I'm guessing most of y'all are excited about the whole Good Mythical Evening livestream, with R&L and the crew going uncensored and live, saying whatever they want & touching on more risqué topics.
But I just can't bring myself to watch that without triggering my trauma.
I'm used to the clean R&L & GMM, and used to watching their episodes for comfort from what went on in my first workplace where the traumatic event started. They didn't heal me fully but at least they helped soothe my anger gradually. Yes I'm aware of GMM's shift into making subtle sexual undertones but I still can't bring myself to watch them saying curse words or being lewd, else it'll sent me to a violent rage & I'd swear up a storm at them, hurl insults and having raging murderous thoughts of them.
Y'see, it all started with my first real job at [REDACTED]. The cause of this problem is pretty stupid & mundane, but it lasted until now, after years of leaving the company I first worked in, and it persisted even with new surroundings in the company I worked with.
First off I was the only female & fresh graduate in my division. It's a small company. I've got 2-3 other men working and they're all dads. They present themselves as righteous, religious family men & maintain a friendly casual connection with my religious parents. But they'd destress by playing online games and when they play, they'd turn 180° from their religious good guys facade into ABSOLUTE DICKS with their cussing & racist & sexist remarks. It feels terribly off & it scared & angered me & I never wanted to witness this again. It's repetitive enough to traumatize me. Not to mention these assholes would cut off the wifi to play their game, which meant cutting my connection with my online friends (cuz I had no friends IRL then), isolating me even further & worsening my work days.
So there I was, stuck all alone in a room with no one to talk to while having to hear these cocksuckers screaming & yelling & acting like they shouldn't be. THIS is one of the main reasons why I started talking to myself louder. To DROWN THEIR NOISES.
Btw the game they were playing was League of Legends. There's nothing wrong with the game but for a long while these guys ruined the game for me. Luckily I found my love for LoL again through K/DA and Arcane, despite never playing the game. It's never the game. it's these mofos.
One time I got pissed and acted exactly like them, being generally angry, yelling & spewing the same hateful stuff they did when they were playing, but y’know what? They told me to shut up & thought I was "possessed" cuz they were doing fucking WORK (and I was taking a break). They have the GODDAMN NERVE to gang up on me telling me I need to "repent" and chant the Istighfar a couple of times so I won't be disturbed.
BITCH WHAT.
It wasn't the "demons" or "evil spirits" disturbing me, IT WAS YOU DICKHEADS AND YOUR TWO-FACEDNESS. I was alone. I was visibly frustrated, hyperventilating. I was crying. I felt overpowered. This is what a MENTAL BREAKDOWN looks like.
This is ANXIETY.
NOT DEMON POSSESSION YOU DIPSHITS.
Don't these guys see the irony of telling someone else to repent, pray & say the istighfar when their hypocritical selves are yelling curse words spewing racist & sexist bullshit at the same time?
Anyway they acted nice whenever they’re in front of me, like occasionally giving me work guidances and buying drinks once or twice, but still, I’m always under the constant fear of them possibly acting up again. This is why I always put headphones on at work until now.
Even years later after I moved on to a new workplace, I’d still react the same way whenever a coworker accidentally swears, like I’d still insult them & swear at them the same way. And cry. A lot. From restraining from physically harming them cuz it was supposed to be a professional setting & I can’t punch anyone or stab them with a pen without the consequences of getting fired.
---
Anyways, update, I just realized that I'll get triggered with new people (who i hang out with) if they started cursing or saying things they shouldn’t. With IRL friends n internet friends, i'm used to them. Turns out the fear lies not so much with age. It's weird cuz I have an online friend whom I met up a few times irl, and she's around my age and we talked about subtle dirty stuff and violence & murder but if she ever so slightly drop an f-bomb in convos/tweets it'll make me want to bludgeon her face with a mallet while yelling all the profanities n insults at her telling her she's a waste of oxygen, etc. when the truth is I never meant all of that.
I don't wanna call someone "a waste of oxygen that doesn’t deserve to live".
No one deserves that. I hope those never comes outta my mouth. Especially not directed towards my friends, my family, people I care about. Which is why whenever I meet new people I always need to tell them to watch their language when they’re around me, cuz I don’t wanna unleash a mf-ing monster & physically hurt them.
And when it comes to Youtubers I'm somehow fine with people like Smosh, or the Try Guys (and other ex-Buzzfeed ppl) using profanity or dirty sexual jokes, but sadly not the people at Mythical (even though they technically own Smosh). It all lies in the introduction to me.
TL;DR I'm only fine with people swearing & making sex jokes when it comes to my friends, people close to my age, art school people, childless people & people that aren’t children. Other than those mentioned would result in me I getting triggered. I will get violent. I would cut a bitch. I hate how one measly traumatic event made me a hypocrite.
(internet people are alright, I’ll give y’all an excuse).
So yeah, I’ll just stick to the usual dose of GMM & GMMore. I feel bad cuz I can’t listen to Ear Biscuits anymore or enjoy exclusive content, but I’ll lurk on the internet for any mythical beasts to fill me in on EB updates.
As for those guys who used to work at the old production house, you’re part of the cause of the toxic environment and the lasting trauma I endured. You guys can gladly go fuck yourselves, unless y’all are still hiding behind that religious image that made you think masturbation is a sin.
((I had mistakenly thought to myself
HEY
Horror movies will keep me awake to work on extra projects~
Little did I know that I was far too right.
I wouldn't sleep.
ever.
I forget how time consuming scripting can be. :C
But I know if I can get it right its going to save me so much drawing time later as far as fixing things.
Anyway. Short explanation as to why I'm semi-nonexistent
But being on tumblr so much last round is what really killed my time management.
