[Note: Puffles please read this dreadfully long post in parts or like on a long bus ride or something IDK]
Dear Puffles,
So it’s been a long time I have last Tumblr-ed and I regret (strong word aiya) that kind of because I feel so much has transpired and I haven’t had the time to internalise a lot of it yet. That’s been one of the running themes for the past month or so actually: I’ve observed that while I have settled into York, I’m not/I wasn’t sure if I felt rooted yet because I never took the time to sit down and think quietly about all the things that have happened since moving and how I feel about it? And that’s also why I didn’t Tumblr because of the lack of reflection. Anyway, I really appreciate your patience, understanding and faith.
I quite like the Tumblr idea as a form of diary journaling anyway. You know how I feel about diaries though and my fear of committing thoughts to words - but I have surprisingly been comfortable with doing it here. So this might be a long post (I hope that’s okay and I hope you don’t get bored - read it in parts I guess). Speaking of which, I definitely hope you are reading this after your last Final (yay!) ◡̈ Cheering you on for Molec Gen :)
I think I’ll start with CU first. So we had our CU Weekend Away a few weeks ago (11-12th Oct). We went to a campsite at a place called Redmire. Even though I’ve only been at university for 7 weeks by then, I was like sign me up for this camping thing now omg plz and I definitely don’t regret going for it despite having an essay due in the same week after it ended. So if you take a look at the photos, you’ll be able to see we stayed in cabins that reminded me of the ones in Percy Jackson. So it wasn’t really camping per se - more like glamping lol. But hey at that weather, where it was 5 bloody degrees in the day (and colder still in the morning and night), I am most glad we had a warm cabin to go back to after activities. The weekend was effectively a retreat: we had a guy (a young minister) come down and talk to us about a passage in the Bible throughout the weekend (so it was like continuous bible study) in between other fun activities like hiking up a hill (it felt like a mountain lol) and games. We were also fed a lot of food which I appreciated immensely. Some CU alumni came back and joined us for the weekend, during which they were in charge of cooking food for 50+ people. I also became closer with CU seniors and peers, which was very nice. At this stage, I don’t think my CU friendships are 10/10 strong (like I don’t talk to them everyday or often outside CU) but I’m hoping that God will cause them to be blessed and grow. They’re extraordinarily nice people and I’m so glad that I joined CU this semester, even though it’s my one and only formal commitment. It’s twice a week: Tuesday for a small college groups and Thursday for everyone to come together as a university. And then on Sunday we still have Church throughout the day effectively. In any case, I’m very grateful for my friendships and fellowship in CU - I know He has great plans for me there, and my heart is filled with a lot of warm and fuzzy feelings when I think about it.
So moving on - onto food ;) So I’m not sure how I have survived one whole semester without acquiring a pot or pan. And I lost my only plate half way into the term. And I lost my only set of cutlery 2-3 weeks ago lol. So the last few weeks have been rather interesting in this regard (amongst others). So what’s been happening is that firstly, I don’t eat three meals a day (does anyone really?) and I buy lunch on Campus West (where lessons and cafes are). Dinner has been interesting insofar as I’ve had a lot of friends suddenly offer me food. It’s the most wonderful (and timely) blessing ever. I believe I’ve had almost 10 properly cooked and free dinners now. Some are from CU people who cooked too much and brought food to Faith for her to eat lol. Some of the food came from Stan’s flatmates - which has been an interesting experience (???). IDK so Stan has a few computer science friends (T.T) and they’re all pretty intense and nerdy it’s really amusing. Two of them are from Hong Kong so it has been fun bonding with them over the shared Asian experience and knowledge. They’re both called Julian too haha. Anyway I’m kind of more or less friends with the Julian who does all the cooking - he really likes cooking and takes it super seriously (like spends 3 hours on average just cooking dinner - who has time for that in university??). He’s really intense in that he’s really talkative and insists on being the host etc etc. So Stan and I usually just idly stand in the kitchen and watch him cook. It’s even gotten to the point where we chill in his room and Julian comes up with the food to us? IDK that’s why it feels super weird because at first, Julian offered food to me because he overcooked and had too big of a portion but subsequently, it has become a Thing and there is a FB chat and now he goes out and buys ingredients knowing that he’s cooking for 3-4 people, instead of just for himself and his roommate (the other Julian). Yeah anyway that’s why I’ve been feeling pretty weird over it because there’s this guy (who has a girlfriend btw) who has just been cooking a lot for Stan and I (like proper dishes e.g. salmon and fried rice one day, Thai green curry another day, French onion soup + various meat, Vietnamese Pho etc etc) and he does it all by himself and we don’t pay anything??? I have TRIED but the Asian culture in him insists that he plays host but now it’s becoming so regular gah. Anyway at the end of the day, I have really appreciated all the food and the conversations (I guess??) and I think it probably won’t continue into the Spring Semester (Semester 2) so that’s okay. On a separate note, I’ve also had my Italian friend Stefano come over to my flat and cook pasta for Clemmie, Stan, myself and him too! So that was really nice hahaha.
A rough and quick overview of my friendships (very few in nature): From my course, I’m hanging out with Stan and Clemmie pretty much everyday. Stefano hangs out with us too, but he sometimes goes to the library to study while we just eat (lol) and he doesn’t stay on campus too so he heads back after classes end, while the three of us chill and have drinks regularly at the end of every week (well I don’t drink but I watch the other two lol). We also have a friend called James who is very nice but we haven’t really gotten very close to him unfortunately. I try but he’s a pretty private guy. And he also went back home two weeks before university ended because he’s been ill :/ But I hope the friendship will grow somehow! I think you would like him - and all of them for that matter. So that’s generally a clique of sorts - although I’m definitely not as close to James and Stefano as I am with Clemmie and Stan. From my flat, I am closer to three other girls: Christianna (the Greek girl), Ellen and Katie. I’ll be living with the three of them next year. I feel a bit conflicted about it from time to time: they’re nice people but I sway on how close I feel with them hahaha. In any case, what I do appreciate the most about them is that they’re not from my course and I don’t see them everyday as I do with Clemmie and Stan: so it’s always nice to hang out with different people hahaha. Christianna and I are pretty close in the flat, we chill in each other’s rooms often and she’s a nice girl ◡̈ My third and last group of friends comes from CU - and there’s a range of people there. In terms of seniors, I’m closest to two of my leaders (they’re in Year 2): Cat and Sarah. From my batch, Jill and I attend CU together often and I bond a lot with some of the guys. The friend I have been taking walks with (well it’s just been 2 lol but they’re insanely long and I try not to cry - like 2-3 hours long eh) is called David and he’s from CU. So yep ◡̈ I don’t have many friends tbh - definitely not as diverse and rooted as the ones back in Singapore, but I suppose it’s only been 10 weeks and I imagine a lot of things will change come Semester 2 and 3.
Academically, things have been going alright. It’s one of the few things that I’m honestly quite okay with. Nothing has overwhelmed me to the point of tears and I think you have been undergoing more stress with Finals at NUS. The month of deadlines for me where I had essays due at the end of every week was pretty hellish (like staying in the library/some study space till 3am every night before hauling myself back to the flat) but I think it helped knowing that it would be over at some point and each week, I had to focus on the next essay (or two) that was due the following week. Lectures have been interesting, I like my modules. Seminars are decent for some modules: it depends on the Seminar Tutor. But across the board, my seminar tutors have said I’m doing decently (well the standard isn’t very high to begin with :< people are so noobs sometimes honestly) and my results from the formative essays that I’ve submitted are pretty okay. I am definitely not at the 10/10 stage and I haven’t studied since the last essay was due 3 weeks ago so I suppose that wasn’t the wisest choice haha but I’ll try my best in December. I have four graded essays due in the first week of January and they account for 40% of my grade for each module (the other 60% being a PPA in May etc). So I Better Not Screw Up. I’m determined to attain the highest band possible I HOPE - I just need to guai guai go to the library often, read a lotttttt and write hopefully an outstanding essay haish. I’m in pain just thinking about it tbh.
(Wow I’ve just noticed the word count for this post so far - I’m typing it out in Pages while in the air haish 1850 words so far; IDK if you’re dying of boredom, if so I am a sorry bean.)
So moving onto Spain…hahahaha. Spain was only 3-4 days. I only told my parents on the night I was leaving (well done Faith). I kept on procrastinating on calling them and telling them about it (I couldn’t gauge if they would be okay with it). In any case, they were super chill with it and were just like lol okay bye. I don’t really understand my parents sometimes - I suspect you don’t either - but I guess that’s Parenthood in general that we are both bemused by. Travelling-wise, we took a train from York train station to Manchester Airport, where we had a flight from there to Barcelona. We stayed in a really lovely Airbnb. We only rented a room (super budget trip) so Clemmie and I slept on the masterbed while Stan had a single bed beside us. It was a very enjoyable and memorable trip overall - definitely the culmination of spending almost everyday together for the past 9 weeks and capping it off by spending 3-4 days in each other’s constance presence overseas. Ded. But it worked out so that’s good. On the first day, we arrived in Spain in the morning around 9am iirc and we went straight out after dropping our things at the flat. Barcelona is an incredibly beautiful city - please take a look at the photos. The architecture is very classically European, the streets are broad and wide with fancy shops at the side and the number of cafes and bistros is beautiful. The bakeries, too, are absolutely to die for and I almost did. I was trying to keep the budget as low as possible so I didn’t buy anything except food to eat and sustain myself. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but Stan grew up in Spain (he spent a solid 7-8 years there during late primary and secondary school I think - right up till A Levels) so he is fluent in Spanish and was effectively responsible for navigating us around the city and translating everything for Clemmie and I. My friends are insanely bilingual btw - it’s not fair. Clemmie is fluent in German, and is learning other European languages. Stan speaks Spanish, and is learning French. Like wtf Faith you only speak English and you fail at that sometimes. (Interesting detour - while at York/Barcelona. Faith conducted some conversations in Chinese - it’s the strangest experience ever! Honing Chinese in an overseas country.) Anyway, on the second day, we took a bus to the peak of the city where we spent 2-3 hours just chilling and admiring the view. It was honestly such a relaxing experience, I enjoyed it a great deal. It’s also where my new FB DP is from: Clemmie took the picture and I liked it. On the third day, we went to a beach and we walked around the town etc. We were travelling back to York in the same night so the day was long. I think Spain, in all, was a meaningful experience: I enjoyed learning about another country’s culture, it was a very timely break from York and I think the three of us are closer because of it.
So one thing that occured because of Spain is that Stan and I bonded over certain sentimental and nostalgic feelings over living in two countries and identifying with different cultures and identities. I mean, on some level, I think I have dealt with it better (in terms of the emotional stage that I’m at now) because I’ve thought about Ireland, China and Singapore a lot and it’s become part of my identity etc etc. Moving to York has definitely made things hard and I need time to dwell on that later too. But I have internalised things I think and reflected on things. Stan, on the other hand, can apparently go for months without thinking of Spain so going to Spain brought up some memories haiya. Boys and their inability to connect with their emotions properly and healthily. Not that we are great at it either but we try. Idk. Do we even? Maybe not lol.
Haiya. To be completely honest, I feel stupidly conflicted about that one. At the most fundamental level of my heart, I am happy I have a friend who I can hang out with and spend a lot of time with comfortably. It’s just because it’s a Boy that causes the heart confusion. I mean - it’s a good thing we both don’t swing the other way as surely then we would have been confused at some point with this friendship too right?? lol. But yep because it’s a boy and also a non-Christian boy so I just feel so incredibly stupid for spending so much time with him and effectively putting myself in this position. The line between Platonic and Not Platonic is so fine, I really want to be careful here. Like honestly Puffles on some level I deserve some award for not crossing it by this point it’s ridiculous. We have meals together everyday, hang out pretty much everyday unless we decide not to, weekends are with him, the past 3 weeks has seen us chilling in bed together watching TV shows and Youtube or whatever. The number of times I have gone to his room or him to mine and then at 4am physically force myself to leave and walk back to my room out of sheer self-discipline is insane. Like I deserve some award for not allowing myself to fall asleep in the same bed at 4am often right :( He has offered so many times and each time I say no because I want to be a Guai kid and I know sleeping in the same bed will SURELY make things harder and the line finer. But haiya it’s ridiculous. I think it also surprised me how sad it was to say bye to each other before I left for Singapore?? Like he came over to my place and we just talked in bed and stuffs :< Hence the sentimental crap and rant I sent to you at some 2am hour after he left. I don’t know Argh I’m determined to keep things Platonic but I think it’s just at a stage where it’s really hard to ascertain this. And I also know that part of my heart is also like hurhur maybe things don’t have to be platonic but the other 80% of me knows it won’t end well and it’s not the right decision so huzzah Faith must remain steadfast. Besides, I think December will most definitely help - you are right in this and I will believe in that.
But I feel so stupid nonetheless for being in a position where feelings are vulnerable. :( It’s damn stupid, I tell you. I think the crucial issue here is that things have happened and things have been said that make it very hard for the friendship to be intrinsically and wholly platonic, you know? It can still be and it still is, most definitely. But I hope December affirms that I guess?? I DON’T KNOW ARGH ok no, I do - I do :(
What even is the point to life haish
I am such a pathetic bean and ball of emotions right now I think. Need to think straight again.
He said that coming to know me has been the single most worthwhile thing he did this term :( is that good friendship or what
Aiya fuck it forget it December will help and next year things will be platonic and good and chill again. It’s just sentimental crap right now.
Okay moving on.
ONTO OUR FRIENDSHIP.
I know you’ve been super stressed with Finals the past 3 weeks but you are almost done friend - very very almost done and by the time you read this, you WILL be done so that is the best news ever. I am also excited to be spending almost everyday with you this December. You have been desperately missed and cherished - my friends here know of my best friend back in Singapore whom I call at random hours and walk away from them to talk to her. I do know for a fact that if you were in York, things would be 10 times more fun and heartwarming, less worrying and stressful and we would be hanging out everyday. Sometimes when I’m walking from one place to another, I’m thinking of you and how fun it would be if you were right there next to me. You remain to be my best friend and my closest friend. I am glad these 3 months have come to an end so that we can chill and catch up in each other’s presence. I will definitely update Tumblr more often in January and so on. And I hope we can properly video call more often. All that aside though, my sentiments and words haven’t changed despite the distance. You are Puffles and I am Quaffles, and I thank God that we are in each other’s lives to cheer each other on right next to each other, even if we’re physically apart.
Family and Jarred-Related things have been tough, no doubt. I sometimes want to kill him, hindered only by the fact that I am physically not there and the law would not perhaps not be on my side. I can’t believe it’s already December 2017 - it’s been one strange and long year? Remember Raffles Medical lol? And Clinton Street and Alfred and all the random things we have embarked on this year. (hahaha the colouring book - we must.) And you moved away from home the first time this year: your own space and everything. And I moved abroad. Sighs.
I hope we’ll have time this December to reflect on things. I think we really really need to. Dude, I’m so ready to just lock myself in a room and watch Modern Family and cry and think about life. Yes???
Faith is in a desperate need for catharsis right now. I think that’s what I need.
Okay well, this has been an extremely long post. I hope it makes up for the lack of a post in the month of November. Again, I’m really sorry it has taken a long time for me to reflect and post. I’m sorry too if this has been incredibly boring/difficult to read. I hope you read it in parts.
I miss you friend and I’m really looking forward to meeting you soon. Let’s sort out our plans for December yeah?
I love you Puffles <3 And see you soon (finally!) <3
With all my heart,
Quaffles
