There's a reason I don't change my name irl and it's because no one would care.
I dress as masculinely as I can, but I have some fucking limitations. I don't have the right jeans (I have wide leg ones, which is better than skinny obv but like it doesn't automatically scream masc ig) among other clothing items, I'm not allowed to get a binder (and a compression bra (whilst very helpful!) is NOT the same), and I can't get my hair cut bc I'm playing a girl in our one act and I feel like I just shouldn't do that in the middle of competition season, so it hangs at my shoulders.
So sure, I'm not the *most* masc person around, but I really can't change that any more than I already have. Even if I did, everyone would still see me as a girl.
Every day, I wake up and go to school, and the first thing that gets said to me more often than not is "morning ladies!" bc I walk into the school with my sister. I get misgendered by teachers all day, by my friends and classmates all day... I go to fucking rehearsal where I started off the show introducing myself with my pronouns and NOPE! Still a girl. Then I go home to my family who I have EXPLICITLY told that I'm genderqueer (to the point that I told my sister that I prefer he/him in a butch way over everything else) and guess what?
So it doesn't matter. I could change my name and my clothes and my hair all I want and I'd still be a girl to literally everyone around me. It makes me want to tear my skin off that that's all I'm good for. Never getting recognized as anything other than a girl makes me feel like all people see and will ever see are the boobs and the hips I just can't quite hide no matter how hard I try. Even if I could, everyone would know they were there. That's all that matters.
I hate it. I hate it so much.
Oh and btw if you know a masc cut of jeans that won't highlight feminine hips PLEASE lmk I need to get new ones 😭😭😭