#raisedbyborderlines

[roarofmysilence]

I told my mom today that I don’t want anything more to do with her because she’s abusive. I don’t know what will happen now. She texted me to “be careful how far I take this” and I don’t know what that means. I’ve blocked her now. The last time I stopped talking to her 3 years ago, she had a bad “accident” where she broke her legs in multiple places and out of sympathy I broke NC. My ex-therapist thinks my mom caused the accident on purpose. I don’t really know.

I’m just exhausted. I’m 33 and I’ve spent all of my life that I can remember trying to make my mom happy, while she just shit on me constantly. I don’t want my son to know her at all, or to witness what she puts me through. I just wanted a mom. That’s all. I kept trying because I thought eventually I’ll make her happy and she’ll love me and start acting like a mother. But it was never enough and she only ever got worse. I already know I’m a better mom than she ever was.

[roarofmysilence]

Tomorrow I go see a OBGYN psychiatrist who specifically treats postpartum women. Gonna see if there are different or better meds I can be on.

Today I feel anxious but I know it’s because next week I have to spend extended time with my mom and it’s going to be difficult and unpleasant. My whole body feels hot when I think about it. Since I had River, I’ve been extra angry and impatient with her. She’s still a bad person and a bad mom, and big life changes always make this more apparent. Also she hates that she’s not getting all of my attention, so she’s been extra mean and extra needy. Just typical shit from her.

[roarofmysilence]

I’m having anxiety about a stupid thing. We decided to go on a 2 week road trip out west. I have the time off of work and we have begun booking places to stay. I am anxious to have to tell my mom. She will be upset that I’m going to be gone on her birthday. She will be upset that I’m taking time off of work to vacation with my husband rather than her. She will be upset that I’m focusing my attention on someone else. I’m so so excited for the trip but I’m just dreading telling her. It’ll just result in a guilt trip and passive aggressive comments.

I’m reminding myself that just because she was injured, and has a long recovery ahead of her, she’s still the same mom. This won’t change her personality and she’s still going to treat me in the same way.

[roarofmysilence]

If you’re wondering whether my sister just called me and then put my mom on the phone, why yes, yes she did. She did do that to me. Wow. My mom babbled for a few minutes and I responded in 1 word answers. Then she asked if we could talk again sometime and I said no. I have her number blocked for a reason.

[roarofmysilence]

I’m honestly relieved that Easter is basically cancelled. Due to my mom’s behavior at holidays, I really dislike all holidays—especially Easter. I have no fond memories, just yelling, fighting, my mom being mad. And this didn’t improve as I became an adult, either. Last year on Easter, my mom was mad and yelled. And that’s every holiday. So frankly I’m just glad I don’t have to see her, I don’t have to experienced the forced joy of Easter, and I don’t have to cower when something goes not perfectly to plan.

[roarofmysilence]

I’m about one argument away from uninviting my mom to the wedding. She was so shitty last night and has just been one big ball of whining negativity since I got engaged. I don’t want her there while we are setting up. I don’t want her involved in the decorating, because everything will be wrong according to her, and she is angry and jealous that I'm making my own decisions about things instead of just letting her plan it. She is such a horrible unhappy person and honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I hate her. I really do. And the more awful she is to me, the more I realize that she has no power over me. I don’t depend on her financially. I care less and less about her feelings every day. Her guilt trips don’t work anymore because I just don’t care what happens to her. I just need her to start one more argument and then that’s going to be it. She’s always been miserable and she’s always going to be miserable and I'm just over it. I’m getting MARRIED and she can’t be happy for me because she isn’t the center of attention in this situation. 

[roarofmysilence]

I have really been limiting contact with my mom since she reacted the way she did about my engagement. It hurt my feelings a lot and although I am used to her behavior by now, it still hurt that she couldn’t just be happy for me. So I have been hardly talking to her, because it’s just hard to hold a conversation. I’m pissed off at her. I don’t want to hear what she has to say about anything and I don’t want to talk to her. She has calmed down a lot about wedding stuff and hasn’t said anything mean lately but the stuff she did say was pretty awful and upsetting.

So now she’s realized that I'm really not interested in talking to her so she emails and just randomly calls to talk. It’s 10 am and I'm working and she just called and chatted for 15 minutes. I have a job and she thinks this is okay, just call and chat during the workday. If I don’t pick up, she says stuff like “where are you??? what are you doing??? I'm worried!” Like, I'm working. I have a job. It’s this thing where you show up every day and they pay you. She didn’t work for 25 years so she’s not familiar with the concept, I guess.

I should just tell her I'm upset with her and explain why but I don’t want to bc it will just be excuses and gaslighting from her, and it won’t fix or change anything bc she’s just the literal worst and I can't stand her. 

[roarofmysilence]

Oh my godddd I hate my mom...die already, am I right?