You ever just really have an amazing weekend but get so depressed on Sunday for no reason? Long story short I went to an amazing conference for my school and it was great! I made new friends and saw lovely acts and events to try to book for my college. However, I will say I did almost cry at a tarot reading I got. Long story short I pulled the initiate card. The lovely woman who did my reading told me to do things my way, that people have a distinct view of who I am and I want to challenge that but I am scared. And I know, I know, tarot readings tell you general statements that anyone can relate to, but I related so hard in that moment and almost cried. I immediately recognized the fear she was talking about to be my sexuality. Most people I talk to sees me as just a lesbian, that I only like girls. I came into college dating a girl and being a loud advocate of LGBT life and students. Truth is, I don’t identify as lesbian. I identify as queer. I’ll like who I like, love who I love. And men have been a part of that in the past. But I think some toxic people I’ve met along the way had me repress that. I don’t know why I’m scared to tell people I like men too, that having sex with a man is fine with me. I went to a really progressive high school so I was lucky in the fact that I wasn’t looked down on for liking women, but people still didn’t like the fact that I like being ambiguous. That I like not boxing myself in. I remember an ex friend sending me a list of labels and making me choose, but none of them felt right. I went with dimisexual panromantic, bisexual, pansexual, even lesbian but I felt empty each time. “Why can’t you just stick to one and be happy?!” They would ask me. I kept changing labels because I hated them. I understand that some people like those words, they can identify with that. Be validated of who they are. But as a person who likes having options open, who doesn’t like to be tied down, I despised them. I never exactly fit and I felt wrong and dirty for it. I was lying to that community. I never found the part of the puzzle my piece belonged to. Years later I understood it’s because my piece is for a different box. I found the word and label of queer, which is to say I can move around as much as I like in it. I can grow with it, change my mind, change my outlook. It is meant to have the wiggle room I can have without being a concrete life sentence and label to me. And I want to become more brave and come out as this new person. I want my friends and the world to know that I don’t have to fit into an expression. That I want them to truly understand what’s going on with me. That HECK, I want to try dating around without feeling GUILTY about it. It feels so good to even write about this I’m in tears. Happy tears that I can express what I was feeling and been down about for months. This has been keeping me back from opportunities and my work so I retract that first statement. This Sunday night is going to end in strength rather than pity. So with my newfound bravery; reader, what are you going to be brave about this year?