#pytsteph.com

[pytsteph]

If there is one thing that I'm learning about myself and the things that I'm trying to change about me, is that I'm not the victim if I refuse to change.

I don't get to have that luxury, and others shouldn't either.

[pytsteph]

Lately all I keep thinking about is how I should've just shut the fuck up. Like, I don't say how I'm feeling for a reason, and then something big and scary proves me right for being a feeling hoarder. Talking to doc makes me feel like I've buried so much shit in the past and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass. It was much easier to sweep things under the rug and forget about them, but I never realized how sentimental I actually am to little things. This new wave of emotions this month is leaving a lot of room for feeling like shit from the most unlikely places. It bugs me that I used to let all of this shit go - but it also bugs me that people remain set in their ways to change, but constantly make themselves out to be a victim. I often wonder if I'm doing the same thing. Doc said I'm trying to project so that I don't feel so bad - a side effect of moving on so quickly without proper means of dealing I guess. It makes sense. I just wish it didn't have to leave me so fucking sad when I want normal things like a general sense of stability, a nice apartment and a decent love interest that isn't going to make me feel like shit for being crazy or isn't going to judge me based on the fact that I am definitely crazy. There is no truth in words anymore. 

I'm almost 30 and I'm writing about how I feel. What a disaster.

Conundrum.

[pytsteph]

Thick thighs tell no lies. No but srsly, I like the way they look right meow.

[pytsteph]

#GardenState

I made it out to be something “real” and existential, and it was everything but.

Watching that scene in Garden State where Natalie Portman quietly retreats and cries hysterically while Zach Braff leaves to figure his shit out. It reminds me of the time I hugged him outside LAX and was so incredibly sad to have him leave.

I cried that entire ride to and from because I was being selfish and because I thought that somehow that showed a type of affection that I still can’t show. I know that I was wrong, now. After the fact, I realize that this wasn’t at all romantic and I wasn’t doing anyone favors or showing off my new found comfort with public displays of affection. This was all in my head. And even after it ended as badly as it did, I sit here and watch this movie again and I can noticeably see how much more happy I am and how I don’t feel the need to romanticize something as as heavy as my mental illness to feel like I can function. Because the truth is, it’s not at all romantic to feel like it’s weighing you down.

I guess I just feel different. I guess I feel like my issues with both commitment and affection aren’t badges of honor, but they are things that are reflective of that pride I once held for being young and full of love… Or so I thought. At 29, that isn’t the case anymore.

I’m glad he left, and I’m glad I cried hysterically. I’m glad I figured out why I did everything the way that I did and I’m glad at the things I’m accomplishing for myself now. I’m glad that I cry everyday for dumb shit, and not for dumb sad shit. I’m happy to have the company that I do, and I’m just generally happy to feel like I can feel, positively, for the first time in a long one.

This is all I got, and I don’t know what to do with it…. But I’m glad it’s there.

[pytsteph]

I was at my sisters yesterday and we ended up watching 'Rich Kids of Beverly Hills'. My sister and I were close to a partnering suicide.

I feel like these kids represent everything people hate about Los Angeles culture and I agree with their sentiments. I would hate Los Angeles, too if I had to deal or even listen to these douche bags.

Luckily, LA is more 80% chill as fuck and isn't like that whatsoever. Not everyone talks like they're retarded here, so I feel some solace in my narcissism.

[pytsteph]

I had such a good year.

I spent time with my family, and friends and met a huge group of people through Lyft and completely changed and grew personally. Money was bountiful this year and I even had a boyfriend for like 34 seconds which is a huge step forward for me. I managed to swallow some negative shit that would normally ruin my life, and I also found out that its okay to not want to be friends with toxic people of my past. I moved forward and in the processed made and built some of the strongest relationships and also just reinforced a few of my older relationships with friends and reconnected with people. 

It truly was a year of bangerz in my personal life and on my playlist. I can't wait to see what the rest of the year has in store, and I'm excited to keep moving forward and enjoying my life in the last year of my twenties.

Also, saw the Pixies, and Depeche Mode this year. Got fun cray cray drunk and did hilariously bad life things, did drugs recreation ally, and just overall lived my life and experimented with a lot of different things. I'm pretty fucking excited about life.

I basically completed all of my goals, and I'm ready for a new set of goals. 

[pytsteph]

Current Jam: Morrissey - Suedehead

[pytsteph]

//rant

I wish that there were circumstances that would've made it more inclusive, but that's a whole other story.

On the way there, one of the girls I was with kept begging for us not to be 'That girl."

Be, what "girl"? I asked.

"That girl that hooks up and cries after because she feels horrible about herself, because guys in Vegas only want to hook up."

I can't help but feel bothered by that statement. 

So because personal experiences have made this person cry, I'm supposed to act like a Nun on my vacation? If I want to hook up and bring a dude to the room I 'paid' for - it's considered disrespectful?

I'm all for women and their opinions, but when their opinion is coming from a judgemental place it seriously bums me the fuck out.

"My parents didn't raise me to be that girl".

Well no shit, I'm sure they were trying to raise a decent human being, not a judgemental meat head that calls peoples 'sluts' and trolls for married guys.

Look - do you what you want with your body, your life and your opinions. I'm glad you have a way to voice them - but when you categorize me as trying to be 'That girl' let me let you in on a little secret, sweetie:

I am more than proud of my body. Ain't got NO motherfucking complaints, and I've never been told by a man to put my clothes back on because I'm acting like 'that girl'. I've also never been judged by Men for doing my own thing. The only people that judge this hard are insecure ladies that have been told time and time again by society that we need to act a certain way, or dress a certain way, or speak in a specific virginal sense of propriety. Fuck. Your. Ideals.

No one but me, pays my motherfucking bills and being 'that girl' shouldn't deter you from doing what you want, when you want it, and any way you like it.

So, please honey, don't be THAT girl.