#ramble gramble

[survive-their-narcissism]

I wouldn’t make fun of or diminish in any way people with any kind of problems, but I am very very tempted to throw salt at every wound when it’s Theirs simply because fuck their mentality of “we are perfect and everybody else is inferior”

[survive-their-narcissism]

Sometimes I forget without forgiving.

Sometimes I forgive without forgetting.

But in your very special case I will open an exception!! You don’t deserve to be forgiven. But you deserve to be remembered.

[survive-their-narcissism]

So the lady from support center called me.

She apparently realized how Anchovy made the whole thing about herself and we barely got time to talk about what I need to do... but also we got what we needed, which was knowing for sure she isn’t against me leaving. Which means for now we won’t need to be dealing with her anymore.

I’ll have to meet her again to talk about stuff since stinky fish was too busy being self absorbed, but from now the lady says she gets to just walk me through the process without anyone else. Which is a great relief for me because I’ve been breaking down all day today from the mess that was yesterday.

It somehow was reassuring to know that she realized what Anchovy was doing and she’s not gonna try to keep her involved.

One step closer now...

[survive-their-narcissism]

So the meeting was a mess and I’m gonna need to rant about it.

I knew she took her husband to make a point of how he “can’t even work”. I knew she was going to make the thing all about herself.

I was right.

We talked about my issues for 15 minutes in which suddenly she seemed to not remember a single thing I have previously told her about it so most of that time was used explaining things she already Should know.

When she got to talk to the part where I can’t have a loan on my name (which was the most important part by the way) she suddenly got too tired of things not being about her and started talking about her own problems. To which nobody can really object because she’s clearly one step ahead of throwing a tantrum.

Support center lady had to leave the room during the conversation about four times to grab information to help her with HER issues.

Each time she left they’d angrily start complaining at me for being there. Claiming to “already have told me what she was saying”. Saying that “they offer solutions to all my problems and I ignore them but suddenly it’s Oh So Wonderful if a stranger tells me what to do”. As if they ever -offer- solutions and not just Impose some nonsense that they expect me to do right away like immigrating to the US in two months or doing some internet job on a broken computer. They don’t realize that, uh, the “stranger telling me what to do” is “telling me what to do” because I specifically went to their place and said “oh hey I need you to tell me what to do in order to achieve this and that” while when They do so it’s never because I asked it’s simply because they Think I should do something. Incredible also how that something is always beneficial to them specifically huh?

As soon as the lady comes back they’d just shut and act as if nothing happened but I’m gonna make a point of letting her know later today the reason why each time she got back I was feeling sicker... anyway

Anchovy starts whining about how nobody ever helps her and when lady offers the help of the facility (which is freaking Disability Support Center ffs) she starts whining that she will not only make it difficult to help her, she also won’t accept help unless it’s from the lady herself.

Which was the worst news of all because well, half of the reason why I hated my last doctor was SHE kept sabotaging me while I wasn’t there. Gods help me if I don’t think she won’t try doing the same here.

When her issues are finally solved, the lady tries to go back to mine but No. Anchovy is already leaving. Also it’s been longer than an hour at this point. It’s been a long, very frustrating 90 minutes. But it’s whatever for her. She simply goes “well my daughter is over 20 she should care about her problems on her own”. As if she didn’t just cry for an hour over being too pathetic to write her own papers.

The lady is forced to wrap it up right then, and says she will call me the next day and we can pick a time to go solve my issues then.

She tries being reassuring at me which was nice of her but then I’m left with them both on my own again.

Whining. They decide to go shopping like she didn’t just whine about how just leaving the house to go to the meeting was too much.

They go grocery shopping and buy very unnecessary things as if she didn’t just whine about having no money to buy food.

We finally arrive home and I need to eat and go to sleep but apparently her need to never shut the fuck up is a much bigger issue....

[survive-their-narcissism]

I wonder if she understands that the fact that she’s waiting until I find a home out there doesn’t erase the fact that she’s kicking me out

[survive-their-narcissism]

I’d just like to give a heads up to my sweet followers, but I haven’t been able to properly sleep in over a week so if I seem absent it’s because I’m very tired...

I should be getting new meds on Tuesday so I’m hoping that will help... -sighs-

Thank you all for your support!

[starjeweled-alpenglow]

Lately I've been trying to build a reputation on my witchy blog @crypticcartomancer by offering free tarot readings.

I am hoping to eventually be able to be a professional cartomancer to help provide for myself since I can't really work a regular job, so I'm trying to get as much practice as I can!

My blog has become a long long feed of free readings for people who are mostly anons though and I don't know how others see it but it doesn't look exactly like a very appealing blog to me.

I want to offer more content. CREATE more content.

Have different interactions than just a constant feed of readings, maybe?

I don't know.

I have been getting requests regularly and that is really really nice, and I am grateful, but I feel like I need more if I wanna be able to attract more people.

Does anyone have any suggestion for what I could be doing better?

Anyway what I really wanted to say today was how I've been doing pretty badly. The staff on my facility are becoming increasingly insistent that I need to attend their daily program, while the doctor keeps telling me to avoid it because it's the very thing that has been causing me stress.

I was called yesterday to go to the meeting they do by the end of the day so I could write my paper to check in so they know I'm doing an effort.

I went out but I didn't want to get inside the meeting room because I end up overwhelming and crying whenever I get in there. But staff insisted that I should go in anyway so I "could start getting used to it again". So I went in. And I cried. And staff came to me like "what's wrong? Why are you crying?" and "you can always come talk to staff if you need" but...

How do I even trust staff at this point? They're not respecting me and my needs. They're the ones making things more difficult for me...

So today I decided to put a note on my door saying I will be resting today because I'm not feeling well.

And now I'm terrified.

I feel like I'm not allowed to be doing anything but stay in bed feeling awful, cause I've been told before that "well, it's not like you're feeling awful all day every single day and if you find even a moment when you're not feeling as bad you should show up to program".

As if I'm not allowed to have a break from feeling awful.

And now, back to what I was talking in the beginning of this post, I wanna work hard on my witchy blog and tarot readings and I do have some to do but I am petrified in bed typing this because it feels like if I set up to work on that, I'll be lying about not feeling well, and they'll find out and lecture me again on how I should be working harder to do what they want....

-sighs-

[survive-their-narcissism]

So tomorrow is the day when I meet the support center with her...

I am very very stressed about it