Brendan’s Testimony: I know this is long but please read!
Honestly I don’t even know where to begin. It’s not everyday that you can say your life has been completely transformed--and it seems as if a switch or something has been activated in your brain--and new opinions of life-altering situations start to be formed in front of your eyes; you’re equipped with the Armor of God to protect you and keep you away from the temptations of this wicked world. However, before I get too carried away let me introduce myself a little more thoroughly this time: my name is Brendan and I’m currently 19 years old. And yes, I did in fact live a gay lifestyle for... well, a long time. Even now I can honestly say that I believe I was born gay: I have memories of being maybe five years old and not necessarily looking at boys in a sexual manner but paying attention to them more in general. This curiosity only became stronger as I aged where I then became sexually attracted to boys and things were only able to go downhill from there, of course. And I’m ashamed to say it now but I hope to be reaching out to people still living in the lifestyle and I want you to understand how I previously felt about it: I absolutely loved it. I loved every part of it... I loved being able to observe the beautiful faces walking past me, admiring the toned bodies, all the--lets say “pleasures” that came along with it--were quite enjoyable as well. I cared about this part of my life so much that it became the center of my reality; the sole driving-force that motivated me to proceed in life was to satisfy my sexual desire and to lavish myself in sinful pleasures. What I previously thought was a fatal flaw of mine (which I now see as a blessing) has redeemed me and I will further explain that soon. Next I need to tell you about my very best friend. I’ve never been blessed with such an amazing friend before and its honestly the coolest thing ever. The Lord had our paths cross at my last place of employment, where we became friends and he started talking with me about Jesus. Now, I was raised in a Southern Baptist home and knew the name of Jesus, but because of the lifestyle I was living I had honestly chosen to abandon Him. See, when I was a freshman in high school I was finally put under the pressure of coming out. I was too caught up in the mental pleasures and the idea of what could be if I finally decided to accept my sexuality and act upon it. I remember walking on the football field’s track by myself in P.E. praying and praying begging God to accept me for who I was and let me live as I wanted. As time progressed and my feeling of acceptance still absent, I decided that I desired the joys of the sexuality far more and if God couldn’t accept me for who I was then I couldn’t accept Him for who He was... it pains me greatly to type those words and to know how low of a place I was at at the time. Thankfully, however, my friend began talking with me about Jesus and this rekindled my faith with Him. At this point I was still trying to live in the lifestyle but I was starting to feel a small amount of guilt. I began to notice that far too easily days and even weeks could slip by without me even thinking about the Lord, much less praying to Him or reading my daily devotional. Of course this aggravated me because I want to seek His face wholeheartedly, and make Him number one in my life. Then the Lord showed me this verse, which enabled this miraculous journey to begin once I followed what it said exactly:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12: 1-2.
After reading this verse I was finally able to hear God’s voice and and I knew that what he wanted was for me to give up the lifestyle. And I must say it was very refreshing to finally accept for myself that that’s what I wanted: I would no longer have to worry about the guilt of who I was. But making the decision to give it up was the easy part; actually turning away was a whole new story. This is where my “fatal flaw” comes into play. Of course at the time I was absolutely obsessed with any attractive male around my age. But for some strange reason I was so incredibly weak over straight boys. I fantasized about converting a straight boy so many times (and succeeded quite honestly) and the thought overwhelmed me. Well, eventually my best friend moved in with me where we continue to cut up and stay up until the crack of dawn regardless if I have school in the morning or if he has work at 7:45 AM. Of course my friend is straight but I had developed a crush on him after we began working with each other but, eventually, we moved in together and I fell so hard I didn’t know what to do with myself. He began to be everything I thought about: if I left the house I was constantly thinking about him until we got back home and I could see him again. Quite honestly it’s terrifying to write this all out because it would not be very cool if he found out... it’s not something he’s really comfortable with and we are still very very close and I don’t want to loose what I have with him. But anyway, of course he wants to do his own thing and look for girls of his own because he’s human and I would experience agonizing jealousy and sorrow and pain and pour out every bit of emotion I had bottled up inside me over him knowing that nothing would ever happen! I got myself stuck in quicksand neck deep and felt that I had no way out; it was absolutely miserable. But the Lord had been putting on my heart that he wanted me to work on giving it up, which was the only hope I had, so I decided to give it a try. I knew that, thankfully, I didn’t have to do it alone and, there’s honestly no way I could have done it alone.
Somewhat off-topic: it’s really cool to be telling this story here on tumblr because I use a picture of a drawing I found here on tumblr for an analogy when I explain this to my friends and there’s a good chance that a lot of you will be able to picture what I’m talking about. Anyway, the drawing was of this man and woman, and they were standing next to each other and it was obvious that they were in a relationship together because there were hundreds of tiny strings connecting the two of them together. But there was a deeper message behind the imagery of the strings: one persons side was completely covered by all the hundreds of strings connecting them to the other person; however, all the strings came together in a tiny cluster on the other person revealing that the person whose side was full of strings was much more invested in the relationship than the other. Even more powerful was the fact that the person whose side was full of strings was wielding scissors and cutting all the strings loose to free themselves from the unhealthy relationship. This is a perfect example to use because I visualize all the tiny little temptations and pleasures that lurk within a gay lifestyle as those hundreds of strings that were connected to my side. After I was finally able to accept what I needed to do, and asked the Lord to provide me with strength, He was able to help cut off 99% of the strings connected to my side but, one string remained and it held me back from being freed from the burden and being confident in my salvation. Of course that one string was the ridiculous love for my best friend that I just couldn’t and didn’t want to get over. But the Lord works in wonderfully mysterious ways and provides you with incredible strength that you had no clue you had, and he helped cut that last string right off for good. And now I’m confident to say that nothing is holding me back from the glories of God. Again, the reason why I say that falling in love with my best friend was my “fatal flaw” is because I thought it was a curse; but it was really a blessing. It was the Lords intention for me to fall in love with him all along. Because once I fell for him, I would be spending the time with him where he would encourage me and give me the strength to turn away from the lifestyle. Then, because he’s STRAIGHT, nothing could ever happen between us so I was never able to make a mistake with him. I was given time to accept it and overcome it without it backfiring and it was such a perfect plan and I’m so grateful!! Now I have a completely different opinion on the lifestyle as a whole, and all I want is to bring more people like myself to the Lord! Also, I want you to think about this: of course God created everything, including the devil and sin and hell and heaven and...everything! From the very beginning God declared that the wages of sin is death. No one is exempt from this rule. Every single person will meet face to face with God on their judgement day and be told whether they may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, or be punished for eternity. God sent his son Jesus here to earth, where He was a perfect and sinless child of God. But Jesus wanted us to be redeemed from our sins so he took the burden and punishment for us by being severely beaten within an inch of his life, forced to carry a 300 pound wooden cross miles away from where he had been beaten only to be nailed to the cross by his wrists and broken feet. Upon the cross he had to press against his broken feet in order to lift his chest above his outstretched arms in order to breathe: the weight of his body caused him to be unable to breathe. Eventually after being too weak to hold himself up he died of asphyxiation (being unable to breathe). His final words were “It is finished. Surely I am with you” and in doing so he redeemed us all of our sins to be washed white as snow and welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven for all of eternity. And now I have to ask you something: If Jesus can sacrifice his LIFE for you in such a terribly brutal way purely out of love, is it too much to ask you to sacrifice your sexual desire for the Lord in thanks? Why would I waste my time focusing on temporary worldly pleasures when I can use all of that energy and time to get closer to the Lord!? Then I am blessed with fulfilling eternal pleasures, that I wouldn’t trade the world for. The Lord is so incredible, and I urge you to run to him and beg Him to cleanse your heart: for the reward is too great and I promise you won’t regret a thing!
