A friend of mine who is going to college and hopes to have a career in the field of psychology says I dissociate (specifically, derealize) fairly often, and I often feel like a puppet who is aware that they are a puppet and is being controlled by something else.
I have a few different "moods" that might not be moods. Each one feels somewhat separate from the others, but still me. There's one that is "feral" and chaotic and loud. Another is quiet, appreciates order, and feels superior to all the students (I wanna call them disgusting freaks, but I know that's rude and they all have lives outside what I am presented with) that roam the halls of my highschool.
And I tend to argue with myself out loud. An argument between order and chaos. "You can't do that." "Aw why not?" "It's a stupid idea." "But it's fun." "NO."
Yesterday, my sister came in and told me that if I didn't eat a hot dog, I couldn't have s'mores. When I told her to leave, I sounded angry, but I didn't feel anything. It didn't really feel like me saying that. Me, but not me. It came out of my mouth. I was aware, but I don't know why I wanted her gone to badly and it felt like I wasn't quite in control when I said it.
What do you think of this? Am I a system?
Sorry this took a bit to get to!
Honestly all of this could be explained by other things--mood swings, having a hard time expressing yourself, etc... But it could also possibly point towards being a median system (somewhere between multiple and singlet) of some kind. I'm not sure I have enough context to tell you which is more likely, and I'm not in your head so I can't say what you are and aren't.
I think looking into those that are median's experiences might be beneficial, to see if it connects any dots for you! Good luck with questioning!
