

I hate speaking and not being listened to and deliberately not being heard

Its so hard to love me? Don't 

I'm not asking you too

Never forcing anyone to do it again

YOU. DONT. HAVE. TOO

Why is that so hard for people to understand/grasp?

That I can indeed be ok without their love?

That I will succeed without their blessings and approval???

Is it because you couldn't do that without your parents’?

And everytime I mention them I'm the shitty person or I take things too far

So. Be. It. 

I'm tired of you misconstruding what I say on purpose

To fit the mold of me you have in your head and will never let go

Fine 

I'm done trying 

Done proving myself to you

Done disproving all the negative thoughts and feelings you have towards me

I'm done

Because you’re going to feel and think what you want anyway

And there’s obviously nothing I can do about it

I've tried my best

Was even vulnerable with you again as I vowed to never do so again after you were so cruel to me 

But I tried again because you’re my parent and I know that’s what God would want

Show me the real of what I should be doing and how I should be doing it God because I know this was to further make me alone

I don’t care anymore God

I understand I don’t need people and that I am too be alone during this period 

So I am ready for the assignment you are to give me

I'm listening

Because I'm not talking to anyone else to listen to them

You and I Lord

Tell me what you want me to do

Tell me how im supposed to not want to off myself when this is what I have “family” wise

Please tell me

Please give me a sign

Please help me through these times of people further pushing me down when they know I'm already down. 

I know now to not to let them know about my grievances and only take them to you

I. Get. That. Now. 

So what’s next 

I know its something

I feel it

Bad things happen right before a blessing comes

I know something great is to come from the pain I feel

I just know it

In your name I pray 

Amen

[christ-brought-me-through]

Who Am I? An Introduction to My True Self

I am a direct link to my Father. A splitting image of the Most High. The harbinger of peace and love. A mother to a child in need, a sister to the lost, a protector of those being abused, a direct vessel of God’s love and lastly but definitely not least, a child of the Most High. I get my strength and perseverance from Him so the love within shall flow forever <3.

Psalms 139: 13-14 

For You formed my innermost parts; You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

Jeremiah 17:7 

Blessed [with spiritual security] is the man who believes and trusts in and relies on the LORD

And whose hope and confident expectation is the LORD 

Psalms 27:3 

Though an army encamp against me, My heart will not fear; Though war arise against me, Even in this I am confident. 

Proverbs 3:25-26

Do not be afraid of sudden fear, Nor of the storm of the wicked when it comes [since you will be blameless]; 

For the LORD will be your confidence, firm and strong ,

And I will keep your foot from being caught [in a trap].

Isaiah 35:4 

Say to those with an anxious and panic-stricken heart,

“Be strong, fear not! Indeed, your God will come with vengeance [for the ungodly];

The retribution of God will come,

But He will save you”.