Would You Still Love Me If I Was a Worm?
“Hey, Edwin?”
“Yes, Charles?” The Edwardian looks up from his book to find his partner looking down at him with a peculiarly grave expression.
“Would you still love me if I were a worm?”
Edwin blinks. He then coughs, throat hoarse. “Pardon?”
“I asked if you would still love me if I were a worm.” Charles repeats like it isn’t the most nonsensical question Edwin had ever heard.
“Charles,” Edwin implores, snapping his book shut with a slow shake of the head, “what does that even mean?”
“What it says on the tin,” Charles insists. “Just- if I were a worm, would you still love me?”
“What- I don’t understand.” Edwin’s brows furrow in confusion. “Are you asking if I would still love you if you were turned into a worm, or are you asking me if I would still love you had you been born a worm?”
Charles tilts his head up thoughtfully. “… If I were turned into one.”
“Well then of course I would love you, Charles,” Edwin reassures, putting his hand on his partner’s where it rested on the edge of the desk. “I would keep you in a well-equipped terrarium as I figured out how to reverse the spell immediately.”
Charles beams.
“Great! What if I had been born a worm?”
Edwin doesn’t even hesitate. “Obviously not.”
“What?! Why?!” Charles squawks.
“Because if you were born a worm, neither of us would have ever met- you would be busy burrowing under topsoil as I desperately fled hell.”
Charles huffs indignantly. “What if I got stepped on and became a ghost worm? Would you love me then?”
“Unfortunately not, Charles. If you were a ghost worm and I was a phantom boy, we wouldn’t even acknowledge each other as we crossed paths. Just take a look at all the ghost bugs we’ve come across in the past. We wouldn’t even be able to communicate.”
“What if I crawled up in front of you and tried to communicate in sign language?” Charles’ hands twitch slightly as he stares off into space, clearly struggling to picture how he would translate hand gestures into annelid movements.
“Then I wouldn’t understand you. I didn’t learn sign language until the early ’90s. Plus, if a worm crawled into my path and started flailing, I don’t think my first thought would be that he was trying to communicate.” Edwin tilts his head, thinking it over for a moment. “I would probably assume you needed soil and place you gently into the nearest garden.”
Charles tries not to grin at the mental image of his best mate placing a worm into a garden with soft murmurs of “There you are.” and “There should be enough soil in there that you don’t get lost again.”
“Alright, then. What if I used a Ouija board?”
“How would a worm get his hands- tail? On a ouija board?”
“Just answer the question, Edwin.”
“Well no, Charles, there is no possible way a worm could get his hands- tail?” The Edwardian lets out a small grunt. “There is no way a worm could gain custody of a ouija board.”
“Fine, what if I wrote a banner out on a typewriter and flew it across the sky on a toy plane?”
“How in the world would a worm-”
-
Back in Niko’s room, the girl sits on her bed, seemingly blinking out of a stupor. “Hey, Crystal?”
“Yes?” Crystal asks, right next to her girlfriend as she uses her computer. A smirk pulls at her lips- whenever Niko asked her a question out of the blue, it was usually the type of talk she’d hear when one of her old friends went on a bad 3 am drug trip.
“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”
Crystal takes a beat to process this before snorting.
“Of course,” she says, bumping the blonde affectionately with her shoulder. “I’d let you ride around on my shoulder all day and feed you Cheetos.”
“Aww,” Niko beams, and for a second the Sun seems to have some serious competition. She laces Crystal’s free hand with hers. “I’d love you, too, you know. If you were a worm. I’d put you in a giant terrarium and feed you lettuce as I told you about my day.”
“Can worms eat lettuce?” Crystal muses aloud before typing her question out on the computer. “… Answer seems to be a resounding yes.”
“Yes!” Niko fist-pumps excitedly and Crystal chuckles at her girlfriend’s antics.
“See?! That’s what you were supposed to say!” Charles’ voices screeches from the next door over, causing the two girls to freeze.
“How was I supposed to know it was a sentimental question, Charles? I was answering from a place of intellectualism!”
“I asked ‘would you still love me if I were a worm?’ What about that made you think I wanted an intellectual answer?”
Crystal and Niko share a glance- Niko grinning, Crystal thoroughly bewildered- before the brunette switches off the laptop and the two scramble towards the office.
