#rainyspace

[transparentvisionglitters]

On the one hand I'm like, bitch fuck the binary I'm just gonna be ME who cares about things like boy or girl I can be both and neither and anything else if I want to I'm glad if I confuse people

And on the other hand I'm like, longing to pass as male, wanting to be as masculine as possible, hating everything usually seen as female/feminine about me, being SO dysphoric

[transparentvisionglitters]

When you see your ex best friend's family (mum and little sisters/siblings) at the grocery/drugstore and she might be around too, so you pull your hat down into your face and check every aisle before walking through or past it:

Panic! At The Store

[transparentvisionglitters]

Me: *desperately wants to pass*

Also me: *wears clothes that accentuate my tiny arms*

[transparentvisionglitters]

I think I'm stuck in a really weird place.

I don't identify as a trans boy/ftm.

I also don't identify as nonbinary or genderqueer.

I would much rather be perceived as male than female, but if I can confuse people and make them wonder what the hell I am, that's the best thing.

If there are only two boxes, I would much rather tick the male one than female. But if there's a third one I'd gladly take that. But more gladly, I'd just not tick any box.

I know that technically, I don't have to identify with any label(s). I know that my name and pronouns should be enough. But still, I feel like I don't belong anywhere, like I don't have a community, like I'm just... weirdly floating here.

The problem is, I don't want to slap another label onto myself and then once again keep changing it because nothing really fits. And I know using multiple labels with different meanings at once is barely accepted, and I doubt that would feel right either.

Nothing feels right and I just wanna... idk. Can we not just abolish gender?

[transparentvisionglitters]

I think I might not miss you, but what I thought we had

[transparentvisionglitters]

Is it weird that I almost feel guilty because I'm currently doing relatively okay? Like, I'm not fucking devastated for some fucking reason (take both possible meanings of that), and of course now I feel guilty because others deserve this so much more and now I'm doubting if any of my struggles were real in the first place

[transparentvisionglitters]

All I want for christmas is you to be happy sometimes I think I'd inject you with serotonin if I could to make that happen because I really don't like it when you're unhappy and I want to make you happy

[transparentvisionglitters]

My social anxiety's been kinda wild lately. It swings between "you're shamelessly oversharing everything without a second thought" and "you're overthinking everything you say and ever said, everything you do and ever did, things you need to do to continue, and now you're even scared to leave your room", spiced up with "fuck you overshared, quick, say sorry and now overthink the consequences"