Hey, everyone! Rabbit reached out to me and wanted to give this to you guys. They wish you all well and hope for the best.
And without further ado, the conclusion of...
It’s Hard
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Amazingly, things can, in fact, get better.
It takes time, and it takes patience, and when both run thin, it will take friends, but things can get better.
He doesn’t know what he did to deserve this, but...well, here he is.
As he stares into the sunrise, Edith in his arms which have long since fallen asleep, he’s not even sure he deserves a happy ending, but then, he tries to remind himself, maybe he does. Maybe he has done enough.
Maybe the growing was enough.
Life has changed him. He can’t ignore the fact that he’ll never go back to being who he was a few short years ago. There’s no way that is possible. He’s glad, and yet, in the same stroke, there is the haunting feeling.
Every time he has to call a parent, there’s an urge to scream. Every time he has to reprimand a crying child, or handle an irate teacher, there’s the urge to just pour out his rage onto the desk. There’s a lot of hate still left, and it burns. Even if it’s nowhere near as bad as it use to be, he swears he can still feel the smoke curling in his chest.
And then, there are still the grey days which come and go like spectors, dripping regret as they shake their chains and whisper he doesn’t deserve any of it.
Jasper admitted he went through the same thing, says New Jersey clung to his ribs until there wasn’t room for his lungs, and it was either die with the salt of the Ashbury in his mouth or get some therapy. Thankfully, Providence was kind, as in, Rhode island.
He will never forget how his brother looked when they finally sat down and talked, will never forget how he seemed equal parts anxious and relieved. When had they last been brothers? It had to have been decades ago. When they left Jasper’s living room, however, they were family again.
He’s proud of Jasper, and better yet, he’s not bitter.
He was so worried he would be bitter.
He can’t do what Jasper did, (his brother is a braver man), but every day he makes a point to be gentler, kinder. He makes a point to listen better, and to speak more honestly. When he holds someone else's hands in his, he reminds himself that they can be stripped away in an instant, so he holds a little tighter.
There are sticky notes on the refrigerator that remind him to do just that, in a handwriting that is almost his, but not quite. He appreciates them.
He didn’t use to care, but now, he knows. That’s the funny thing about knowing. Knowing is its own weight, and understanding is punishment enough.
Not a cruel punishment, but punishment.
Still, he learned, and he is still learning. That makes things a little better, doesn’t it?
She said it did. The boys said it did.
Even still, there are moments in time where he is sure this isn’t his life. He must have stolen it from someone else. There’s nothing he could have done to earn this. He wonders if he will wake up from this dream, wake up in his empty and cold office, and have to pretend like it doesn’t hurt to imagine what could have been.
Then, Edith will hold his hand, his kids will smile at him, and he’s prepared to fight tooth and nail to never let any of this go.
He looks down then, at her, her soft and sleeping face pressed against his chest, and his heart clenches.
Edit had said that on the days he didn’t believe in himself, he could believe in her, and she thought he was a good man.
He closed his eyes. A good man. Ha. Never was a title he’d pick for himself but...times change. Maybe he could still earn it. He felt he had a long way to go yet, but there was time.
And that was nice, wasn’t it? That there was still time? Time to maybe be the better person that she and the boys considered him to be. Maybe there was enough for him to work with. He certainly wanted to try.
It’s never going to not be hard, but now, and here, he smiled, now he understood why it was worth it.
Eventually, the sun rises once more, and the world vibrates in your arms. What a beautiful thought to have as he looked into the sun, Edith snoring gently on his chest. What a beautiful moment to be reminded that life can actually be good, and is good, and is going to stay good, even during the hard parts.
Because it’s never not going to be hard, but it will get better. It always does when you actually try.
And if this was what was on the line, he was never going to stop trying to be better.
