‘ i don’t sleep much anymore. ’ - Sirius
james’ shimmied up & allowed his skull to hit the back head board with force. What was really left to be said ? When james asked if Sirius was ‘up’ he was really only asking out of fear that sirius felt as much as james did. That the guilt was gnawing at his brain, and peeling back his skin and that eventually his fate would mimic that of the twins. That selfish monster in his chest reveled in the fact that he was not alone with his thoughts tonight, but his rationale won out that this was not healthy for either of them.
james knows. He knows that when the crowd dispersed after the Prewett’s funeral that sirius hung back with that troubled facade on his face. The one that made him look angry and rebellious when his thoughts were telling him to break down. He’d cross his arms and huff into the cold winter wind like he was annoyed to be so put out when in reality he was already planning out his next guilt bender. Sirius Black felt like everybody else—–maybe even stronger. The only difference is he’d only show it in the dark.
Now, with james’ glasses on the dresser next to him, the pitch black of their poorly renovated flat, and the bed head carelessly falling past his eyes, he really couldn’t see much. Even the face that james once knew so well had started growing wrinkles even in his memories. They were only eighteen. And james was starting to wonder when he’d stop feeling so old.
“ Don’t tell me it’s another nightmare about peter’s morning breath… he’s the country side’s problem now, padfoot. “
James had talked to Fabian before it went down. The Siamese idiots got james his own father’s ‘hair sleek’ potion as a secret santa christmas present, and james had punched fabian good-naturedly in the arm and told him he was a dolt. One of the brightest, sharpest, best minds in the business and one of the last words the older Prewett would ever hear is what an idiot he is. Merry christmas, fabian. It was your last. With this thought, james allowed himself to be vulnerable with the only person he’d trust with his full thoughts.
“ …… did you ever think it would end this way ? “
‘ And that we’re next ‘ was left unasked.
