#priority: personal

[solracht]

yes

every time i try to start packing i start to cry which is totally fine and normal but i'm genuinely so tired of doing this Again and Again and Again

i'm so emotionally raw rn and i don't even want to go to any of my commencement ceremonies anymore and i'm tired of watching people celebrate with their friends and family and seeing people celebrate online

this is so fucking hollow. a degree, an award. and it's fucking hollow. i don't even want to look at my cap and gown. i don't want to touch them. it's like being crowned prom queen in an empty auditorium. it fucking sucks knowing that one of the biggest moments of my life is a fucking chore for people around me to deal with. congrats, you're graduating into a world on fire and there's no way to go home

also there are now two (2) holidays dedicated to parents that leave me an emotional mess and i get to hear people complain about celebrating it so that's fun

[solracht]

despair inducing

i have like nothing that constitutes as an actual meal--just a bunch of canned veggies and like 1 thing of frozen naan left--and i found some leftovers that got pushed to the very back of my fridge and got excited but they've literally all gone bad and i ate 2 bites of one to see if i could somehow outrun food poisoning bc it's Definitely Bad and let's just say im already nauseous <3

[solracht]

Obsessed w the fact that literally everything I need to say to ppl rn is shit that killed me to hear and that's precisely why I can't say it

[solracht]

petition for there to be a way for a person to scream without actually screaming and no screaming into a pillow does not count

[solracht]

literally just lyric journaling under the cut

i have one best friend to this very fucking day // since we were five years old and i fucking moved away // i wish i never did 'cause she's the only one who sees me

gave them the benefit of the doubt, i was so wrong // i cut them off and they came for blood 'cause they know // they ain't getting no more

I'm so done with playing piggyback // Swear to god, wished y'all the best // You're lying your way to try to gain a piece of me // WHEN YOU COULD NEVER COME CLOSE 'CAUSE I KNOW MY DESTINY

I worked hard for my shit, put my love in this shit // Now you're tryna kill my name for some fame, what is this?

All the plastic people here

Love and empathy are things that we hold we hold so close // Trying to learn and evolve

[solracht]

///

wanted to:

- shower

- do my laundry

- clean my room

- actually cook dinner

- work on hw / newspaper shit / club shit

what i managed to do before my energy ran out:

- my towels

- shower

some days just be like this

[solracht]

how do i protect my peace, time, and energy and take the time that i need to be By Myself without making it seem like i don't want to spend time w/ ppl jdsoifhsdfisdf

i feel like im neglecting some ppl in my life and it's killing me

[solracht]

ok but i really feel like i need to schedule my day by the minute, including scheduling time for like. doing hobbies and shit. and specifying which hobby i'm engaging in

bc a lot of them tend to genuinely be forgotten

(books that i swore i'd finished and then forgot about; manga that i legit only stopped reading bc i forgot ab it; games that i never finished bc i had to set them aside for a sec and then. forgot ab)

but i feel like this is an unhealthy way to live, kinda