Hi, I'm confused af right now please help!!! I'm in a 10 years relationship, i love my girl to the moon and back. We're married and I cannot be happier.
Few months ago my office hired this girl, she's smart, cool and very funny and I think I have a crush on her...nothing happened, we just talk in front of a coffee during the break. I don't think she flirt with me, she just joke and talk to me like she does with everyone...but my heart stops when the coffee break comes.
But I LOVE my wife!! I don't want to think about another girl! HELP HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!!
Hello there! Well wow that's a big deal...idk why you guys think but...I swear I'm not that good with couple's therapy LMAO. Ok, let's try to figure it out anyway. *summoning Mrs Mariella (click here if you haven't met her yet)*. Tis is going to be a loooooooooong post.
What to do if you have a crush outside your relationship:
Hmm...so this is going to soung bad but: It's fun to have a crush, it won't stop happening just because you're in a relationship. There are some cool and attractive people out there, no big deal. Crushes come and go and if you let them go, they will. you don't really have to do anything about it.
Be sure to stay in the boundaries of your relationship. So my thumb rule would be: "don't do anything you wouldn't want your partner to do" but feel free to adapt this to your couple's personal boundaries.
DON'T PANIC. This does not mean that you wanna get out of your relationship (especially in this case...from how you're talking about this, chill). It can mean you're craving some more novelty.
Figure out what you like about this crush (NOT THE PERSON! THE CRUSH ITSELF!! THIS IS IMPORTANT, KEEP IT IN MIND.) Because the feelings you like about your new crush are usually something you'd love to experience more with your partner. (being more wanted, being more silly...dress up more nicely, experience new spicy things). It's not something your partner has to be, it's some feeling you crave so...figure out what it is/how you can have it/why you don't have it already and what are the steps YOU can take to make it happen, with your partner's collaboration.
OPTIONAL: Once you figured out the previous point (because it's your job, not your partner's job to do so) talk with your partner about it.
(This one could be tricky, but you're in a long relationship so...I assume you guys know how to talk about difficult topics, if not...I'd work on this before anything - click here for some tips - ).
If needed reassure them with whatever kind of reassurance they need. And start explaining your "findings" of the previous point, and suggest some solutions for both of you. (DO NOT come up with "you gotta be more sexy", if you do pinch yourself, go back to the previous point and read it again).
Your goal is to find a compromise with your partner to have more novelty inside your relationship. IT HAS TO BENEFIT BOTH OF YOU, NOT TO ADD PRESSURE ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. This is supposed to be funny FOR BOTH.
For example you can't ask for more sexy-time if your partner has no time to chill because they have to run the house/come home from a 12h shift or they're idk mourning someone or struggling with a bad mental health period. Patience first, then remember that if you want something you gotta give something...like...idk cook the dinner, provide them with some time for themselves, you know their needs...and if you don't ASK.
Bonus point: this one is a lil bit deeper, if you're into this kind of self-chek, ask yourself what your crush says about you.
For example:
- Is it an authority figure? You might be looking for validation
- Is a "wild spirit"? Maybe you're looking for more adventure
I hope this helps, I did my best. GOOD LUCK!