The environment in which one grows up shapes you in more ways than you realize, and sticks with you long after you've left home in ways that you cannot possibly comprehend. Meiko was happy in Wadewick enough to originally never want to leave prior to ARR and genuinely loved by her family who raised her, but below lists the circumstances in which she as a child was failed.
Content is under a read more BECAUSE IT SERIOUSLY GOT SO LONG OOPS.
Outside of anyone's control, Meiko was barely two summers when her birth mother Vesa attempted to find the Woodwarder she mated with. She left the safety of her village to do so and was stumbled upon by slavers. Although too young to really understand what was happening, the toddler witnessed Vesa's abuse and subsequent murder.
Meiko is kindly taken in by Mokoko Mochikoko, but the well-meaning buccaneer did not consult his wife Kokopi before bringing her home. She bonds with him enough to feel safe with him, only to be left behind with a woman who is a stranger after a few weeks as he returns to the sea. And Kokopi -- Kokopi has her own issues.
As explained here, Kokopi was originally an information-gatherer for Lolorito who fell in love with the sea and faked her death to get out of working for him. Kokopi isn't even her real name! Everything was fine until one day there was an accident that left her dependent on a cane and covered in burns, and to this day she rarely leaves Wadewick as she felt Lolorito was behind it all. Kokopi is very emotionally reserved and low-key paranoid as a result -- and her husband came back from a voyage to just drop a child in her lap. A child that was nearly her size at two summers!
As a result of the above, Kokopi did the best she could raising a child she wasn't prepared for primarily on her own. And since Meiko was easily twice her size in her youth, Kokopi did not risk the Viera throwing a tantrum and hurting her or herself. So right out of the gate, she was stern when it came to disciplining Meiko for even the tiniest bit of bad behavior. As a result, the child strove to be an obedient daughter and jumped at every opportunity to help her mother for any sense of validation or reward.
Mokoko returned from his voyages every couple of months and would, essentially, love bomb his child and be the 'fun' parent. He never actively underminded Kokopi, but he definitely convinced Meiko to try fun things -- like her first sip of alcohol when she was six. He also never bothered with censoring anything for her, or asking others to be mindful of her age as 'she would learn about it anyway'. She'd go with him to the pub and hear all sorts of things not meant for youthful ears, from the violent to the sexual.
Mokoko also went on and on about how good Meiko was for helping out at home, how proud he was of having such a responsible daughter! This pattern would continue especially so after A'kihiko came into the picture. Then when Mokoko and his crew finally retired from being pirates, he'd oft spend most of his day in the bar -- and Meiko, starting at eight summers, would be expected to carry her drunk father home on piggyback.
While none of the above is particularly abusive or neglectful, Meiko's parents' actions strongly reinforced the idea that her value and worth was based in how she could serve others -- not herself. Meiko barely had any acknowledgment of who she was as a person before A'kihiko was adopted, and then (out of love for him, and likely a connection to him being the other half of her shard of Azem) almost solely devoted herself to his well-being. If Meiko was not caring for her parents or looking after A'kihiko... what was left of her? No one. Nothing. Any personal desires or motivations were ignored in favor of how she could serve others. All of the above strongly contributed to her anxiety and minimal self-esteem.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT WADEWICK.
Wadewick is a fishing town full of people with shady morals. Ex-pirates, criminals hiding out from the law, smugglers, drunks, and more. It's like a weenie version of Tortuga, really. No one in this town would be higher than level 15 if we had to put a 'power level' on them. They're not all evil, per se, but they're not law-abiding citizens and generally tend to be more selfish than selfless. Wadewick isn't on official maps because it's not a place merchants or common adventurers should want to visit.
So these neighbors, albeit not particularly nasty to Meiko and her family, didn't really give a shit about preserving the innocence of the handful of kids in the town. Maybe if it was their own child they'd make a better effort, but someone else's? No. Who cares?
They swore, they fought, they drank in excess and spoke of sexual endeavors without filter. Meiko's next door neighbors were a pair of prostitutes who ran their business in their homes, and only remembered to pull their shutters shut about half the time. Most people had the same mindset that Mokoko had -- kids are gonna seat it all eventually, so why not now? Except that none of them decided to talk about what the children of Wadewick may have witnessed to help them process it. It was just Exposure Therapy Unreal up in Wadewick.
There were even a few murders, and even a body or two found floating down by the docks where Meiko and other children would swim. Was it all horrifying? Yes! But if the adults around you don't model that horrified reaction, if they just brush it off, so do the impressionable minds around it, too.
Meiko knew it was something bad, so she did what she could to distract A'kihiko from such things when they were kids. Later in her early teen years, her friend Grymwaen ( @illwinded ) would assist in this sheltering as best they could. But Meiko herself was already far too desensitized to be properly affected.
And then, inevitably, there is the issue of Meiko being a Viera. An exotic young girl who already acted far too mature for her youthful age, and later began a very generous bout of puberty in her early teens. By this time, Mokoko was retired and often spent his leisure time challenging anyone who'd dare to arm wrestling in the pub. It was due to respect for (and sometimes fear of) him that men did not make a pass at his daughter. Those who were too stupid to be diverted by that were fortunately too intimidated by Grymwaen to do more than disrespectfully look at the girl.
Of course, even if nobody dared to open harass Meiko, it was still pretty obvious when people around her were thinking about stuff. Again, though, Meiko spent a lot of her time in the local pub where sailors would gab on and on about their conquests (often exaggerated). So although she didn't really ENJOY being ogled, she didn't bother telling people off about it as 'it wouldn't stop them anyway' and that this sort of stuff was 'normal' behavior. It didn't really help that Kokopi would agree with 'putting up with shite' was just part of life as a woman, too.
This also plays into her attitude towards working with Troupe Falsiam.
Unfortunately, Meiko wouldn't always be safe. When she was eleven summers, a drunk man latched onto her and wouldn't let go, possibly mistaking her for older than she was due to her height. Possibly. He dragged her into an alley. She managed to grab a broken bottle and, in a frenzy, stabbed him with it wherever she could reach until he did let go. She didn't even see who it was. She fled and never looked back to see if he had bled out or not. But she learned her lesson to be more aware from that point on. She never really talked to anyone about it, either -- although she will if asked.
Despite her height and rough-and-tumble personality, Meiko has always been conditioned to not take up too much space. To be as helpful as possible, to take care of others, and never be an inconvenience -- because she was an inconvenience. Kokopi and Mokoko love their children, but Kokopi's reluctance to be a mother and Mokoko's absence impressed something on Meiko's psyche. It's why she is so quick to show love to children and take care of them -- A'kihiko, Rielle, the twins, Ryne, Meteion -- because she knows what it feels like to be without love as a child, and is triggered by what she may perceive as a child in a similar situation. And yes, of course, she genuinely cares, too. But there is a definite trigger in identifying with those she can see herself in.
And then there is the shame. The shame that she is inconvenient, that she doesn't come from money or that she isn't as educated. Shame for being who she is, shame for who is she not (A'kihiko). Shame in knowing that her perceived purpose isn't based in her own accomplishments, but in being a stepping stone for others. In being ogled as a woman and as a dancer and as a Viera, for being the Warrior of Light's ill-mannered sister, but not being seen or heard.
And in assuming that everyone in the world looks at her this way, she bars the way for others who would see and hear her in the process. Inevitably, no one will care when she's no longer useful. Inevitably, no one will remember her lined up among others. Inevitably, she does not matter, and her entire life will be a struggle to be relevant and remembered. And when Meiko assists in dangerous missions and accomplishes great feats alongside the Scions, she cannot dare hold onto that achievement or pride because how dare she? She isn't special. She is an impostor. A liar. She is only a Scion for selfish reasons (looking after her brother, not protecting the realm). She isn't good enough for Hydaelyn's Blessing to be bestowed upon her at birth, she is merely a convenient backup. She is only ever good enough to be a supporting character in the grand scheme of things. She isn't smart enough, she isn't strong enough, she isn't special!
In following the Dark Knight storyline, Meiko is able to accept that all of the above is unfair and that it makes her angry. That she wants a fate other than this. But her love for her brother and the Scions, as well as her sense of responsibility for what is happening in Eorzea, is what holds her back from embracing what her Esteem desires. It isn't a satisfying solution, but at least she took that step in recognizing who Meiko was apart from someone who just supports others.
It is only when Meiko has no choice but to be the protagonist in Shadowbringers that she finally begins to sort herself out. It takes having everything else stripped away from her by force to get her embrace being the main character in her own story. It takes every Scion being put in what is essentially a death-like state for her to find her voice long enough to communicate how she feels about them. It takes being ready to sacrifice her life for the First for her to truly feel significant as a person, all on her own.
And fortunately, she is a better and changed person moving forward from that. All of her misgivings and doubts are not immediately solved, and there will be times when she has lapses in confidence and bad habits. But she has come a long way, and will continue to grow with whatever the world decides to throw at her.
