A/N: This was written for @webcricket’s SPN Advent Challenge Day 7 with the prompt, “Rock- paper-scissors. Kidnapping, show level violence and a TON of sass.
Also on AO3 (http://archiveofourown.org/works/13035990)
“We finally caught the Winchesters, Alan. Us. Two lower level demons. How awesome is that?!”
“I know, right? And they can’t even move. Completely tied to the chair with some of the strongest ropes imaginable.”
“Lucifer is going to reward us, Marvus.”
“He definitely is. I can see it now. We’ll be his two favorite demons. We’ll be revered. Demons will bow before us.”
“Yeah and they’ll think we’re clever, Alan. They won’t make fun of us anymore. We won’t have those…nicknames.”
“Oh, come on. If you’re going to drone on like this, please just kill us,” Dean said utterly frustrated with the situation. “These guys got the better of us? Wow! We should think about retiring,” Dean mused.
“Dean, you’re not helping,” Sam chimed in.
“Dean’s right, Marvus we gotta kill ‘em.”
“Okay, yeah and we shouldn’t dally. Someone might come to their rescue and all. Okay, so who kills who?”
“I wanna kill Dean,” Alan replied with a dark chuckle.
“That’s not fair!”
“Uh, yeah totally fair, Marvus. This plan was my idea after all.”
“No way. It was my idea to blindside them on a hunt.”
“Yeah, but I chose the specific hunt. Did I not, Marvus?”
Both demons let out loud groans and thought for a moment about how best to resolve the situation.
Meanwhile, Dean tried to get his pocket knife to cut through the rope. So far, it was going as slowly as possible because the rope was almost impossible to cut through. One glance at Sam’s frustrated face told Dean that his brother was in the same boat. Great.
“Oh, I have an idea. Rock-paper-scissors,” Alan suggested with a huge smile on his face.
Marvus gleefully nodded his head and they started the game. “Best of three.”
Alan agreed and started the first round. Alan was prone to picking rock and Marvus was prone to picking scissors. Round two they switched it up and Alan choose paper and Marvus choose rock. The third round, Alan choose scissors and Marvus choose paper. Mixing up their options still had Alan winning. Alan always won at games, he was wonderful at reading people and guessing what their answers would be.
Alan smiled triumphantly at Marvus. “Okay, I want Dean. Can’t wait. I get to kill the legendary Dean freakin’ Winchester. Oh my god. Such an important moment.”
Marvus groaned. “I’ll kill the giant,” he said in a forlorn voice, as if it were a punishment of some sort.
Alan closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of power he had over the hunters and thinking about the future he was going to have once he killed Dean. He was imagining accolades from demons in the form of pats on the back and lots of hand shakes. He’d be famous. He’d be on the wall as one of the most important demons.
Alan and Marvus were so caught up in the fact that they had captured the Winchesters that they weren’t really paying attention to their surroundings.
“So, how should I kill Dean? The death has to be special, right? We could play rock-paper-scissors for the death? I can see the gears turning. You have ideas about how to kill the Winchesters and you’ll be upset if it isn’t fair. I do the dirty work and you might be able to do the planning. Okay, let’s go.”
And just at that moment a knife went into Alan’s heart from behind. A bright light flashed in his eyes and a squelching sound could be heard before the demon’s body fell to the floor.
“Oh, sorry did I interrupt something? He was such an attention grabber, just kept talking, couldn’t make a good entrance. Thought hi just wouldn’t do, whaddya think? My entrance needs work?” you asked with a smirk.
Marvus gave you a confused and slightly fearful gaze before he came charging at you. You quickly grabbed a lamp from a nearby table and threw it at him, watching as it broke on his strong and muscular chest. Damn, this one was not going to go down easy unless you were quick. The lamp broke Marvus’s momentum a tad, enough for you to use all your strength to both stop his movements and thrust him away from you. He staggered on the uneven floorboards and fell down onto his back with a thud. You quickly jumped on top of him and shoved the knife into his heart.
When Marvus was killed and the crisis diverted, you slowly meandered over to the Winchesters, eying their small efforts to get out of the rope. It looked like they made hardly any progress.
“How long you two been at it?”
“A few minutes,” Dean said in an angry tone. You scoffed at his rather obvious lie.
“Taking your sweet time there with the rope, why? You boys wanted to stay for the monologues or the game of rock-paper-scissors?”
Dean gave you a death glare. “You gonna help us here?”
“Gosh golly that doesn’t sound like an apology. Here I am, the damsel in distress who can’t defend myself. I need a big strong man at my side, the kind of man that lets two idiotic demons best him on a hunt. That strong man. I’m incapable of helping you, Dean. I’m just not strong enough. I’ll break a nail”
“Now wait a minute. That’s not what I said.”
“Yeah, it totally is. Well, not the breaking my nail part but the rest of it, yep.”
You went over and cut Sam out of his confines but left Dean in his. You bent down, knife eye level with him. “You got scared ‘cause of that close call and you benched me or tried to, saying I couldn’t protect myself. Well, if I didn’t get out of the Bunker and save your ass, you’d be toast right about now. So, next time, don’t bench me ‘cause if you do, I’m not rescuing your ass again. Capesh?”
Dean groaned and nodded before mumbling, “Thank you.”
You would have wanted a more audible thank you but the important message got through his thick skull and that’s all you wanted. No need to belabor the point, you already won. You nodded and walked over to the Impala, standing by the passenger door.
“You really should let me drive Dean, you’re in no shape and you boys smell like a sewer.”
“It’s always a pleasure with you, Y/N.”
“Could say the same Dean-o. Gonna let me drive Baby?”
“I’m fine. I can do it.”
“God dammit Winchester, you are so freakin’ stubborn. If you drive us into a pole, I’m killing you.”
“I’ve driven in much worse condition like with a bullet wound in my stomach, just ask Sam. This is nothing.”
“I see. Well color me unconvinced. I’ll just sit right here in the passenger seat, just in case you freak out or have a seizure at the wheel.”
“It’s a small cut darlin’.”
“That small cut is still bleeding and has bled through your undershirt. Get the fuck in the car so I can patch you two idiots up. Don’t make me say it again boys!”
Dean had the good sense to get in the damn car and drive off. You honestly had no idea where these two would be without you. Another hunt, another day and this time Dean owed it all to you.
Summary: Constantine is about to be killed. Again. Instead of divine intervention for help he gets another idiot who doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing.
Author’s Note: Dubious quality. First encounter between John and Nous! One of the few times John only slightly mistrusts him like a mouse mistrusts a hungry snake.
Night. An excellent time for a jog. Or a run. Or a sprint.
John Constantine always found sprinting to be a good mode of transport. Especially when it was from a couple of pissed off demons. Said demons had been feeding on children, in more ways than one, so of course he couldn’t let them stick around. Although when he’d suggested they take this outside, this wasn’t exactly what he’d meant.
“CONSTANTINE!”
John stumbled as he slowed down, and then took off in a different direction through the gap between buildings. He jumped over a split bag of garbage, and then he stopped.
“Shit.” John cursed under his breath, looking up at the fence too tall and flat to climb. He looked around for another way out before turning around as thundering footsteps reached the entrance of his detour. The two demons pushed past each other as they both attempted to be the first to reach him.
“I’ll grind you into paste, Constantine.” The smaller one growled.
“I don’t suppose either of you two would be open to a rain check?” John suggested. Both of the demons snarled and charged. He was able to dodge the first but the second sent him flying into a wall, and he grimaced with a flat ‘ow’. The bigger one wrapped its hand around his throat, sneering as its claws dug into his skin and kept him pinned. The smaller one stood beside him, grinning, and Constantine went to say something perfectly mocking but all that came out was a wheeze. Both demons smiled wider.
“Excuse me? I don’t wish to intrude, but this seems to be quite one-sided.”
The demons looked around and John, unable to move his head, did the best he could. A man was standing there, looking like the sweet guy trying to break up a bar fight. He didn’t look at all unsettled by the two inhuman creatures that could rip him to shreds.
“Maybe you’d like to join him.” The smaller demon threatened, brandishing his claws as he took a step forward. The man looked up at him, putting his arms behind his back.
“It would certainly balance the odds, don’t you agree?”
John frowned in confusion at the deadman as the demon went for him. He ran out of the way and the demon’s head whipped around before he changed course. The bigger demon snarled and released Constantine to join his companion, and John sucked in air before turning towards the stranger. Cornered, the man looked at the demon, and John ran towards him. The man’s hand suddenly started glowing with a gold aura, and he aimed it towards the demon and fired. It made the demon stumble and gave him time to escape and reach John.
“My name is Nous.” He introduced himself, brushing his hair out of his face.
“Let’s skip the pleasantries mate.” John told him, focused on the demons. Nous nodded before turning around, and he fired another magical beam towards the bigger one. It seemed to absorb it without even blinking, and it turned looking angrier than before.
“Yep, already tried that.” John remarked, taking a step back, “That one seems to have protection.”
“Right.” Nous agreed. Both demons charged for them, and John and Nous both jumped out of the way. Nous put more power into attacking the smaller demon, and there was an audible sizzling of flesh as the demon leant against a wall to keep himself standing. Constantine quickly ran forward and muttered a spell as he pressed something into the demon’s forehead, and it jolted, spasmed, and collapsed. The bigger one roared at the loss of its counterpart and Nous spun around and stepped back. His hands glowed again as he frowned.
“That’s not going to work!” John repeated, and Nous glanced at him.
“You’re right.” He agreed, and started running. John stared in confusion and some shock. He’d certainly changed his mind quickly. Nous jumped onto the body of the fallen demon and turned towards the second, raising his hands. Doubt flickered across his features before it settled into a determined expression. The bigger demon growled again, trying to choose between its two targets.
“Epistrépste stin pediáda sas!” Nous shouted. A portal started to open behind the demon, small at first but quickly growing. It stumbled as it felt the first pull, and looked over its shoulder before quickly moving forwards. Someone whistled, and the demon looked down just as Constantine shoved it in. The demon snarled and roared and clawed at the ground as it sank into the depths of the portal like quicksand, and when it was finally gone Nous gestured and the portal closed again. John looked at the slightly energy-singed marks on the ground before turning towards Nous, but any questions he had vanished when energy crackled from Nous’s face and he clutched it. Nous fell to his knees, grimacing in pain as sparks continued to fly as if he were short-circuiting. John knelt beside him and saw that the symbol tattooed over his eye was glowing gold.
“The spells backfiring.” John told him, “The extra energy’s coming back to you. It hurts but trust me, it wasn’t anything big so it won’t last long.” Nous glanced at him before grimacing again, and slowly the gold did fade from the tattoo, just as John had said. Nous took a few slow, deep breaths before standing, and John did the same.
“Thank you.” Nous told him, and calmly brushed off his shirt, “Spells do tend to backfire from time to time, so it is nothing I am unused to. The pain however is not something I enjoy.”
“I’d probably be worried if you did.” John replied before shrugging, “Or maybe I wouldn’t. Depends on what you’re into.” Nous looked at John with a small frown.
“You’re referring to masochism, correct?”
“Yeah?” John told him slowly. This guy was starting to seem more like an A.I. than a person.
“I am no masochist.” Nous stated calmly.
“Could have fooled me.” John scoffed, “You walked right into a demon bloodbath.”
“And yet no blood is spilled. Did you think I would be unprepared?”
Constantine went to reply, but then stopped. Quite suddenly, he was getting a very off vibe from this guy. He wasn’t sure if it was the way he was looking at him, or something he felt he should be remembering, but something was just...wrong.
“Are you alright?” Nous questioned.
“What did you say your name was?” John asked quickly.
“Nous.”
John gave a small nod, still frowning, and then Nous turned his head slightly.
“I should leave.” Nous stated, “I am glad I was able to assist you. Perhaps now you could tell me your name.” Constantine glanced at Nous.
“John.”
“John.” Nous repeated, and gave a short nod, “Goodbye, John.”
“Bye.” John watched as Nous turned and walked away, completely calm as if he hadn’t just fought demons and opened a portal to hell.
He was definitely a weird guy. And John had met quite a few.
