Summary: Christmas time is hard for everyone. But especially if you’re a family that’s been torn apart by the terrible deeds of your patriarch.
Warnings: Angst, mentions and descriptions of panic attacks.
A/N: I have too many things I can say about this! I enjoyed writing it and I hope y’all enjoy reading it!
They sat on the couch, an old quilt covering their laps. Jackie’s cold feet wedged beneath his thigh and the couch cushion. A warm cup of apple cider in hand. A black and white Christmas movie played on the tv that he only half watched. The perfect way to spend Christmas eve. Working for the NYPD he had learned to appreciate the rare peaceful moments of life, even more so after the arrest and the looming trial of the Surgeon.
He furrowed his brow. As much as he was enjoying the moment he couldn’t help but think about him. Malcolm. Stoic, shy, lost. He had only started speaking again a few months ago. It was a good sign but he was still a very broken, traumatized, lonely kid.
“Gil,” she nudged him with her foot, “just call and invite them over.” He looked at the house around them. The half decorated Christmas tree stood twinkling in the corner, a box of decorations beside it. Some sparse garland wound around the staircase handrail. A small paper crafted Santa’s village decorated a shelf. It wasn’t much but it was home.
He groaned standing up, missing the warmth of the couch already, and took the few steps to the small kitchen where the wall phone hung. He didn’t have to look up the number having memorized it after the many calls he’d made since the arrest.
It rang and the quiet voice belonging to the solemn boy answered almost immediately.
"Hey kid, how’d you know it was me,” he smiled, wondering if Malcolm had been waiting by the phone. He had told him he would call to check up on them during the holiday.
“You’re the only one that calls,” the voice was flat, without any sadness. His smile faltered and cleared his throat not quite knowing what to say.
“Could I talk to your mom,” there was silence on the other end of the phone, “Malcolm is everything okay over there, do you need me to come over?"
"No! It’s fine. She’s fine. My mother is just…she’s just busy at the moment."
Over the months Gil had learned what Jessica being busy meant. Busy drinking. Busy locking herself in her room. Busy trying to block out the pain that comes from finding out your husband is a serial killer. She wasn’t a terrible mother. Just a person terribly unprepared to deal with the trauma she was dealt.
"Since your mom is busy would you and your sister like to come over? Maybe sleepover?” He glanced at Jackie with raised brows. She smiled and nodded at him in agreement. They hadn’t talked about inviting them to spend the night but she cared for them just as much as he did, maybe more. He waited for a reply. If it wasn’t for the even tones of the breathing on the line he would have thought the boy hung up on him.
“I think that would be alright. She probably won’t notice we’re gone,” he whispered.
“I’ll swing by to pick you two up-”
“No, it’s fine,” Malcolm cut him off, “I’ll have the driver drop us off.” he shook his head, sometimes he forgot just how rich this family was.
“Alright kid, remember to pack Ainsley’s blanket, we don’t want a repeat of last time.”
They had spent the last hour running around preparing for their guest’s arrival. The tree was dripping in tinsel, stockings were hung, and a small pile of presents (bought in haste at the corner store) were waiting to be wrapped in their bedroom.
It was the sound of car doors closing and a little girl’s happy squeal that let them know they’d arrived. Gil had only taken a few steps out the front door when the little girl in question jumped into his arms.
"Look!” She smiled wide, an array of teeth missing from her mouth, “I lost two more since last time!” He swung her around before setting her back down.
“Oh no! We’re gonna have to put your food through the blender before you eat,” the little girl gagged and giggled, “head on inside Ainsley, I’ll help your brother with the bags."
He nodded to the driver who had already begun to unpack the bags from the trunk of the car. An unknowing eye would think the two children were moving in. Malcolm had already begun picking up two and was attempting a third.
"Did you guys have to bring your whole wardrobe?” He asked, an eyebrow raised.
“This one’s mine,” Malcolm raised one bag, “the rest is Ainsley’s.” he rolled his eyes in exasperation.
The first batch of sugar cookies were in the oven by the time the two of them had finished wrestling all the bags into the house, up the stairs, and into the guest rooms.
“How about some hot chocolate for these two strong men,” Jackie smiled and placed two steaming mugs in front of them as they sat at the small kitchen table. He smiled at his wife with her hair up in a bun and flour coating her outfit.
“Ainsley don’t eat that you’re going to get sick,” Malcolm chided. The girl stuffed a handful of raw cookie dough into her mouth before making a face at her brother. He made one back at her. Gil couldn’t help but smile. Hearing them bicker and tease the way all siblings were meant to made him hope that maybe they really were resilient enough to make it through this.
“How about we eat some real food before a certain someone ruins their appetite,” Jackie pulled a ham out of the oven and replaced it with another tray of cookies. Malcolm stood to help, he knew where the plates and forks were kept. He knew that Gil would ask him to at least try to take one bite of the meal. And he couldn’t deny that the food, now crowding the small table, smelled amazing.
Gil watched as Jackie showed the kids how to decorate the cookies. Ainsley was already on her seventh, happily pouring sprinkles on. He made a mental note to make sure that wasn’t one they would leave out for Santa or Santa would be needing a root canal. Malcolm, on the other hand, was still on his first. He would start, carefully squeezing the icing on before scraping it off with a knife and start the whole process over again.
“Malcolm?” the little girl’s voice sounded worried. The knife in the boy’s hand shook.
“You know you’re not gonna get graded on this kid, it’s just for fun” he rested his hand on Malcolm’s shoulder and the boy jumped, dropping the knife and cookie to the floor. He looked up at Gil with a thousand-mile stare. His body began to shake. Gil dropped to his knees.
“Hey Malcolm, you need to take some deep breaths for me okay. You gotta breath kid. It’s okay,” he pulled Malcolm into his arms. He was so thin, so small that he easily picked him up out of the chair and quickly carried him out of the room, away from the music and twinkling lights. He heard Jackie comforting a crying Ainsley.
“Shh, it’s okay Ains, Gil’ll take care of him. Let’s finish these cookies up for Santa”
Malcolm started to breathe again in ragged gasps when they were halfway up the stairs. Gil sat on his bed still cradling him in his arms.
“That’s it, deep breaths. Deep breaths. It’s alright Malcolm, you’re safe. I’m here. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. It’s okay to cry.” The boy clung to his shirt, loud sobs muffled against his chest. He held him tight against him for what felt like an hour, only releasing him when he felt Malcolm push against him. The boy’s eyes were puffy and red, his usually perfect hair mussed.
“I’m sorry I ruined Christmas eve,” he whispered, a few tears escaping his eyes. Gil put his hands on the boy’s shoulders and squeezed.
“You didn’t ruin anything. You can only listen, Rudolf, the Red nose reindeer so many times. And you probably saved me from getting sick from eating all those cookies,” Malcolm laughed, wiping his face with his sleeve. “Let’s get you cleaned up and go see what they’re up to downstairs.”
They came downstairs to see Ainsley snuggled against Jackie on the couch watching an old claymation movie. The girl’s eyes were drooping.
“Alright miss, I think it’s time we get you to bed. You don’t want to be here when Santa gets here,” Jackie stood from the couch, stretching.
“ ’m not sleepy,” the girl rubbed her eyes and sat up suddenly,“ I can’t go to bed yet, Malcolm you have to read me the book!” She jumped from the couch ran as fast as her legs would take her up the stairs.
“I’m not reading the stupid book, we went over this earlier,” the boy yelled up to her.
“You have to! Dad’s not here and you promised Malcolm, you promised!"
"That’s not what I meant,” he looked up at Gil, sighing, “I promised her that Christmas would be just as fun this year… I wasn’t doing a very good job at it before you called if we’re going to be honest.”
“Do you want me to read it for you,” Gil questioned, he placed his hand on Malcolm’s shoulder and squeezed, “it’s okay to not be okay with everything. You don’t have to push yourself so hard.”
Ainsley bounded into the room and thrust the book into Malcolm’s hands. The boy looked at his sister, for a moment, jealous of the childlike glee she felt that he never would again. That wasn’t her fault though and he knew it was wrong to punish her for it.
“Fine,” he took ridiculous heavy steps to the couch and fake groaned when the girl squealed and climbed into his lap. He opened the book and started to read.
She was fast asleep in the boy’s arms before he finished the story but he finished it still. Gil picked her up and carefully carried her to bed, tucking her in. When he came back to the living room he found Jackie washing dishes and Malcolm sitting at the table working on a puzzle.
“I’m not really tired yet is it okay if I finish this puzzle first,” Gil didn’t think he had ever seen a ten-year-old that looked more tired than he did and it was a 500 piece puzzle that he had only just started but he was accustomed to the boys strange sleeping habits.
“It’s fine, just let us know when you’re ready to lay down so we can help you set up,” he smiled, “I have to go upstairs and help Santa wrap some presents anyway”. Malcolm rolled his eyes at him before returning to the puzzle.
Malcolm yawned. It was his least favorite time of the day. Time for bed. Saying it was time for sleep would be a lie since he did so little of it. He always hoped that sleeping somewhere else, like at Gil’s, would make it easier but it didn’t. He turned the lights off in the kitchen and climbed the steps, changed into his pajamas, and knocked gently on the master bedroom. The door cracked open and Gil’s head popped out.
“Ready for bed?” he nodded at him, feeling the dread and jittery feeling that filled his body every night. They got to the room and Malcolm opened his suitcase, removing the straps from the bag.
“My mother had these new ones made for me, they’re supposed to be stronger. They go under the mattress like this,” he stuffed one end under the mattress and dug around for it on the other side of the bed, “and go around me like this at my ankles, hips, and shoulders.” Gil nodded and helped him place the other straps. He climbed into the bed while he was carefully buckled in. He wiggled to see if he could get loose too easily. When he was happy with the restriction Gil covered him with a thick, heavy blanket. He opened his mouth so the man could give him his mouth guard and the words he didn’t know were hiding there came tumbling out.
“Could you stay here with me? Just for a while,” he hated how pathetic, how needy he sounded but he knew Gil would tell him he was neither of those.
“Of course I’ll be here as long as you need me,” he put the mouth guard into the boy’s mouth and took a seat in the recliner next to the bed. He would never tell Malcolm that it was placed there in the room for that purpose.
Ainsley was the first to wake up, shrieking with joy about how Santa had come. The rest of the house bleary-eyed and yawning came down the stairs.
They emptied their stockings first, candy, an orange, and a disposable camera for both of them. Ainsley already on her fifth chocolate before Gil started to pass out the gifts. He knew their gifts wouldn’t be as extravagant as the ones they would get at home but you weren’t able to tell from the looks on their faces.
Ainsley was in a frenzy, moving from one toy to another like she’d never owned one in her life. Malcolm was already deeply engrossed in a book about law and police procedure Gil had gifted him from his own collection.
He started to get up when Malcolm suddenly closed his book.
“I almost forgot, we brought gifts” he ran from the room and came back a few moments later with one of their many suitcases. “Ainsley said I was taking too long so I didn’t have time to buy wrapping paper.” He started to dig through the bag. He pulled out a small jewelry box and a silky scarf and handed them to Jackie.
“I picked the scarf and Malcolm picked the earrings!” The boy rolled his eyes.
“You’re supposed to let her open it first before shouting it to the world Ains."
Jackie opened the box, the earrings were diamonds, lots of diamond. They were hands down the most expensive gift she’d ever received.
"I didn’t know if you’d like them. I heard you tell Gil you’d lost your favorite earrings a few weeks ago so I thought that maybe they would make a good replacement,” he was biting his lip and looking at her nervously. She pulled him into a tight hug and kissed the top of his head.
“They’re gorgeous Malcolm, thank you.” He smiled wider than Gil had ever seen him before. The boy practically bounced back to the bag and began rustling around it for a moment.
“And these are for you,” He pulled out an impressive-looking bottle of bourbon, a letter, and another scarf.
“She’s not exactly the most creative gift giver,” he gestured to his sister.
“How did you,” he gently shook the bourbon, an inquisitive eyebrow raised.
“I, uh, had to get the driver to buy it for me.” Gil laughed and set the bottle down and took Malcolm and a bouncing Ainsley into his arms for a hug.
Not long after a knock came at the door. Jessica, along with her attractive, stoic driver came inside carrying armfuls of gifts and food.
After another flurry of gift opening, while Malcolm and Ainsley were planted in front of the tv playing video games, Jessica sat at the table with the other adults drinking a cup of coffee.
“Thank you,” she whispered. She dabbed her watering eyes that threatened to ruin her perfect makeup. “I just- I just couldn’t do it. And I know they deserve better than me-” she stopped and Jackie took her hand in her own.
“It’s okay Jess. We’re in this together.” She smiled and squeezed Jessica’s hand.
“Thank you,” was all she could reply.
The day was coming to an end. It had been filled with fun and laughter, with snowball fights and music. Malcolm had retreated to the guest room a few times when the sound and excitement got too much for him.
They said their goodbyes. Ainsley trying desperately to convince her mother that they all could spend the night there together and only gave up when Malcolm promised to play princesses with her when they got home. Jessica had insisted on sending the cleaners to clean up the mess they left and they insisted that it was fine, they’d clean it up themselves.
He almost threw the letter out with the trash by accident. He had completely forgotten about it, the events of the day keeping him busy. His heart felt full. It had been a tough year, nowhere near as tough as the one the Jessica and the kids were having but still hard nonetheless. He was grateful for days like today that made all the heartache worth it.
He sat on the couch, Jackie sitting beside him sipping a steaming cup.
“It’s a letter Malcolm gave me, I haven’t read it yet,” he unfolded the letter. The carefully written words were almost too small to read. Definitely Malcolm’s handwriting. His throat felt tight and his heart- his heart ached in a way it hadn’t since his mother passed away. He folded the letter, setting it to the side, and cried.
He was home for the holidays for the first time since he joined the FBI. It had been a strained evening of forced politeness. It was nearing midnight and he lay in his bed, wide awake when he heard a soft knock on his door.
“Come in,” he called out sitting up. Ainsley poked her head in, a nervous smile on her face.
“Hey, I knew you’d still be up,” she took a tentative step in like she was afraid to disturb anything. “You know mom doesn’t let me in here at all when you’re gone.”
“Sounds right,” he waited for her to say something, “so is there a reason you’re sneaking around the house?"
"I just wanted to invite you. I’m, uh, going to go visit Gil and Jackie tomorrow. I don’t know if he’s told you but she hasn’t been feeling well lately and I just thought it might be nice if we both came."
"Yeah, okay. We can do that,” he studied her face, there was something else, he laughed realizing what it was, “you have the book don’t you?” She pulled the old, worn book from behind her back.
“I mean,” she stumbled over her words, “it’s just that. Well. I know we’re not kids anymore but it’s tradition and you haven’t been here the last few years so I thought that maybe you could?” She held the book out to him.
He took it and ran his hands over the worn cover. He sat up and patted the bed beside him. Her face broke into a huge smile and she jumped into bed with him, pulling the blanket around her.
“Will you do the voices?” She asked excitedly. He laughed and cleared his throat.
“Sure Ainsley,” he opened the book and began to read.
