I like reading the voltage games now and again (sucker for the Havenfall storylines) but I wish Voltage would proofread their chapters and fix all the spelling errors and sayings before they release them. ;) I’m going to have to try that saying and see the weird looks I get, lol.
aaaa sorry for not posting </3 i've actually been working on another story that is not obvious which will come out by the end of this week. hopefully. and update by then too. hopefully.
I clicked on this fic initially because I had no idea what the summary actually meant.
After reading it over no less than ten times, I still don't.
Average 20-year-old Julie Hearts finds a lone, mental vampire in her house, eating a rat. She still met God's Will. Canon Pairing.
Okay, so the vampire she meets is named Will (which just doesn't strike me as a very "vampire" kind of name. Even William would be better) but why is he "God's Will" and why did she "still" meet him?
Any guesses?
(By the way, this is a Twilight fanfiction.)
The author also describes Julie as "average" except we find out (after an unimportant, italicized prologue that I didn't actually read) that she's actually a best-selling author. Apparently the author and I have different ideas on what average actually constitutes.
It opens with the author reading a section from her new book. It's great.
"…his tender, warm hands began to caress her beautiful body all over, feeling her soft, ethereal fair skin. All the while, he whispered praising words to her ear—he whispered on how beautiful she was, and how he couldn't live another second without her in his life. He told her how he would rage on with jealousy to any other male that would try to touch me, and despite his recklessness and stupidity, she should forgive him for being such a fool… because it was his love for her that made him a total fool."
A good author wouldn't use the word "beautiful" twice within two sentences unless they were trying to go for some kind of significance through repetition. I'm going to guess that's not what's going on here.
Why is there a comma between soft and ethereal but not ethereal and fair? Why would her skin be ethereal? Is she a fairy? (From what I've picked up from dappertea, I would not recommend caressing a fairy, either. They'll probably turn you into something terrible.)
And like, I don't understand why he's telling her he couldn't live without her. That kind of conversation makes sense if they've been reunited after some kind of harrowing trial but as it is, it just seems needlessly dramatic. Besides, come on, you're going to have to spend time apart. Being codependent is not healthy.
Awkward point-of-view shift too. Yay.
Yo, overwhelming jealousy is not cute or attractive. It's creepy. You're allowed to touch other people even when you're in a relationship. If you want to hug your best friend, you should be allowed to, regardless of what gender they are and who you're dating. I mean, come on, is this guy implying that he doesn't even want other guys to shake her hand?
Love can make you all gooey for a while, but trust me, the gooey does wear off after a while. If someone continually makes dumbass/harmful decisions and then basically blames them on you in a roundabout fashion, that's not a good thing.
The audience began to applaud as I stopped reading a small excerpt from my new book, She Will Be Loved, inspired by Maroon 5's song, "She Will Be Loved".
I would not applaud for that, let me tell you.
Also, it's really asinine that she has to give us the book title and then the song title. Just write "my new book, She Will Be Loved, inspired by the Maroon 5 song."
I don't think most authors write books based upon a single song anyway. I can't say I've ever seen it happen. You'd think there'd be copyright issues or something.
Tracy, the host of the Tracy Talk to Me Show, let out a sigh of content.
You mean contentment.
"Oh my, I would want a man like Jaxon… Jaxon, right? How do you pronounce that name? Jason or Jackson?"
How on earth would you think that Jaxon is mispronounced Jason? How?
"Jack-son," I answered, chuckling a bit at that, because the protagonist of the book, Alexander, mistook his name pronounced to be Jason.
The last phrase of that sentence is remarkably awkward. Like, if I were a professor, I would write "AWK" on that in red pen.
This sort of thing just reeks of a setup. You know the tv show host person had that mixup just so the author could giggle about the similar mishap in her book.
"Jaxon. So what inspired you to write this book? I mean, I know it has to be that song, but how did it?"
"Just the chorus of the son, and she will be loved, and she will be loved, and also, that one line, Look for the girl with the broken smile."
Proofread.
Damn this is a boring interview. This sounds like a boring book too. I can tell you what the plot is already. There's a sad girl who nobody ever appreciates even though she tries really hard and then some gorgeous glorious guy comes along and makes her beleeeeeeve that she's super pretty and worthwhile and ugggggh.
I am all for love stories but what is so wrong about having a protagonist who is secure and confident, or at the very least finds confidence through something or someone other than a romantic interest?
"And the protagonist of this novel, Alex, she was a foster child and she had troubles throughout high school, dating here and there, then Prom Queen-"
I think the author is insinuating that Alex's troubles in high school are that she was "dating here and there" and that is really insulting if that's what she's going for. For bergamot's sake, girls do have problems that HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH BOYS OR ROMANCE. NOTHING.
PS. In the song, she's a "beauty queen" not a "prom queen" and there is a slight but important difference between those two. Beauty queen implies that she entered beauty competitions, maybe because of parental coercion, while prom queen implies popularity at school, self-earned popularity.
"She was mostly lonely despite her endeavors."
"And considering the biography on your website, her past seems similar to yours."
Self-insert best seller. Well, this is a Twilight fanfiction.
"Yes, but Alex's personality is more of a friend I used to know in a foster home, though I don't know where she is now since she was transferred out to another. However, yes, Alex and I do have similar pasts. We lived in a foster home until we were the ward of the state, but of course, I was never prom queen, nope." The audience laughed at that.
It should be "Alex's personality is more like that of a friend" or something thereabouts.
The fact that narrator doesn't know where Alex is right now is irrelevant to the discussion and I'm pretty sure the author only included it as an attempt at foreshadowing.
"The ward of the state" is not grammatically correct. And correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you a ward of the state when you're in the foster care system?
This audience is really easily pleased.
"And Alex got married young just after high school, but that came as a tragedy. It's also similar to yours except that you and your former husband, James, divorced."
I nodded at that nonchalantly, "Yes. Yes we did. I guess it was too soon for us, because as soon as we began living together, married, we fought almost every day." No offense, but James would never clean, not even for himself. And I nagged him endlessly, but it was because of that sole reason that he wouldn't clean. Anyways, the cleaning wasn't the only thing we divorced over of course.
The host's remarks are so awkwardly phrased. The author could have achieved the same results in a much more effective fashion if she'd written instead "Alex got married young blah blah and it ended in sadness like your marriage, except at least you and your husband only got divorced."
"So sorry to hear that, but well, at least you're single and ready to mingle again!" Tracy joked around, doing a bit of groove dance that had the audience laughing.
Just because you're single does not mean you're ready to mingle. Why can't narrator take some time off from romance to figure herself out, enjoy being herself? She's twenty; it's not like she has to worry about still being able to have kids or anything. (Why isn't she in collegeeeeeeee.)
We exchanged a few more words and answered a few more questions before finally the show ended with live music as she announced to the audience the release of my fifth novel would be in about three weeks.
We met in the backstage, and I got a gift basket. Tracy passed by, saying, "by the way, I do love your book and good job picking that scene as an excerpt, I bet there isn't a single woman out there that wouldn't buy your book."
I wouldn't buy it.
Man this show is cheap. If she'd been on Oprah, Oprah would have given everyone in the audience a copy of the book.
I laughed at that, embarrassed by such a compliment. "Thanks," I said timidly.
You're on your fifth novel, you're presumably a best seller, and you're still horribly embarrassed by such a mild compliment? Jeez.
I went out to celebrate on my own, going to a local sushi restaurant, and talking face to face with the sushi master chef.
I think they're called "head chefs" and like, if he works at a sushi restaurant, it's safe to assume he's a sushi chef. You don't need to say it.
"Hey, Julie! I saw the show! You were very good, and book very good too, I can't wait to buy it," Riki, the owner and sushi chef of the restaurant, said, and I only laughed.
"Thanks, Riki, but the book…you sure? It's really girly-"
See, what the author should have done is just, in the previous excerpt, put "head chef, Riki" and then avoided that overly long description in the bit right above.
"No problem! I could be girl too!" Riki said, joking around and I began to laughed. He's a pretty cool Asian guy with a thick accent, but he was a local favorite to everyone in the community.
Just say he was really popular. The way it's written here is really redundant.
"On the house!" He said as he put down the palte of Dragon rolls for me… Oh God, it was the most prettiest dragon roll, I've ever seen. Also, I've noticed the tiny, orange balls on them.
I gasped. "You even put caviar!"
"Yes, I did! Now eat up! Eat, eat!"
So I just checked on Wikipedia, and apparently in some countries it is acceptable to call other kinds of roe caviar, but traditionally, caviar is only the roe of sturgeon, and it's black. Narrator's dinner probably comes with salmon roe or something and at any rate, it just sounds odd to put caviar with sushi.
And so I ate and celebrated. Of course, I didn't drink, I wasn't legal yet.
Seriously fanfic authors, can we drop the sanctimonious act here? This isn't relevant. It's not important. I'd rather have you mention she didn't take a drink because she was driving home.
Pretty much anyone growing up in the US will consume some alcohol while underage. I am the most straight edge person ever and I still drank underage. If your twenty year old character wants to have a celebratory glass of champagne, I don't think anyone really minds.
Still, I had fun with just Riki, and he even advertised me.
Girl, you were on TV, I don't think you need a sushi chef marketing for you. That sentence is also phrased really poorly too.
He was probably really happy because I put his restaurant in my book as Alex's favorite restaurant to go, also it was the place where the first date was held.
God, product placement much.
Does anyone say "first date was held"? Why wouldn't you write "where she and Jaxon had their first date"?
Although my life had been hectic, it's been going so smoothly ever since my divorce, but…still, nothing in my life prepared me for what was going to happen tonight.
The last part of that sentence is completely unnecessary. Stop forcing a sense of foreboding.
I drove back to the suburban side of Homestead, Florida that was closer to the national forest.
I drove in to my driveway and got out of my car. Everything seemed so normal until I heard a noise…
More like window breaking, and probably furniture turned over, I think…
We don't need to know that your house is close to the national forest at this point.
You "pull" into driveways.
By this time, any sane person would calmly call the police, but no, my morbid curiosity decided to see if there was a burglar in my house. No fudge!
Sorry I cannot do cuss words…
Minor point first. It would be way more effective if the author just cut out that last sentence. We get that your character doesn't use profanities. You don't need to hammer it in.
Now I'd like to address "calmly call the police." Someone tried to break into my house earlier this year and let me tell you, I was anything but calmly dialing 911. I was shaking so hard that I misdialed the first time. If you think someone's breaking into your house, it's to be expected that you're going to freak out.
Confronting a burglar isn't a result of "morbid curiosity" it just means you don't have much of a sense of self-preservation (or you're really brave but those are basically the same thing).
I hesitantly unlocked my front door and stepped inside the dark house. I turned on the lobby lights, then I could hear strange noises... slurping and munching noises… like an impolite child, eating with his mouth wide open...
It's not a lobby. It's a foyer. Unless you happen to live in a hotel or something.
I heard it coming around from the kitchen and I slowly snuck in, grabbing an umbrella-yes a pink umbrella—making my way to the kitchen, seeing the sofa flipped over, broken vase, and several broken item like a destructive dog just ran everywhere all over the room. Oddly, I saw signs of mud and an imprint of what seemed like a human hand.
Author shouldn't use "it" in the first sentence since it's not exactly clear what "it" is.
Author also really needs to watch her plurals.
Nobody says "signs of mud." It should read something more like "Oddly, it looked like someone had tracked in mud and they'd even left a muddy hand print."
I could still hear the slurping sounds as I continued my way to the kitchen. I took a peek around, and my eyes widened…
It was exactly as I imagined the impolite child eating with his mouth wide open. Only it wasn't a child, it was a grown man with dark black hair, dark reddish eyes, and pale skin… He was completely and entirely naked, all covered in mud as he was sitting down with his legs crossed, eating…
The first sentence of the second paragraph is horribly constructed. It wasn't exactly as you imagined. I don't know why "impolite child" is italicized.
How do you know he's completely naked if he's covered in mud?
And what he ate was what shocked me the most. You know, there had been a rat in the house for a week now, and it was too smart for mouse traps, and knew how to evade toxic smell, but…as happy as I was for it to be dead, I was so mortified…
The stranger was…eating the rat? No, he tore its chest open and he was slurping and licking, the excess of blood spilling on the floor and mixing with the mud.
This bit really should havve just begun with "He was eating a rat." or even just "A rat." As it is, the suspense is carried out too far for my taste.
How much blood is there in one rat? No, wait, please don't tell me, I don't want to know.
It was official… I was completely insane, because all I did was stand there, gawking at him.
I don't think that makes you insane. I'd probably gawk too. Although I wouldn't have been in this position in the first place because I would've called the damn police before going inside, you dumbass.
Sooner or later, he noticed my presence but he continued slurping the huge dead rat in his hands as I stared at his…childlike eyes. In my eyes, I felt like… I felt like I was watching a child.
You turned the lights on and you're standing right there. How "sooner or later" can it get? Aren't vampires supposed to have really honed senses?
If I came home and found a human-like creature in my house slurping at a dead rat, the last thing I would compare it to would be a child. (Considering vampire is probably going to be her love interest, I also find this comparison a little unsettling.)
He dropped the rat from his hands and began slurping the blood that has dripped to his arms, including the dirty soil mud-
"NO!" I screamed, startling him of course, but I was so adverse at him licking the mud.
So you're okay with him gutting rodents in your house, but licking mud, that's not okay.
"Dirty soil mud" is a terrible phrase. Don't use it again.
Dirt is not inherently dirty.
Of course, I startled him and before I knew it, all the cabinet doors flung open and cooking utensils, plates, and pots all came out falling on the tile floor.
Um...how?
He was suddenly gone, but then I saw him on the table, crouched down like some sort of cat going on defensive but… in his eyes I saw distress.
I held my hands up in defense. "No, no, no, no, wait, wait wait…"
The rational side of my mind began to tell me what are you doing? That freaky guy was just eating a rat, and though that rat has been the bane of our existence, he still ate it! Or drank it! Like a vampire! I mean, look at its eyes! It's red! It's a demon!
If I were her, the rational side of my brain would not be determining what the hell that thing was doing. It would be getting me the hell out of there.
Though I see red, all I could see was fear as he backed up until he was close to the broken window, which was maybe how he got inside.
Author needs to watch her verb tenses.
How close are you, that you can read emotions in his eyes?
He was cautious now, tilting his head left and right like a very curious cat. I held up one finger then I went to the corridor where it leads to my bedroom and bathroom. I opened the linen closet, getting a towel, and raced back to the kitchen, of course slowing down when I was my meters away.
And he was gone…
Well no shit, did you really think he was going to stay? What are you going to do anyway, towel him to death? How would you expect him to know what holding up one finger means? Even I don't know what you're trying to do.
"My meters"?????? Pssst. In the US, we don't use meters.
Then I heard my music box playing…
I went for the formal dining room that was in the other doorway of the kitchen, and I saw him, sitting down crossed legs on the floor once more, entranced by my music box in his hands. It was a beautiful egg-shaped music box with real bright gems decorating it. There was the cork on the back, and he probably figured out to turn it.
Why is your music box in your dining room? Seems more like the kind of thing you'd keep in your bedroom?
Commas are important. "Real bright gems" means something entirely different from "real, bright gems."
The lid was open, and a ballerina was spinning around on her toe as the music played. The stranger was so distracted like a child attracted to shiny things.
Well, it was shiny.
I slowly approached him, but when he reached out to touch the ballerina, I called out, "No!"
I like that the narrator only freaks out when he goes to touch the ballerina, as if he isn't getting mud and blood all over her house and her music box.
Actually, how many twenty year olds have their own house? I mean, I know she's supposed to be a best-selling author and everything, but houses are like, expensive. And a lot of work. If she's living by herself, it'd make a lot more sense for her to have an apartment or a townhouse/condo or something.
He was startled once more, but he didn't disappear. He backed away immediately.
"No, no, no, no, please be careful… that belonged to my mother…" I told him softly, hoping he wouldn't break it, but he seemed to understand what I was saying as he put his hand down.
I smiled at him, not tearing my eyes away from him as I approached him slowly on my knees. He backed up, cautious of me, but I let out soothing words to calm him, "Shh, it's okay, it's alright… I won't hurt you…"
When I finally was close to him, I placed the towel around him carefully, covering him. He looked down at the towel confused, and he leaned in and inhaled… a smile turn up on his face as he nuzzled to the cloth.
Who gets confused by a towel?
What's she planning to do with that towel anyway?
All seemed to be well until there were harsh poundings on the door.
I don't think "harsh" is the right word here. This author is trying to make her sentences sound as awkward as possible, I think. Just write "All seemed to be well until someone pounded on the door."
"Mrs. Hearts! MRS. HEARTS!" The loud voice of a man was heard, and I recognized it to be my neighbor.
She's divorced. She's not "Mrs." anymore.
This author really likes the passive voice. "I heard the loud voice of a man and I realized it was my neighbor." There, doesn't that sound a lot better?
However, before I could answer him, a forceful wind blew me and I hit the wall head first. I fell to the ground dizzy, the world blackening all around me…
And the last I saw were his red eyes and his loud unsteady, shaking voice, "S-s-sorrrryyy! Sorry!"
Girl, you might want to check your house for drafts. Jeez.
Oh, it speaks. Awesome.
Considering the author is around my age, I'm really really hoping English isn't her first language, but she doesn't have her country on her profile nor anything saying that she's not a native speaker. She also says she's a roleplayer...eegh.
I'm also really interested as to how this story has a canon pairing, since as far as I can tell, it's all OCs so far.
