Magic's Gone
╰ Itoshi Rin x gn!reader
you knew it wouldn't last long, you convinced yourself it was for the better. was it really for the better when it hurts so bad? was the feeling of fighting with him better than the feeling that he will never be in your arms again?
cw // angst ˏ toxic relationship (if you squint or if i portrayed it well) ˏ taken some inspo from taylor swift's song - “all too well” & “1 step forward, 3 steps back” by olivia rodrigo ˏ rin was a bit of a bitch ˏ implied 6 months relationship
you weakly called out towards him, darkness surrounded you as you watched your beloved walk away from you. you stood there, reaching out your hand desperately, “stay... please...” left your mouth yet your voice was drowned out into the endless void that clung to you like a vice.
then you woke up with a cold sweat, immediately shooting up as soon as your eyes opened up. you clutched your chest as if pained, yet the feeling inside seemed to hurt tenfold. you shifted to sit on the edge of your bed, a sigh escaping your lips whilst your hand ran through your hair. another nightmare. it has been constant nowadays. it wouldn't have mattered at all, you would've shrugged it off as your mind trying to trick you again. but no. this time it haunts your very being.
you and rin have never been that perfect couple that you constantly see in those movies, no, but you thought to yourself that nobody was perfect. “there should be at least some effort,” your friend said, yet you dismissed them, saying “he tries.” along the lines and whatnot. it wasn't like you didn't understand them, you saw their point, you knew your worth— does it matter still when it comes to him? it should've, yet you loved him. everyone saw that, in your eyes, actions, everything you've done for him.
but what happens if it starts eating you up? the never-ending thoughts that feed into your very fiber. your mind felt like a battlefield— the constant barrage of anxieties and doubts gnawed at you, leaving you exhausted and on edge. it was like a slow, agonizing poison, seeping into your soul, pushing you closer and closer to the brink. and so it does.
“what's wrong with you?”
crack
“stop being annoying.”
crack
“you're being upset over nothing.”
crack
“can't you shut up for once?”
crack
you stayed quiet after that, watching rin leave through the same door he'd come in with a flower (handpicked) in his hand because it reminded him of you, the same door where he came in with a tired expression on his face and he dropped everything in his hand and sat next to you. he always came home to you, despite the cold air of winter it felt warm once he comes home into your arms— winter seemed to be less cold then.
but after a while, it slowly felt more awkward and tense as day passed by. it wasn't long before you realized that the magic is long gone yet you stayed. through the lonely nights when you guys fought, it became frequent. and you knew this all too well. once this continues as it is, it'll all end.
and you're scared that it might actually be after this. you sit down on the couch, head in your hands as you let the tears slowly soak your hands. you sniffled quietly, feeling the sudden coldness of the winder all over again as you sat there all alone. back at the start. all the way back to zero.
the next day, you didn't see rin at all. morning came and you woke up and he wasn't there, so you assumed he went out earlier than his usual time. you went to school tired that day with teary-eyes, you broke down immediaetley once your friends asked you what was wrong. but you couldn't tell them about what happened, why you were crying. you knew what they'll say, and you knew that's what you're supposed to do. to confront him.
after class you waited for him back at his place, taking a deep breath as your hands trembled slightly. letting out a shaky breath whilst you try to collect your thoughts, thinking of the things you want to say to him. the door opened up with a soft click, and you glanced up and see him walk in. without a word he doesn't even spare a single glance at you, he just walks past the couch and just went to his room.
crack
you felt a pang, a hard pang to your chest as he just walked by. after minutes of collecting yourself after crying a bit, you stood up and walked to his door, knocking gently. the door soon opened up, and rin stood there with the same impassive expression on his face. “let's talk,” you said after a beat of silence. and to your surprise, he didn't shut the door in your face and actually sat down with you on the couch.
you let out a shaky breath, staring down at your hands, “rin. do you still love me?” you regretted asking that, silence filled the room and the tension even got thicker— it was suffocating, the same way the gnawing feeling in your heart that always haunts you every day. it hurts, hurts so bad. you never doubted yourself so much, were you the problem? were you not enough? you were confused and hurting at the same time. did he love you, want you, hate you, or needed you?
yet in a somewhat masochistic way, you still stayed and endured all the coldness you received. it's always back and forth, going over, over, and over again. he'd do something then become cold all over again and snap at you. you didn't understand anymore.
“let's just end this, rin,” you finally said, breaking the silence.
crack
you clutched the hem of your skirt, a tear slipping down your cheek. you furiously wiped it away and let out a dry chuckle, “you were the best, but you were the worst... i should hate you but i really can't.”
you hated it, the way he was so quiet even in this moment. you wanted him to say something, to talk, to actually try and fix everything with you, but no. you get silence all over again. again. and again. and again. always. you sniffled softly whilst nodding slowly. you stood up and cleared your throat, “it's all for the better anyways.” you said, though it was more for yourself than him.
“i hope you have a great future ahead, that you succeed in that dream of yours. i wish you all the best with everything you plan to do," you gulped, forcing down your tears, “i hope you don't forget to still eat on time and drink lots of water. don't overwork yourself too much and beat yourself over things that was out of your control. that's all.” you let out a chuckle, tears streaming down your face as you walked towards the door.
“the six months with you was fun, even though there were some downhill parts. it was still one of the best six months of my life... i love you, rin. good bye.”
alternate ending...
“the six months with you... taught me a lot of things and made me realize that i didn't deserve you. you loved me, and i loved... the idea of you loving me. and once i realized that, i distanced myself... i didn't want to hurt you further but i didn't want to let you go. out of guilt.”
rin clenched his fists, looking down at the floor as if it was the most interesting in the world. he didn't want to hurt you, but he knew it would've still ended the same way if this lasted longer. maybe it was all for the better to end this... yet why does it actually hurt now? the idea of losing you, the idea of not being able to come home into your arms again after a tiring day made his heart ache. nobody got him like you do, and losing you means losing the one real thing he'll ever know. it was lukewarm, he knew that. but this feelings, for the first time again, he indulged it and embraced it with open arms.
rin stood up and grabbed your wrist gently, “let's talk this out... don't... don't leave yet. please...”