#ptsd flashback tw

[whumpy-writings]

Enough

Of Vampires and Men Masterlist

So this was supposed to be a lot of comfort a little bit of angst, but it turned into a lot of angst and a little bit of comfort.

Takes place after Henri has been with Aldon about nine months.

CW: Vampires, slavery, PTSD, flashback, blood, self hatred, guilt, mention of past character deaths, past torture, whumpee turned caretaker, angst, emotional whump, just a dash of comfort

Aldon was sitting on the floor in the kitchen, head in his hands. It was a bad day. He had come downstairs to get started on breakfast for Henri, to distract himself from his thoughts. Well, that hadn’t worked. He had been so distracted that he burned the eggs to a crisp. And now he was on the floor and it was like he was reliving the worst moments of his life. Today was his birthday, and every year the day brought on memories of the first time he killed, as well as all the times after that that people had died at his hands. Aldon’s mind was filled with their screams, their tears. It was like he was right back there, murdering the human again. Aldon could feel the rough handle of the saw, smell the blood. A ghostly stickiness, warm and thick, seemed to cling to his fingers. Gods gods gods. Aldon sobbed, his shoulders shaking.

“I’m sorry I’m so sorry,” he murmured, throat closing with his tears. He never even knew the human’s name. Aldon wished he could apologize to him. But he was dead. Aldon had killed him with his own hands. Aldon pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes as he sobbed. He wanted to block out the images that were flashing through his mind but they wouldn’t leave. The screams wouldn’t stop either, or the smell of blood. Aldon whimpered, tried to tell himself it would be over soon. That didn’t make it any less awful.

“Al?”

Aldon jumped at the voice, lifting his head to look at Henri.

“What’s wrong? How can I help?” Henri said softly, sitting down on the floor across from Aldon. Aldon looked down at his hands, studied the lines there so he didn’t have to meet the human’s eyes. He didn’t deserve Henri’s kindness. He didn’t deserve any kindness.

“I’m fine, Henri,” Aldon said halfheartedly. He just wanted to be left alone right now.

Henri was unfazed, and sighed before he spoke. “Aldon, that was the worst lie I’ve ever heard. Something’s clearly wrong. Please, you don’t have to tell me what’s the matter if you don’t want to, but could you at least tell me how to help you?” Aldon looked up, meeting Henri’s eyes. The human’s face was full of concern. Aldon’s heart twisted with guilt. He couldn’t just brush Henri off. Aldon closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see Henri’s reaction to what he was going to tell him.

“I’m not a good person,” Aldon said quietly, wrapping his arms around himself. “I’ve killed people, Henri. Innocent people. Innocent humans. I didn’t want to, shit, I didn’t want to do it, but I did. And gods know that I hate myself for it.”

Henri was silent. Aldon continued. Henri might as well know the truth. He deserved it.

“Today’s my birthday. I killed my first human sixteen years ago. His name was Julian and he asked me to kill him. He thanked me before he died.” Aldon choked on a sob as he remembered those whispered words. “And there have been others. Gods, I still can see their faces, smell their terror. Humans and vampires. So many deaths are on my hands. Those that I killed myself and those who died because of decisions I made. I fucking hated being in the army, Henri. Having to kill. They called it a just war because the Lucians attacked first.” Aldon laughed humorlessly. “There’s no such thing. War is only sanctioned murder. You come home to parades and parties and fucking medals when all you did was kill people.” Aldon sighed and leaned his head back against the wall.

“It’s okay if you hate me, Henri. I hate myself,” Aldon whispered. Fuck, he hated himself so much.

“I don’t hate you, Aldon,” Henri said quietly. Aldon kept his eyes closed. Of course Henri would say that. Henri was actually a good person. He wasn’t playing pretend, hoping he could somehow atone for all of his sins but knowing in his heart that there would never be any forgiveness for him.

“Why not? I deserve it,” Aldon said. Gods, how he deserved it.

Henri didn’t answer for a moment. “You saved my life, Al,” He finally said softly. “I don’t think my body could have taken much more mistreatment. And even if it could...I don’t think my mind would have survived. I was tortured for four years,” Henri paused, a catch working its way into his throat. “It was hell. I didn’t see any hope for the future. For a break from the pain. When I was sold, I was sure that I would be bought by another cruel vampire. But instead you took me home with you. You saved me, Aldon. You make sure I always have enough to eat, give me a soft bed to sleep on, hold me when I’m scared.” Aldon swallowed around the lump in his throat. “You have a big heart, Al. I know that you want to save everyone, but sometimes everyone can’t be saved. But you saved me, isn’t that enough?” Aldon opened his eyes and met Henri’s. The human’s eyes were glistening, like he was about to cry.

“Can’t I be enough for you?” Henri whispered. And that was when Aldon started crying again. His shoulders shook as he pressed his hands to his eyes. Next thing he knew, Henri was wrapping his arms around him. Aldon leaned into the hug, wrapping his own arms around Henri.

“You’re enough, Henri,” Aldon said quietly. He hoped someday he would be able to forgive himself enough for it to be true.

Tag list: @thecitythatdoesntsleep @whump-cravings @thecyrulik @neverthelass @michelleswhumpyreblogs @whumpsy-daisy @the-monarch-whumperfly @aswallowimprisoned @secretwhumplair @whumpzone @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @nicolepascaline @susiequaz12 @princessofonwardsworld @puffball-lover554 @itsleighlove @pumpkin-spice-whump @wiwinia @sunflower1000 @whump-blog @that-sapphic-person @melancholy-in-the-morning @pizzasthengym @suspicious-whumping-egg

[whumpy-writings]

Off To War

There’s a bit of a time jump here, takes place about a year after A Bit of Blackmail

Of Vampires and Men Masterlist

CW: Vampires, slavery, war (mention of civilian deaths), ptsd, flashback, panic attack, ANGST

It was the middle of the day when there was a knock at the door. Aldon blinked his eyes open, groggy from sleep. The knock sounded again, insistent. Henri stirred next to him.

“What’s going on?” Henri asked, immediately awake, fear oozing off him.

“It’s okay, it’s just someone at the door. I’ll take care of it,” Aldon gave Henri’s arm a quick squeeze before he got out of bed, pulling a dressing gown over his pajamas. Aldon stepped out of the bedroom, quickly making his way down the steps to the front door. He opened it to reveal a red faced vampire, dressed in a black cloak. Then Aldon saw the green uniform underneath the cloak and his heart dropped.

“General, there’s been an attack,” the messenger said breathlessly.

Aldon cursed. He had thought they were done with the Lucians. “Come in, tell me everything,” Aldon said, gesturing the man inside. He led him to the drawing room and the man flopped down in one of the overstuffed chairs.

“What happened?” Aldon asked.

“The Lucians attacked the northwestern border, raided multiple villages.”

Aldon’s brow furrowed. “That’s not unusual.” Raiding parties were fairly common.

“No, they didn’t attack human villages. They attacked vampire ones.”

“Fuck,” Aldon whispered under his breath. Attacking human villages was a problem that they could usually control by increasing patrols at the border and imposing economic sanctions. But attacking vampire villages… that was a declaration of war.

“Over a hundred civilians are dead. Two villages were completely burned to the ground, another is in shambles. The Senate is drafting a formal declaration of war as we speak. They want you to lead the army.”

“Of course, I will do my duty,” Aldon said. “Let me get dressed, I’ll be at headquarters within the hour.”

“Yes sir,” the messenger said, standing and saluting. Aldon walked him out. As he closed the door, he noticed the shaking in his hands. Keep it together, Al. He rested his head against the door, trying to calm his pounding heart.

“Al?”

Aldon jumped at Henri’s voice, looking up at the human coming down the steps. His hair was mussed with sleep, but his eyes were alert. Full of fear.

“Who was that?”

Aldon swallowed. “A messenger from the army. The Lucian’s have attacked the border, slaughtered civilians. We’re going to war, and they want me to lead them.” With his words, the gravity of the situation hit him. Aldon leaned back against the door, closing his eyes.

“Can’t-can’t you say no?” Henri asked. His voice was closer. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

“I wish I could. But I swore an oath to this country, and I can’t break it.” No matter how much I want to. Aldon’s legs gave out and he collapsed on the ground, his head in his hands.

The scent of death tickled his nose, visions of dead and dying soldiers filled his mind. His soldiers. The soldiers he hadn’t been able to save, the ones who were sacrificed for the sake of strategy. Gods, he couldn’t go back there, couldn’t be the cause of more deaths.

“Aldon? Can you hear me?” Aldon’s mind snapped back to the present. He was curled up on the ground, shaking. Henri was kneeling before him, hands raised as if debating whether to touch him or not. Aldon didn’t trust his voice to speak. He shakily reached out, grabbing Henri’s hands and gently pulling him into his lap. Henri went willingly, resting his head against Aldon’s chest.

“Where were you?” He asked gently. Aldon just shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about that battle ever again. Aldon gently ran a hand through Henri’s hair, his heart rate slowing. They sat like that in comfortable silence for a while, him holding the smaller human.

“I’ve got to get ready,” Aldon said finally. Henri nodded, getting to his feet and holding out a hand. Aldon took it and stood up.

“Thank you, Henri,” Aldon said, planting a gentle kiss to the top of his head.

“Of course, Al. Gods know how many times you’ve helped me.” Aldon gave Henri a hug, then hurried upstairs to get dressed.

His uniform was in the back of his closet, hidden from view. He didn’t like to be reminded of his time in the military when he could help it. Aldon ran his fingers along the scratchy wool, the metal buttons. He had hoped to never have to wear it again. He pulled on the black pants, the white shirt, the green jacket with his insignia on the breast. The black leather boots were still shiny. He put on his green sun cloak, and then he was ready to go. Henri was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs, arms wrapped around himself.

“I’ll be back soon, love,” Aldon said, giving him a quick hug before he headed out the door.

…

Henri lay in bed looking at the ceiling, thoughts running through his mind. Aldon hated violence, hated war. The problem was he was good at it. Great, even. The youngest general in the history of the country, responsible for dozens of winning battles. But people didn’t know how much those battles haunted him, how he woke up screaming in the night. They didn’t know that Aldon cried himself to sleep some nights when he couldn’t get the images of dead soldiers out of his head.

Aldon had told Henri some of what he had seen during the war, but Henri knew there were some things that he would never share. Henri swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn’t want Aldon to suffer more, to have to go back to the battlefield. Aldon felt every soldier’s death so deeply, took it so personally. He blamed himself for every single death, every single injury. Privately, Henri thought that was probably why he was such a good general. He tried to find the most effective ways to win, the ones that would have the least amount of casualties.

The day passed slowly.

It was past midnight and Henri was in the study, sipping at a cup of tea and ignoring the book open on his lap. Aldon was teaching him how to read. He loved the thrill of understanding the words on the page, but right now he couldn’t concentrate. The door opened downstairs and Henri closed his eyes, forcing himself to count to two hundred before going to see Aldon. Al most likely needed a minute or two to decompress after the day he had. Henri jumped when the door to the study opened.

“I thought you might be in here,” Al said, stepping inside. There were dark circles under his eyes.

Henri was out of his chair in an instant, wrapping Aldon in a hug. Aldon was a full head taller than Henri and rested his cheek on top of Henri’s head. He sighed deeply.

“Let’s sit down, I need to talk to you,” Aldon said.

They settled on the couch, Henri tucking his legs underneath him and leaning against Aldon’s shoulder. “I’ll be leaving the day after tomorrow for the northwest border. I hope that we’ll be able to use the river to get there quickly, surprise the Lucians, and take them down within a month or so. They still haven’t recovered since we signed the truce two years ago. Why they decided to attack our civilians is beyond me.” Aldon’s voice was tired.

“Aren’t I coming with you?” Henri asked uncertainty.

“No, you’re staying here.”

Henri was confused. He didn’t want to go to war, to be surrounded by soldiers again like when he was in the EFSP… but Aldon needed him. Didn’t he?

“But how will you feed? What about if you have a flashback? I want to help you, Aldon.” Henri’s chest was tightening. He didn’t want to leave Aldon alone. And there was a small voice tickling the back of his mind that said if Aldon left, it would be forever.

“I know you do Henri, and you know I love you. But it’s going to be too dangerous. The army has its own humans, and as for my mind… I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”

“But…”

“Henri,” Aldon said firmly. He was using his General voice, the one that commanded authority. “This is not up for discussion. I know you were hurt by soldiers while in the EFSP, and even though no one will dare touch you since you’re mine I don’t want to put you in a situation where you’ll be triggered.” Aldon paused, chewing his lip. He continued more quietly. “If we are defeated, the Lucians will take all of our humans and drain them. I’ve seen it done before. I-I can’t risk losing you.”

Henri’s heart was in his throat. He wanted to argue, to convince Aldon that he would be fine, that he should be at his side. But deep down, he knew that Aldon was right. Henri sighed, his head resting on Aldon’s shoulder.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said quietly.

“I’ll miss you too, but it’ll only be a couple months. Then I’ll be back. Leon can’t go to battle because of his leg, so he’s going to come visit every couple days to keep you company and make sure you have enough food. And no, he won’t feed from you.” There was a lump in Henri’s throat, and he knew he was on the verge of tears.

“What if you die?” Henri regretted the question as soon as it left his mouth.

“Oh honey, that’s not going to happen,” Aldon said gently. Henri was crying now, and Aldon wrapped his arms around him. “I promise that I’ll come home to you. But in the very very unlikely event that I don’t, in my will you are to go to Franz, and if he’s dead then you’ll go to Leon. The will makes it very clear that you are never to be sold or hurt. It will be your decision whether you let them feed from you or not. You’ll be safe for the rest of your life, even if it’s not with me.”

“Just come home,” Henri said through his tears.

“I will.”

Tag list: @thecitythatdoesntsleep @whump-cravings @thecyrulik @neverthelass @michelleswhumpyreblogs @whumpsy-daisy @the-monarch-whumperfly @aswallowimprisoned @secretwhumplair @whumpzone @whots-a-tag-precious @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @nicolepascaline @susiequaz12 @kittysselfships @puffball-lover554 @itsleighlove

[twilighttheater-archive]

Earlier today, he wakes up from a nightmare.

It’s the first one he’s had in quite some time, one he used to have often whenever he was resting on the mountain itself. Full of awful thoughts involving the people he cares so dearly about, words he hopes they wouldn’t say to him but he had nothing telling him different back then. 

He’d done apology after apology to try to make things better today, because he knows he made a mistake. But the feeling behind the why of that mistake sinks into his mind again, he feels like that teenager scaling the mountain again craving the silence at the summit. His mind wasn’t calm but at least his surroundings would be, it would be quiet and completely devoid of anyone. Nobody would have to know the name Red, the champion, the awful friend, Kanto’s hero and disappointment at once, the battle legend. 

His rivals wouldn’t talk to him, his family had always been unreachable, and nobody else was proving to be safe to speak to with the way they criticized him over his age at the time. Too young to be doing this, maybe they were right, but if they believed it so badly they could have it.

No one was with him but his team, and they understood why this was happening back then. The effort he put in to disappear from everyone, with no intention on looking back so long as he didn’t have to.

It’s been years. It’s been years. He thinks while trying to choke back any sound. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. 

[remoteexplosions-archive]

In his dreams she abruptly returns, exactly like she never left. Patting his head and acting like everything that came after her disappearance was nothing but a bad dream. All too quickly, he believes this. He hugs her, he says that he missed her, going into just how afraid he’d been that she had been gone for good. But as his previous normal life begins to set into place, he realizes that the room is suddenly ablaze. She’s blaming him-- even though he hadn’t done anything. He tries to plead with her but she is gone. He attempts to follow but she’s locked him in, and no matter what he does the door is indestructible. 

He can hear his attacker somewhere outside, chiming in with a snide comment about the fact he should be asleep by now. He snaps at him to stay out of it, but he’s walked in from another door that Maki didn’t know was there. He blocks the way as he holds up the ice shard.

Maki awakens with tears rolling down his face, his throat sore from apparently his own unconscious upset. He can’t remember the last time he’d had a nightmare before.