June 6, 2026 | 10:43 PM
been nursing this feelings these past few months alr. but i have to let this out in the open. it's suffocating being trapped in this airtight space. dyk "kumunoy?" yup, feels like i'm slowly back again to the place i once fought so hard to break free. i don't like it. i don't like being here. it's too dark and too cold and my dark sirens are too noisy it hurts. hey, it's not 2020 anymore, please. :(
hypocrite me saying there’s no such thing as a "skip" in SB19/Pablo songs. yet my biggest skips are MAPA and Puyat. not bc i dislike them. they're just two songs that resonate w/ me so badly that listening to them feels like reopening wounds i haven't figured out yet how to heal (or maybe they won't and will never heal, i just got used to them???)
i can't even get through the intros of both songs w/o feeling sick to my stomach. when i say they hurt, they HURT to the bones. it cuts too deep that it needs stitches. & it's funny bc neither of the songs is against me. they're aksheli full of love (the kind of love poets will say from the bottom of their hearts) but heck, that's what makes them harder for me to listen to bc i was free-falling.
listening to them feels like a rope tightening against your throat, esp when you failed... as a daughter & an eldest sister. i know, i know i will get though this (lagi naman) but the fact na bumalik na naman ako sa pinakailaliman? fact sheet naman oh! ('di pa ba sapat na hanggang hukay ko dadalhin 'tong scar sa paa ko na nagpapaalala sa akin na minsan na rin akong naging walang kw3nta kasi wala akong maiaambag sa pamilya? apaka na lang talaga).
but yeah. maybe one day i'll be able to play them again without falling apart. not today, though.