Beautiful thin(g)
Summary: "Every day was much worse than previous one. Your days were a blend of counting burned calories, steps, food and daily weighting. You measured time in lost pounds and skipped meals. Food, even more the lack of it was the only thing you thought about."
Pairings: Dean!Father x Daughter!Reader, Sam!Uncle x Niece!Reader
Warnings: Eating disorders, Bullying
A/N: "This story is very personal to me as a person who struggled with eating disorder. I hope this will help some of you with coping or comfort you in some way, like it helped me"
"I've posted this fic on my previous account but it got deleted, i've also rewritten it so i hope you all enjoy"
Word count: 3200ish
You were never bigger than your peers, maybe not much... You never really cared about your weight and always felt good in your body. Being self-conscious and having low self-esteem was never a problem that you had.
Although you had to admit that lately, you've gained some weight. Because you've only been eating out for the last couple of months. Putting on a few pounds wasn't a big deal for you. Neither your dad nor uncle seemed to care about it. You've been going to the same school since you and your family have moved to the bunker. You've grown to like it and felt comfortable there, as much as a high school ever allows to be comfortable.
You and your best friend talked about having crushes on different people from your school but you never openly admitted to having one. But you did. It was a silly high school crush on a junior that you haven't even talked to in person. Ashton was a typical jock, with a perfect jawline, perfect hair, and a big reputation. You've never even bothered to talk to him because you knew he wouldn't be interested in someone who isn't the hottest member of the school dance team.
One day you were sitting on a bench in front of your classroom with a book "The basics of Latin". Uncle Sam told you that you had to learn the next chapter if you wanted to go out with your friends next weekend. You knew that he wasn't joking, so you took up the task immediately.
You were so caught up in the book you didn't even notice a boy standing in front of you.
"That's some cool stuff you're reading..." You heard a voice so deep that it almost made you shiver. You instantly raised your head while closing the book you were so intensely scanning just a few seconds ago. When yours and his eyes crossed, you could feel the red, hot blush creeping on your face. It was him. Ashton.
"You're Y/N right?..." He asked as you were still in shock, being too stunned to even speak. You quickly shook your head and smiled politely. Keep it together, it's Ashton, the Ashton... Y/B/F/N isn't going to believe this.
"Yeah... and you're Ashton right?" you tried to keep your voice from shaking, your leg started already bouncing up and down as you saw him observing your face.
He smiled giving you one of the more flirty expressions you've seen him using on countless beautiful girls in your school.
"Wow... I just... I've been seeing you in the school for a little while now and... just wanted to say how beautiful you are" Your heart dropped to your stomach, you didn't even know what to say, you honestly don't know how you managed to stand up and put your things away while he made his confession.
"I... I think you're really handsome too, I've been meaning to tell you for a while..." You said it louder than you meant to and blushed even more while moving a loose strand of hair from your face.
"Oh really?" He asked more playfully this time, if it weren't him you'd think twice before revealing this to him but... just looking into his eyes, his deep dark eyes...
"Yeah... I've had a crush on you since I came to this school" You smiled and looked away waiting for his reaction.
Him laughing into your face was the last thing that you were expecting. It wasn't a playful, sweet laugh, it was bitter and deep. Your eyes widened as you saw him holding up his phone and playing your conversation back.
He recorded it.
"Oh..." He smirked " I didn't think that it would take a minute to get a love confession, and with so many details..." He said it with such disgust it made you tear up... That bastard, why would he say such a thing?
You looked at him with pure hatred written on your face. He chuckled looking at your pursed lips and turned up the volume on his phone so that everyone in the hall could hear your words clearly. A group of school's team players standing a few feet away from you started laughing bitterly and looking you up and down. You felt like throwing up at that sight.
"Oh Y/N..." He said your name so repulsively, almost spitting it out "You thought that I, would be ever interested in someone like you?" You felt your lip starting to tremble "Oh don't cry... you don't want to look even more disgusting, do you? If that's even possible" You started packing your books into your bag not looking him in the eyes. You wanted to get out of that hallway, from staring standbys and Ashton, especially from him.
"If I was you, I'd worry more about losing some weight than reading ancient crap. It isn't going to create you a whole lotta personality fatty..." he added as he knocked the Latin book out of your hands.
You felt burning tears gathering up in your eyes. No, you couldn't cry here, you couldn't give him that satisfaction. You quickly took your things from the bench and ran to the bathroom.
A kind of shame, pure pain, and regret that you've never felt before filled your whole body. It felt as if you were watching everything from far away. Closing the school bathroom door, running into one of the stalls, and shutting it so hard it almost broke the frame. You didn't even feel the coldness of the floor as you stumbled on it, crying your eyes out.
It wasn't a small cry like the one you get from watching a sad movie but sobbing and choking on your tears, the ugly kind of crying. You didn't even realize when the bell rang, you could've been there ten minutes or an hour, you didn't know and didn't care.
The pain started turning into hatred, hatred into sadness and pain, and it turned into pure anger again and again. You didn't know what to feel. Your friend wasn't at school today, you were alone. You felt like if you would stay here you would throw all of your breakfast and lunch up.
You felt miserable, the kind of miserable that eats you out inside. You didn't know how to make it stop.
At some point you've calmed down a bit and as you fell silent the whole room did too. Class must have already started. Good. You weren't going to go to the class right now. You felt like you couldn't even get up, let alone walk into the classroom. Your whole face was swollen and you could barely breathe through your running nose.
You had to get home. Now.
You had to come up with some way to get back into your room, you had to get out of here. With every second you felt like it was starting to get more difficult to breathe.
The first and honestly the only thing that came to your mind and made sense: nurse. After washing up your face with cold water and blowing your nose, you carefully got to the nurse's office once you barely avoided every teacher who has been monitoring the hallways.
***
Not even half an hour later you were on your way home with Sam. You prayed that your dad's brother wouldn't bother to ask you what happened and how you got this awful stomach ache you told the nurse about.
You could barely resist crying, so you stared out the window trying to hold in tears, you could feel your nose starting to burn again.
You still couldn't understand why Ashton would say such a thing to anyone. You were fighting with your thoughts since you got into the car, you still haven't said a word to your uncle who was behind the steering wheel. 'He probably realized that I had a crush on him, or someone else did and he used me to show off. As another material for one of his stupid pranks.' you thought and breathed heavily.
"Soo... What happen?" Sam asked, interrupting the awkward silence between you. He could see that something had happened and it wasn't just sudden stomach pain and migraine the school reported to him.
You only shrugged your shoulders without even looking at him. You were too tired physically and mentally to come up with any excuses or to argue again as you did already this morning.
"Y/N... "He pressed, you just exhaled and rolled your eyes. Not now.
"Nothing ... can you just leave me alone?"
"Y/N/N tell me ..." He took his eyes off of the road and looked at you with concern.
"Where is Dad?" You asked him trying to drop the topic"Why did you pick me up?"
"He's still busy working on this vampire case, one of us had to stay doing the research" 'Of course, it's the hunt...' you thought. He always tends to put it before you... 'Maybe he was ashamed of me and wouldn't come for me?' an awful thought passed your mind. After all, he hardly ever comes to your school, and it's usually Sam who takes care of stuff like this.
"That busy?" You asked overwhelmed by all the thoughts of your dad. Him picking up the phone from your school and being annoyed, not concerned or confused, annoyed and tired. That image made your stomach shrink
"That busy."
***
After half an hour of awkward silence and concerned glances from your uncle. you finally got to the bunker. As you stepped through the door you grabbed your stomach to get some more dramatic effect on your appearance. Maybe if you looked physically miserable your dad wouldn't notice your bloodshot swollen eyes and hoarse voice.
"Dean, we're back!" Sam shouted as you started walking down the stairs. Instead of always running up and hugging your father, you rushed into your room without paying attention to your father or uncle.
Tears blurred most of your vision as you stormed through the bunker's halls. When you ran into your room, you slammed the heavy door behind you and lingered to your bed sobbing.
Your stomach turning and head pounding made you immediately lay down and weep more. Your thoughts ran from bad memories to even worse ones. Your mind was filled with a constant replay of the hallway incident. You felt like trash, even less than that. Your thoughts switched from reliving today's conversation to your mother. You blamed yourself. Every time you remembered it made you fall into that endless spiral of regret. Now you felt like you were the reason that she pulled the trigger that day.
You pressed a pillow to your mouth trying to suppress another sob that this memory brought, but you started to cry even more.
"You okay kiddo?" You heard your father's voice and immediately held your tears back. You pulled your nose and before you could answer your worried dad came into the room.
"Yeah, I'm fine..." You wiped tears from your cheeks and pulled up your legs, embracing them.
"You didn't come back home because of that stomach ace didn't ya?" Your father slowly sat down next to you and stroked you on the back "What happened?"
"It's about mom " You lied with such ease that you surprised even yourself. You missed her sometimes, it's true ... But it never hit you like Ashton's words today. You felt like now it was easier to talk about this than to open up to your dad about what happened today. "Is it my fault? " Saying what you've been thinking for years made you break down even more.
"Of Course, not Bug, why do you think that..." Your dad's voice broke down a bit as he pulled you in and stroked your head.
"I'm just... if I wasn't born... sh-she would be still with us wouldn't she?" You realized letting tears slide down your cheeks.
Because when so many people hate you, maybe the problem is you not them.
Maybe you weren't lying to him anymore but to yourself.
"Don't say that she did what she did... and I don't know why, but I'm sure, I know that she didn't do that because of you."
"You sure?" You pulled your nose and looked him in the eyes
"I'm sure"
You smiled faintly and he kissed you on the forehead.
"Take some rest... and maybe you can stay at home until you feel better... Okay?"
"Okay..." You said before Dean left the room and you exhaled with relief.
After a few minutes of lying on the bed and looking at the ceiling, you approached your large mirror, the one you got from your dad for your last birthday. Seeing yourself in the mirror felt strange, wrong and made you feel sick. Maybe Ashton was right...
"Am I really that ugly?" You asked your reflection and went back to bed to cry for the rest of the day.
***
The next day you didn't eat anything, you threw away all the food you got into the trash cleverly avoiding eating with your father and uncle. Mostly because you didn't feel like it but also because of that tiny voice in your head, replaying what Ashton said.
Fatty
You even went to the store and bought a bathroom scale and some weights and a mat. A few times you got dizzy but you thought it proved something.
You could do it.
You were strong.
You could prove that douchebag wrong.
Every day was much worse than the previous one. Your days were a blend of counting burned calories, steps, food, and daily weighing. You measured time in lost pounds and skipped meals. Food, even more, the lack of it was the only thing you thought about.
Every calorie you've consumed, every comment from Ashton's friend group, you've written it down in your journal. As a testimony of some sort. A proof, that you could do it.
After two weeks of your 'diet', the bullying from the jocks stopped, as they've forgotten about the whole situation. But it didn't make you feel any better. At some point even though you deserved all that treatment, cause it was your fault wasn't it?
You had dark circles under your eyes even though you slept nine hours a day, you were still tired. No matter how much black coffee you drank every time you worked out you nearly fainted after 15 minutes.
During three weeks you dropped almost 25 pounds, of which half of the energy and the other of happiness.
You knew that your father and uncle noticed your weight loss, you could see their worried looks and hear the comments. Everything in your closet was too big for you at that point, so you only wore sweatpants and hoodies, you also hoped it would hide the massive difference in your appearance somehow.
That morning you went to the kitchen to drink some water. Every step you took felt so unsure and out of place, your legs felt like jelly and you knew any false step would make you fall.
When you came to the kitchen you smelled bacon and eggs, you saw uncle Sam and your dad preparing breakfast.
You must have looked like a vampire they were hunting because when Sam turned to you, the smile on his face turned into a worried grim.
"You okay bug?" Your father asked and you nodded. "We need to talk to you," he added as he stirred the eggs after a moment of silence. You felt your stomach shrink.
"Yeah?" You said as you sat at the counter next to Sam.
"When was the last time you ate?" You felt the world spinning around you. Your father glanced at your trembling hands as if trying to prove a point.
"Yesterday? I ate dinner with you" You tried to sound normal, even though your heart pounded more and more quickly in your chest.
"No you didn't, tell me when was the last time that you ate something?" Your father pushed. He was being too specific, something was off, but you knew you just had to play it cool.
"I told-" you stopped when you saw your uncle holding your journal. You looked at your father again... he knew, he probably read everything. Things that have happened since you came back home crying ... your weight track, calorie intake... everything.
Shame hit you like a bullet, fear filled your chest and you felt like you had something stuck in your throat. You looked down and admitted.
"Five days ago" you mumbled
You didn't want to look them in the eyes. You were already imagining their disappointment, your dad's screams. What will they do? Will they force you to eat? You already felt sick even smelling that bacon.
"Y/N" You didn't want to lookup
"Y/N... baby" You couldn't look into your dad's eyes. A single tear rolled down your cheek as you raised your head still not looking at your father.
"I'm not mad" he said and you finally decided to look at him. His worried teary eyes and soft smile made you crumble.
You broke down completely as you felt your father embrace you, gently pulling you to his chest, allowing you to let it all out.
"I'm- I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" you cried into his torso.
You didn't even know what you were apologizing for. Lying? Hurting yourself? Distancing from your friends and family? You knew you owed an apology.
"Hey, baby look at me," He said as his voice broke down, you looked at him again, allowing yourself to take in all the pain, worry, and guilt in his eyes. You knew he blamed himself, as you did for mom. And that has hurt you the most.
"It's not your fault" You nodded as he kissed your head "Not mom, not school, not what's been happening, none of this is you hear me?" You tried to blink away the tears to see his face better. "Nothing that these insecure, selfish, stupid son of a bitch kids said is true, you hear me?"
You let out a sob and nodded again. The weight on your chest felt a little lighter when your dad held you in his arms.
" You're strong, intelligent, and beautiful, and don't even try to deny it, 'cause you're goddamn Y/N Winchester" You chuckled as he almost shouted your name, he made it sound so special, so right. You felt like it had some kind of worth first time in a while.
" I know it doesn't feel like it right now, and it might not for a while" You turned to your uncle as he placed his hand on your shoulder. "It will take time, but you'll learn to see yourself as we do, you'll learn to know your worth" He smiled gently and you exhaled letting your breath calm down.
"And we will take it to step by step" Your dad added "Me, you and Sam, one day at a time." You chuckled as your dad kissed your cheek.
The pressure that has built up for weeks in your body became less and less terrible with each embrace.
One day at a time.
Masterlist.
