#realphobias

[socialmasochist]

I was thinking last night about how much I miss going to see my parents. I lived in that house from 1996-2005, and I miss wandering around in the yard/parkland behind it. I miss the creek. I miss seeing the cats. I only kind of miss my old bedroom (I was a teenager in that room, there's some things that just don't need to be remembered). I thought today about how it's been a week since I left the house (unless taking a bag of used cat litter to the garbage can counts). Agoraphobia sucks. Sometimes I think I could make the hour & a half drive, but the prospect of not being able to get back home is terrifying. How much of my meds should I pack? Would I be able to get comfortable enough to calm myself and eventually drive back? Would the prospect of being stuck be that final breaking point I've strived so hard to avoid? It's not like this real, horrible phobia isn't based in reality. How many times have I been driving somewhere and suddenly been violently ill? How many times have I gotten to my destination only to be stuck in a bathroom (or worse: public restroom) for hours? How many times have I gone to see family only to find myself beyond the exhaustion point and falling asleep? How many times have I become so ill that I've had to sit on the sidewalk/dirt in public with people tripping over me and asking what drugs I'm on? The answer is: more times than I could even try to count. If I have missed your party, I am sorry. I miss you. All of you. If I have called/written to you to tell you I tried to make it out but couldn't, please understand what I'm up against. I thought about leaving the house today but I am exhausted. Two days of mixing and packing tea left me with angry lungs and ever-present migraine (all particulates are bad particulates, I will use a mask from now on). The upside is I'm finally watching Stranger Things. I even had a window open for a little while so I could free myself from stale house-air. Goblin is pretty much glued to me. It's not all bad. It's just rather disappointing and lonely sometimes. #agoraphobia #agoraphobic #realphobia #realphobias #phobiasarenotjokes #mentalillness #mentallyill #disabledisnotabadword

[socialmasochist]

Start Another Story. Short version: I have problems being in the car so I'm doing a selfie project to try to overcome the trauma. Long version: I have agoraphobia. I have always had agoraphobia, I just didn't know it because I thought it was the fear of wide open spaces (it's more complicated than that, and actually is more the fear of being trapped somewhere you can't get out of, like, say, traffic). Waiting in lines, getting stuck in traffic, being in music venues and movie theaters, these are all agoraphobia triggers for me. Lately the traffic thing has been worse than usual, thanks to another driver, uh, triggering my emetophobia (YAY, TWO PHOBIAS IN ONE!!!). I have a minor panic attack every time I'm stopped at a light. I immediately feel my stomach squeeze and I either want to rip all my skin off or jump out of the car. I guess it goes without saying that this response is not okay. I talked about it with my therapist and she said that people who have to face their trauma all the time (or 7 times on the way home from therapy, whatever) need to try to figure out how to start another story. Story: I went to therapy and back. It was raining lightly. I could see well because the storm wasn't dark. The worst thing that happened was I missed a green light twice because people ahead of me are confused about operating accelerator pedals. Each trip took about 10 minutes. I was listening to selections from Fight Like a Girl by Emilie Autumn, because "Start Another Story," duh. I seriously considered turning around and going home four times on my way there but convinced myself not to. Someone had the disabled spot again, but I parked across the street and I don't have to pay because of my disabled parking placard. I got a little wet in the rain, but I'm fine. #agoraphobia #scaredofdriving #panicattacks #anxietydisorders #realphobias #phobiasarenotfunny #phobiasarenotjokes #dealingwithtrauma #mentalhealthcare #startanotherstory