So did you watch Reign Fall? Cuz I could use more emotional, angsty, post-eps for that whole ignored plotline in my life...
A/N: I’m not sure this is exactly what you were looking for @mashmaiden, but it’s certainly angsty.
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A Step Too Far
“Are you ok? You’ve been really quiet all night,” Kensi observed, tapping her fork against the edge of Deeks’ takeout container to get his attention. He pushed a bite around, frowning at it, and then shoved the container to the center of the table.
He’d just wanted to go home when they’d finished up at work today, but Kensi had convinced him to grab some takeout and eat at her apartment. Normally he’d like nothing more than to spend an evening with Kensi on her couch. Tonight though, Deeks was consumed by his own thoughts.
“I keep thinking about that kid from the other day,” he said with a sigh. It was a couple days since they’d arrested David Mills and prevented him from killing anyone else.
“What kid?”
“Richard Mills.” He thought of Richards’ obvious fear and confusion as they interrogated him. Richard would be undergoing psychiatric testing and enter a counseling program in lieu of being charged for his part in his brother’s plans.
Deeks had considered checking in with Estelle Mills, just to make sure Richard was doing alright, but had decided against it. Somehow he thought she wouldn’t appreciate a visit from any of them, especially him.
“He was just a pawn in all of this and I yelled at him, threatened him.” Deeks glanced over at Kensi and saw her fiddling with one of her nails, looking uncomfortable.
“We needed the information about his brother,” she said, all at once excusing his actions. He noticed her use of “we”, even though he didn’t remember her doing most of the shouting.
“Yeah, but Kens, it was clear that he was emotionally disturbed and being used,” Deeks reminded her. “And I used that against him. God, I threatened to beat him after his step-father probably did the very same thing for years.”
Setting down her food too, Kensi reached between them and took his hand, moving it from couch to her knee.
“Deeks, you didn’t know his history and a horrible as it sounds, you did what needed to be done. We both did. Yes, Richard Mills wasn’t completely responsible for his actions, but he had potential information and lives were at stake.
Deeks huffed out a bitter laugh, shaking his head as he pressed his lips together.
“See, that’s the thing. I try to rationalize it in my mind too, but it’s just another case of letting the ends justify the means.” He rubbed his hands over face, pressing his palms against his closed eyes. “It’s like Afghanistan all over again.”
And a dozen other times when he had crossed the line in the name of justice, or saving lives, or even for revenge.
Beside him, he felt Kensi still, and her grip tightened slightly. She knew about Afghanistan, what he had done to try and get her back.
“That was a very different situation, Deeks,” she finally said very quietly. “You didn’t hurt anyone this time. And I know that you never would have followed through on those threats.”
“I can’t be like this anymore,” he murmured, turning to look at Kensi and saw concern in her eyes. She thought she knew everything he was capable of, the depths of his violent nature. He feared the day she learned the truth.
Grasping her hand between both of his hands, he leaned forward, knowing he was about to ask a very big thing.
“I need you to help make sure I don’t do these kinds of things.” Kensi jerked back in surprise at his request, shaking her head slightly. He wasn’t sure what she was protesting, but he continued speaking before she could interrupt, “Promise me that you’ll stop me if I start losing control like I did with Richard, with that cleric. Please.”
His final, whispered plea seemed to change Kensi’s mind and she nodded reluctantly.
“I promise.”
“Thank you,” he said quietly. They were silent for a minute, food completely forgotten at this point and then Kensi added,
“You’re a good man, Deeks. No matter what you think you’re still a good man.”
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A/N: I’ve never been sure if Richard was supposed to have a possible intellectual disability, or some other disability that, that or was solely affected by his step-father’s treatment. I went with the only the latter for this story.
