The One That Got Away: An Elucien Fanfic
Hello everyone and Happy Day 3 of Elucien week!!!
Prompt: Peak Yearning.
Synopsis: During Starfall Night, Lucien gets some much needed advice and an unexpected offer.
Song Inspiration: Cigarette Smoke by Olivia Rodrigo.
"It's bone-dry. bitter and hollow. You'll be miles away tomorrow. Why I'd try at all? It's bone-dry. bitter and hollow. You'll never know my sorrow. Why did I try at all?" -Cigarette Smoke, Olivia Rodrigo
There was nothing more terrifying then the feeling of falling in love, it was a lesson that Lucien Vanserra had been taught throughout the vast majority of his life.
To love was to make oneself vulnerable, a vulnerability that could be exploited and used. A weapon that could be wielded as effectively and as brutally as any blade.
To love...to love was to lose, and there was no lesson that Lucien had mastered better than the one of loss.
He had learned it for most of his life, could not remember a time where he had not carried the weight of loss within him as if it walked side by side with him, following him around like one of his brother's smokehounds.
The memory of it potent as if it were a rotten fruit on his tongue. He could not stop thinking of those that he had lost , if he had ever had them at all.
His mother...his brothers of both blood and choice..his lover...
A sharp pang coursed through his chest at the memory, the death of a lover was not something ones mind could forget.
Even now, centuries later, he still saw flashes of that night in the forefront of his memory, could still feel the deep, pulsating bruises forming underneath his flesh as his brothers held him down to bare witness to the slaughtering of the one person, besides his mother, who had loved him without question. who had fought for him, even if it was at her own detriment.
He could still see the malice and resentment in their gazes when they looked upon him, still remembered the wicked gleam in their eyes. as they forced him to watch, still felt the ravaging of his throat as his screams reverberated through that cursed forest house as his father butchered the female he loved, forcing Lucien to watch every depraved, despicable moment of it, making sure that he would never forget such a sight.
He could still hear her terrified screams ringing through his ears, forever etching themselves throughout his memory as the sound of her heartbeat, the one that had once been so joyous and free that Lucien had felt it as fiercely as his own, ceased to exist.
He had wished at that moment that his own would stop ...could still hear the snickers of his brothers as they released him, their duties fulfilled as Lucien ran to her, kneeling in the pool of her blood to get to her as he pumped his hands against her heart as if he could get it to beat again. As if by some miracle his touch would bring her back to life.
He remembered when he had gathered her lifeless body into his arms as he prayed to The Mother to bring her back, to take him instead...for what world could ever exist for him if she were not in it?
But his heart had not stopped beating in time with her own. No, the heart that had once belonged solely to her, still beat, and ever since then he had tried to find the reason why it had done so.
He thought he had found his reason as an invisible string tugged at him, his gaze flickering up to the balcony of The House of Wind as he saw her glance up at the moon.
Her golden brown hair flowing in the wind, still gazing at the beauty that the full moon had to offer as he retracted his own gaze. Perhaps it had been instinctual and she had not noticed that she had tugged on her end of the bond. He never knew when it came to Elain Archeron,
He held no delusion that Elain ever thought about him, had long since shrugged them off since he had felt her during solstice night. She had made her point loud and clear, had it not been for the male beside him, and Feyre's desire to see him, then he would have not come at all.
He averted his eyes, focusing instead on the golden threads of his burgundy jacket as he smoothed the fabric down, a second nature to him, and one lesson that his father had bothered to instill in him. To look the part even when your own life was falling apart.
He clenched his jaw at the thought of it, knowing that the male had not bothered to teach him this lesson because he cared for Lucien, but because of the fear of what Lucien could do to his own reputation.
It had always been that way between them, To Beron Vanserra, Lucien had always been his errant son, the disgrace to his family's name, and the stain in his life that he could never remove. And he had always made sure that Lucien knew that. Had felt every ounce of his hatred from the moment Lucien had first drew breath.
He knew why, knew what the male saw when he gazed upon Lucien. A reminder of the male that he detested above all else. Lucien's face a mirror of his very own, The High Lord of the Day Court.
It did not matter if he had inherited his mother's fire, her gaze, even the redness of her hair, for all Beron saw when he gazed at Lucien was reminders of him, and the shame that it had brought on Beron's line for Lucien to even exist. The scars on his flesh firm reminders of how far Beron had gone to suppress any part of the male that sired Lucien. Lucien's nails imbedded in his skin at the reminder of it as the wind ruffled the tendrils of his wine red hair.
Rhys had given him the heads up that the male who sired him would be here tonight. Had been shocked when Feyre and him had come to him with the information only to find out that Lucien already knew. Had kept this part of himself buried for so long until it boiled to the surface.
Even now he could feel the power that he had inherited from that male licking up his spine, caressing his flames, beckoning them to merge, to dip further into his power reserves as Lucien clenched his teeth at the thought.
He did not hate The High Lord of the Day Court, not truly. Understood his decisions deep down, but it did not mean that his choices had not left their mark. Knew deep down that his father's decisions, both his fathers had been part of the reason why he hadn't minded Elain keeping him, at arms length on top of his own.
"Is everything alright?" Rhys inquired drawling him from his thoughts.
His gaze flickered to Rhysand, still waiting patiently for Lucien to walk through that threshold. To take those first steps into the house, and see what awaited them.
"Why wouldn't it be?" He asked, his gaze flickering back up to the balcony where he had last seen Elain, realizing that she had now vanished. His heart straining at that before he turned his full attention back on Rhys.
"I would understand-we both would if you would rather be somewhere else tonight. I know this isn't the holiday you would typically be celebrating tonight, but-well, we're glad that you came, Lucien."
Lucien averted his gaze again, Tamlin's words still fresh in his mind as he had told Lucien that he did not want to share in this holiday together. It was one thing to let him into his lands-another for them to spend Nynsar together as they once had. The wound those words had made still pressing against his flesh. Lucien didn't know why he had expected anything different. Why he even still bothered at all.
"I had no prior engagements." He answered, a courtier's answer, but he had no doubt Rhys could read the pain in his gaze regardless.
"Shall we then?" Rhys offered, offering an olive branch of the sorts.
Lucien accepted, nodding his answer as he made it through the threshold and into the house beyond.
The party was in full swing, save for a few people, almost everyone was gathered here tonight as his eyes swept across the room, an invisible thread tugging at him, as his gaze firmly snagged on her.
He found it a difficulty to breathe as he beheld her, She was resplendent in her sage green gown, appearing as a goddess forged from the earth itself as he forced himself to look away.
No matter what the universe says, she is not mine. He reminded himself.
Tonight he would not be as starry eyed as a lover...Tonight he would play the role she set for him, and try to do so with ease, no matter how much it hurt his own soul to do so.
"I need a drink." He called to Rhys, not bothering to hear the male's response as he strode for the bar, prepared to eddy the sorrows and tribulations of his mind with the power of drink, grasping one of the many glasses of wine displayed there before familiar fingers brushed against his own. Her touch damn near scolding as if he had been licked by his own flame before he pulled his hand back, the golden thread that bound them both, tugging at his side, yearning for him touch her, to close the distance between them and-
"Apologies, Lady." He told her, swiping the wine glass beside the one that their hands had almost touched and weaving his way through the room before he could hear her response. He couldn't play this game of theirs, at least not tonight.
Rhys's brow lifted as Lucien rejoined him, taking a generous pull of his wine as the mulberries exploded on his tongue. The taste of the wine a welcome distraction that deterred his mind from its wandering to how sweet she would taste upon his tongue.
Rhys gave him a knowing look, his eyes sparkling in amusement as Lucien fought the growl that formed in his throat. He needed air, and he needed it fast.
"Lucien." Feyre greeted him, sweeping him into a hug before he could protest, as he wrapped his arms around her, careful to assess Rhys's mood as he did so.
He relaxed some as Feyre pulled away, her hand going to the swell of her abdomen as Lucien inquired,
"How is the little one doing?"
Feyre beamed,
"He's running out of room in there." She stated, wincing slightly.
Rhysand stiffened by her side as she gave him a quick glance of assurance, his own hand engulfing hers, still pressed firmly to her abdomen. A thousand words passing between them as Lucien glanced away, his throat bobbing at the sight.
He did not begrudge his friend of her happiness, especially after what had transpired between the two of them, but he couldn't help the hollowness he felt in his chest, the envy that was there when he beheld what she had built for herself here. A life that he had always hoped he would have for himself. A place where he truly belonged. A home built from his own hands, and a family of his own. He wondered if he would ever find that place. If he was still capable of having those dreams.
He stole another glance, searching the room for her, knowing full well that he probably should have stopped himself, should have spared himself from that pain, but as he found her in the room, he couldn't help how his spine stiffened at the sight.
For his ma-Elain was talking to none other than to the male who had sired Lucien himself. Helion, The High Lord of the Day Court, listened to Elain as they exchanged pleasantries, leaning in close to her as an inferno welled up inside of him. Not of jealousy, but of-
Amber eyes flickered to his own, as if they had felt his scrutiny from across the room, could see the flames flickering in Lucien's gaze as Elain turned to see what had caught Helion's attention, her mouth pressing in a tight line as disapproval flickered across her gaze. She didn't understand, no one really could.
He felt Feyre's assessing gaze, her hand squeezing his arm, returning his attention back to her, a sympathetic look in her blue gray eyes that he wanted to shrink away from. He didn't need anyone's pity.
"I need air." He told them, excusing himself.
Feyre did not argue, did not move a muscle to stop him, as he made his way to the balcony above, hoping that no one followed to watch him fall apart.
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The chill of the cold spring night air battled for dominance against the fire blazing through his very core .
Lucien hoping to assist that chill, adjusted his collar, willing his fire to settle as he shrugged off his burgundy jacket, hoping to smother some of the infallible heat surfacing up inside of him.
Even though he had been born an Autumn Court male, he was still burning hotter these days, as if he had been touched by the sun itself. As if his powers were fighting for dominance against the powers Lucien had been trained to wield ever since childhood.
His jaw clenched at the thought of his sire’s powers being stronger, for most of his life, they hadn’t been, until he had come back from Under the Mountain, until his father became High Lord, Until he had gained the full force of his powers back. his status now cemented, forever tying Lucien’s fate to his. His son by blood and his heir by birthright.
Lucien grasped the wine glass, the cold touch of it helping ground him some as he leaned against the balcony taking another sip of his drink as he glanced at the stars that had thrusted this fate upon him.
His eye clicked, focusing on them as he tracked their movements, as if he could read the decisions within them. As if it were that easy.
Footsteps fell as something tugged at his middle. Not the bond, that one felt different. Was different. Lucien’s mood soured as he fought the clench of his jaw, taking another generous swallow of his wine before stating boldly,
“You shouldn’t be here. Isn’t being near me against your and mother’s-“ He tried to find the words. “Tentative arrangement.” He answered waving a hand between him and The High Lord of the Day Court, who had shut the balcony doors behind him to allow them some privacy. The stars themselves already knew his most dangerous secret. There was nothing to hide from them.
Lucien didn’t turn to face the male, not giving a singular shit if Helion was a High Lord or not. It was in poor taste for a courtier and emissary to do so, but for the heir that Helion had willingly left behind….Lucien saw it as justification enough.
“It is.” Helion answered plainly, no remorse in his voice or any form of apology. He was a High Lord, he did what he wished like all the others had. “But I wanted to check to see if you were okay.”
Lucien scoffed. As if the High Lord who more or less ignored his existence for the past three hundred years could ever care about Lucien’s well being.
“Lucien-“
Lucien’s eyes turned sharply to Helion, cutting him off. He wondered what the High Lord saw in them. If Lucien’s fire still rose to the surface.
“Unfortunately for you, I have little patience for family reunions today. Best to try your luck next year, if you even deem me worthy to do so.”
He expected the High Lord’s wrath. For him to deem Lucien as little more than a petulant child that was acting out due to three hundred years of longstanding resentment. But all he saw when he gazed at Helion’s face was a flicker of remorse, which took even Lucien by surprise.
“Perhaps I deserved that.” Helion admitted, stepping up to Lucien’s side at the balcony, taking a moment to glance up at the stars that surrounded them. Lucien stiffened at the close proximity. The near contact. It was the closest his sire had ever dare go to him. Afraid of who may bear witness, who might uncover that truth.
As if it could sense his presence, that fire….the one Lucien tried so hard to tame, to suppress rose to the surface. He had tried to douse them until they were nothing more than embers, after it had reduced Lucien’s brother to mere ash and Tamlin had found Lucien trembling in the woods next to them, dried blood coating Lucien’s arms and hands as Tamlin took in Lucien’s tears stained cheeks….tasted the tang of his fear, grief, and rage in the air before he took Lucien back to his manor to clean him up.
Those same flames rose to meet Helion’s now. As if they knew his sire stood before them and yearned to break free from their carefully curated cage that Lucien had crafted for them. Lucien’s hands trembling at the thought. Something Helion took note of.
“They’re growing stronger. Aren’t they?”
Lucien’s jaw tensed, trying to wrangle in said powers, the flames welled in his eyes instead. A mix of both his mother’s and his father’s powers as potent as molten metal, forging Lucien into a weapon so dangerous others sought to destroy him. His stomach twisting at the mere thought as the chilled air of the night grew hotter.
He avoided the question, refusing to meet Helion’s gaze. He never wanted this bottomless reserve of power, the weight of it. Resorting to the power of his words and his knowledge instead to keep his dynasty at bay.
Now-Now it seemed as if he could not put it off for much longer. His hands gripped the stone of the banister at the thought.
“I can help you.” Helion offered as Lucien’s gaze snapped to the male’s in surprise. The High Lord of the Day Court drawling a sharp intake of breath as he saw the depths of power that resided in him.
“How can you help with something you can not understand?” Lucien inquired.
It wasn’t a jab, per se. Merely the truth laid out before them. Helion understood the power that Lucien inherited from him. He did not understand wielding powers from two courts and how they merged until it was damn near suffocating.
“We can start off small. If you-“
“If I what?” He asked, holding the male’s stare.
Helion swallowed. Nervous. A High Lord who had met his fair share of opponents on multiple battlefields was nervous. Did Lucien truly unnerve him?
“If you came to the Day Court-“
“Doesn’t that go against what you promised my mother?” Lucien threw back at him. Lips pursed in frustration. An arrangement the two of them made when they found out he had been conceived. An arrangement born out of fear of what others might do if they found out.
“This isn’t about your mother, it’s not even about me. This-This is about you. About giving you a chance to acquire what you’ve been denied.”
His gaze turned to Helion sharply, crossing his arms over his chest as he glared at him,
“And what is it that you think I’ve been denied?”
“A home.”
Lucien opened his mouth to argue, to say that he had already had a home, but something within Helion’s gaze made him pause.
“I know that I’m probably the farthest thing you think about when you think of a home. I know I can never be the father that I should have been, the one that you deserved. But-I want a chance to get to know you, Lucien. To get to know the male you’ve become.”
He turned his face away, emotions welling up inside of him. He wanted to push him away. Wanted to tell him that he didn’t need him.but-
“Why would you want to? I’m not your burden to bear.”
He swore he felt the world pause at the words, the admission.
“Is that what you think you are? A burden?” Helion rasped, he wondered if the male’s own emotions were getting to him .
Lucien’s gaze flickered forward, his mind churning in contemplation as he gazed at the stars above them.
“It’s what I always have been. What everyone always expects me to be.”
A firm hand landed on his shoulder, forcing Lucien’s gaze back to his.
“Listen to me. Lucien. You are many things, but a burden is not one of them.”
Lucien’s eyes stung his mind wandering in a bunch of different directions. He had spent his life resenting this male, resenting the power that had flowed throughout his veins as a constant reminder of who he truly was. And what it had costs him.
“You don’t even know me.” Lucien reminded him.
“Perhaps not in ways that others should but-I have seen glimpses of what you are like when you care for others. The lengths you are willing to go for them.”
The world paused. He had, Lucien realized. He had been there, perhaps not for everything, but for little moments here and there.
“A lot of good my loyalties did for ones I cared about.” He mused, the weight of his mistakes and miscalculations weighing heavily on his mind.
“We are not perfect beings. And the fact that you are willing to weigh the outcomes of your decisions means that you are better than most. Most fae would not care as deeply as you do. Would not give it a second thought to those they have harmed. In that, you are wise beyond your years.”
As if feeling a shift in his universe, Lucien leaned his back against the bannister. As if that invisible string tying him to her encouraged him to do so.
“You don’t have to make your choice right now. I know things are….complicated.” Helion told him, reaching into the folds of his chifron to pull a delicate gold mark out from under it. Lucien glanced at it in puzzlement. “I just want you to know that this is an option that’s open to you. If you want it.”
“What of mother?” He asked.
“Your mother knew from the moment I became High Lord that this arrangement was on burrowed time. We were young when we made it, we did not know what either of us would become, all we sought was a way to protect you. But even we can not stop what was written in the stars.”
Lucien glanced towards the double doors then as if he could see her through the threshold beyond. His heart straining at the thought.
“Did you love her?” He found himself asking. Feeling a weight between his ribs, a pulsating of the bond. Wondering if Helion’s own felt similar, or if he could still feel it at all.
“More than I thought was capable of loving a person.” He claimed.
“How did you do it? How did you leave?”
How did you leave her? He wondered. How did you leave us?
“I learned in life that you must love a person enough to respect the choices they made for themselves. Perhaps-Perhaps one day they’ll come back to you. Perhaps one day you’ll be reunited again but-“
He glanced at Lucien, making him wonder what he saw underneath.
“If not then you have to accept that too. I have a lot of regrets in my life, Lucien, but you and your mother will never be one of them.”
He wasn’t sure how to answer. What exactly to say? Perhaps the silence between them was answer enough as Helion stepped forward pressing the coin into his open palm.
“The choice is always open to you, Lucien. Your mother and I may have set you on this path. But it is up to you to decide if you want to walk upon it. If you-If you chose it, use this coin and it will guide you to me.”
“And if I chose to reject your offer?” He inquired.
“Then keep the coin anyway.” Helion smiled, making his way back to the balcony doors as the wind ruffled the ends of Lucien’s red hair, the male slipping back inside as Lucien glanced back at the stars, contemplating the path ahead.
****************************************************
Elain kept her gaze trained on the balcony doors beyond, to the males that laid before it. A path playing through her mind as she saw where it would take him, even if that path was away from her.
She clutched her glass, careful as she was in most things. She had saw how deep Lucien’s hurt ran. Had felt the pressing of a wound that he needed more than her to heal.
She felt that wound alleviate some, felt her mate’s mind contemplating the path before him. One she knew he had to walk if he was meant to become who he was destined to be.
The string tied to her ribs, yearned for her to go to him. To beg for him to stay by her side. To not leave her. But she knew-knew that there were some paths that they both had to walk on alone.
He would be gone by morning. She knew. A note to her would be slid through the crack underneath her door, an explanation for his sudden departure and what brought him to this decision, before he would set forth on that path ahead of him, and follow it until he found his purpose again.
She pressed a hand to her chest. A small sad smile playing over her lips as she glanced beyond those doors, swearing she could still feel the warmth of his touch, the smallest brushing of his fingers sending her burning in his wake as Elain set down the wine, the memory of his touch still firmly on her mind as she forged her own path, hoping that one day their paths would cross again, and she would feel the warmth of his smile again, as blistering as the sun upon her skin, as she tucked the thought to the back of her mind, and wove her way through the awaiting crowd, leaving a piece of her soul behind as she went.
@elucienweekofficial
