Quantum Leap.
Do you remember that show from the late 80's, Quantum Leap, where Dr. Beckett "jumps" through time into different people throughout different timelines? It's a cool show. I never truly understood the concepts of quantum physics until I saw the movie, "What the bleep do we know?" from 2004.
It completely blew my mind that we could have all the infinite possibilities of the entire Universal realm playing out simultaneously. That we only experience the exact one we focus our attention on, but that it could change at any moment depending on our choices and our focus, is phenomenal.
This is happening in my life right now.
I can actually tell you the exact moment of the "leap." It was right before I reserved my apartment. I remember telling my husband that I thought it was funny that they approved my application for the apartment the day after we decided I would stay in Newport and soundproof one of the rooms for me to work. All he heard me say was that the apartment was available. He looked at me with (too much) great joy, and exclaimed, "Great! When are you moving?!" I said that he knew I couldn't afford the rent on my current salary, and he told me that he would pay for it.
It was right then. In that moment, I knew whatever I decided would change the course of my life and my relationship. I felt something shift in me as I said, "I'll call them tomorrow to figure out when I can move in." Funny thing about those decisions is that for a while people hang on to everything they were told would come to be; that it's temporary, for the best, we'll figure it out, we'll go back and forth between the house and the apartment, we'll take turns spending the weekend. I hung on for dear life, until the peace of living alone started to shine brightly in my soul.
I leaped into a whole new, unexpected timeline.
It's the healing version of me, who knows how to have healthy relationships and set realistic boundaries about my own behaviors without telling others how they can and cannot behave.
It's the one where I can have courage to hold an abuser accountable, ask forgiveness for my part of staying silent and allowing others to be harmed, not care for the answer but instead block his access to me, and still walk away with peace in my heart and forgiveness for myself.
I leaped into peace and calm.
I know how to care for myself; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I'd been doing it all along but allowed myself to be convinced that I wasn't capable or allowed others to perceive that my now ex-husband was taking care of me when he wasn't and hasn't for years. I leaped into myself and the timeline filled with adventures and travels. Happiness and joy; filled with honoring my failed marriage for everything it taught me, as well as celebrating my ex-husband and maintaining the healthiest parts of our relationship as companions (from a distance), who will still travel together and be there for one another as we've been doing since the divorce was decided- mutually.
My quantum leap out of victimhood and self-gaslighting into confidence and independence is remarkable to experience. Since January 1st, the day of the divorce decision, I've booked eight trips (utilizing resources, accepting generous gifts, and navigating point systems), set myself up to become debt free, reconnected with people I admire, set boundaries with others, allowed flow into my life; I've been accepted into Jesuit Honor Society, been accepted to speak at a leadership symposium, been promoted at one of the colleges where I teach, and been accepted into a Gonzaga leadership course in the summer to hike the Santiago portion of de Camino in Spain!
Simultaneously, I'm witnessing the disconnection of my dearest friends, with whom I thought I would be able to celebrate all these things, and allowing those relationships to shift. Instead, they're simply living their own lives, and I no longer fit into it. In fact, as I reflect on my life these past two transitionary years living at the coast, I realized they had disconnected long ago but still picked up the phone for my next inevitable crisis. Six months ago, I started only calling when things were good and tried my best to focus on them. I just think my efforts were too late for the damage I'd caused by my inability to regulate myself. It's with great awareness that I grieve the loss of all things I thought would be in this new paradigm. I know that each loss is the Universe creating a void for the next evolution of my life. I've known it all along.
Still.
There are moments when I experience much grief and longing for those who aren't with me. I miss my youngest daughter. It's been four years since she went no contact. I miss my niece. It's been seven years since she went no contact. I miss my sister. It's been nearly five years since she went no contact, and two years since she stopped in person contact but will reply to my messages. I miss my mom, who died nearly 14 years ago. I miss my grandma, who died just a few months ago. I miss family. I miss the people who loved me all those years ago but couldn't stay by my side through my transformations because they were busy with their own.
And, it's okay.
Sometimes, though, the grief pulls at me hard, and I cry until there's no more energy to feel the pain that courses through my soul. It's only in those moments I remember that I absolutely know my purpose is to heal and be a light to other women to heal. So, I feel my pain and get back to the hard stuff; work, learning, living.
I'm so grateful to be alive and to still be in awe and wonder.
Believe in magical things! Believe in miracles! Believe in quantum leaps! Believe in yourself!
Faith is simply knowing it gets better without knowing how, and honoring that it's all temporary for now. Shine on,
Tammy
