TAGGING: @jillian-evans + @lomccarthy
WHERE: The McCarthy Cabin at Powder Mountain in Utah
WHEN: Thursday Night, late, December 29th, 2016
NOTES: After Jillian posts about Lauren being an example of her ideal partner, Lauren decides they need to have a talk.
Lauren adjusts her position, sitting closer to the fireplace - Utah is cold. She runs her fingers through her hair while she waits for one of them to say something. She's older, maybe she should say something first. "I'm sorry," is all she can muster and it hangs between them for a moment. "I'm sorry that I don't know what to say or when to say it."
Jillian scoots hesitantly farther away from Lauren, wrapping a blanket tightly around herself and looking out into the snow. Truthfully, she wishes it wasn't so white and bright and she'd be hidden in the darkness. She pauses. She doesn't know what to say. "It's fine. I wasn't..I mean, you don't have to say anything. In general. I think I should be the one doing the talking. Or just, explaining myself. To start. Um, so I'll do that. But I'll probably cry. And in which case, I'm going to ask you to not comfort me because that'll make it worse." She hesitates, digging her nails into the palm of her hand. "Can I begin?"
Lauren Surprised, Lo looks away from the other girl, glancing at her feet. There's something to say about having a conversation like this in your childhood safe haven. Something about feeling comforted by your surroundings despite being confused. "It's going to be hard for me not to comfort you if you're crying... but I can only promise to do my best."
Jillian figures she can't stop the other women in her actions. But either way, she clears her threat and then nods. "Okay. Um, okay. I'll start by saying that yes, I do have feelings for you. They aren't just oh, I think Lauren is an amazing person feelings. They're real. You just make me want to be a better person. And I just feel like I can't..not be around you sometimes. I didn't try to have them, it just happened and I know when we first met you talked to me about how everyone thinks you're in love with them because you're so nice, but I think these are different. And I can't help it, I just.." She trails off, feeling worked up but managing to not cry yet. "I really, really tried to get past them and move on, but then you kissed me. And you complicated everything and acted like it didn't happen and now I'm even more confused and it's not fair because I really like you a lot, and I know you're just leading me on and it just, it's so sucky, Lauren. Why'd you kiss me?" She asks, and then she stops and looks away, tears brimming at the corners of her eyes. Just a little bit.
Lauren looks from Jillian to the ground and then back again. She finds herself struggling with what to say. Feelings are not Lo's strong suit and Jillian is right, she knows that people tend to fall for her without her even realizing it. But this isn't the same. Lauren has been able to tell and after kissing Jillian, well... she was even more confused than before. Swallowing hard, she attempts to say what she's feeling. "It is sucky. I am not going to deny that - I likely should not have kissed you in hindsight. But not because I don't have feelings for you, too." she sighs, her own breath becoming shaky. "You may be young, Jillian, and so very unaware of all of the things that you bring to the table, but that doesn't count you out for me. I enjoy your company and you make me think. It's not that I don't like you - I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't. It's that.. well... I don't know how to like someone. And I'm not sure I should be allowed to."
Jillian Resting her chin on her knees and leaning forwards a bit, Jillian takes a small beat to consider Lauren's thoughts. It's not Lauren telling her she's in love with her. But it's not Lauren laughing in her face or making her feel bad. So she'll take it. "So you don't..despise me and think I'm weird because I like you more than I should? I was worried you'd be creeped out. I wasn't even going to tell you. But being here, with you, and everyone else, and I just..it's hard. And it finally came out I guess. And I'm sorry. And um, that's what I was thinking. That maybe if you randomly kissed me, you did have feelings for me. But then it was never talked about so I just assumed you hated me or you were leading me on or something." She swallows, drumming her hands on the couch before she stills them. "I believe that everyone should be given basic means of love, I think most people deserve that. You might not be the best at it because you've spent most of your life busy and traveling..but I'm not good at either. And I know how I feel." She pauses. "Although if you want to settle down and have children like you claim, you might want to figure that out."
Lauren Tilting her head, she glances at Jillian with a quizzical look. Lauren knows she needs to figure this out, she doesn't need another person to tell her. Again. Broken records seemed to play around her often. She shakes it off before speaking again. "I don't despise you, I could never, and this isn't that surprising to me. We click and a lot of the time that makes it easy for us to find each other attractive in a multitude of ways." She takes a moment to poke a stick at the fire. "It is never my intention to lead someone on - I don't think most of us ever intend for that to happen. I'm sorry if I have. Traveling is what has made me understand what life is really about and maybe that makes me have a vague notion of what love or feelings really are, but I just don't do well with the words. I'm sorry, Jillian, I shouldn't have let you get this close to me. I'm not a good person."
Jillian frowns, and really, she's tired of being here and she wants go back home and be with her family instead of stupid Lauren. "No. You shouldn't of. You should've just left me alone." She says, and she gives a little sigh. "You're not a bad person. You're just confused, I guess. But, I don't know where this puts us, Lauren--obviously I want to be able to do something with my feelings. But obviously I can't just force you into liking me and you probably wouldn't want to be with me anyways but I'm not sure if I can keep up this whole friend act. Because we both know that there's something there." She says quickly. "I didn't mean that to be mean to you. I'm just..I'm really overwhelmed. And cold, and tired of how I feel. I just want it to stop. I want to just..love someone who loves me back." She whispers.
Lauren folds her arms over her middle in a protective manner, her mind reeling. She isn't sure that these words will haunt her later, but she'd be willing to bet on it. "Then when we get back to California, I will gladly leave you and your sister alone so that I don't continue to upset you." She gets up from where she's sitting and wanders to the edge of the patio overlooking the mountains. a sigh leaves her lips. "I'm not worth you being sad, Jillian. I never meant to make all of this happen and to be honest, I wouldn't wish having feelings for me on anyone. You'll find someone. " She turns to her for just a moment. "I'm sorry. For being me and for somehow making it worse by kissing you out of excitement and not ever speaking about it. You're worth loving and, for the record, you're more than enough for someone like me. I never said you weren't. Goodnight, Jillian." Lo lingers for a moment longer before walking into the house. She can't do this anymore. She can't keep letting people feel things for her.
