My ex (21M) and I (21F) want to rekindle our relationship. I initially broke things off because we had been fighting very bad for 1 year (we had been together 6 years) and he once grabbed me by the t-shirt and shook me while yelling in an argument. Our bedroom was also almost dead and I guess I made a kind of rash decision to break up. I'm so anxious and I don't know how to best proceed. I know the stigma against on-off couples but before hitting this rocky period we had a solid relationship, no toxic behaviour.
Hey, there, anon! I hear what you're saying. 1 bad year of a relationship feels like a drop in the bucket compared to 5 great ones. It's extremely difficult to have gone through that half a decade and feel like it's just blown up out of nowhere, especially when you don't understand what has caused these issues. It can feel like it should be easy to fix because it was so good before. Why can't you just go back to that?
Now, I have very little of the story here, so I'm going to have to make some guesses and assumptions. It's okay if you read through what I say and disagree with it. I am going to be making some sweeping statements. I'd like to gently explore this idea with you that this was simply a rocky period and that breaking up was rash.
Let's start with the fact that the majority of your time together, and the majority of when things were good, was when you were children together. It's common for relationships to fall apart when you reach the next stage, such as when you become adults, when you graduate college and are ready to move onto the next step of your life, when there's career opportunities, etc. And a lot changes for us when we go from being legal minors to adults. We discover a lot about ourselves in this time, as we have more room and space to actually flex our independence and autonomy and discover who we really want to be.
At 21, you've had two potentially big life stages here of graduating high school/becoming legal adults and graduating college if you went that route. Even if the relationship had stayed stable and good, this alone could have been enough of a change to end up with you two being incompatible and moving your separate ways.
But there is also this underlying unhealthiness for the past year. While I understand one year is not a long period of time compared to the total time of the relationship, let's be honest. A year...is a good portion of time. This wasn't a month of out of character behavior. It wasn't a couple of months. It was 12 months where your relationship was devolving. Where there was constant fighting. Where things continually escalated until physical violence occurred (and yes, shaking you is physical violence). Although looking back on things, it may seem rather abrupt, this didn't come out of nowhere. It had an entire year to build and keep getting worse.
That's an entire year where there was 365 days of chances to de-escalate things. To stop and talk things through. To get help. To work things out.
But that didn't happen. The fighting continued, and it got worse. That's not just a rocky period. That's a pattern of behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter that you had 5 good years. Your relationship ultimately became unhealthy until it escalated to physical violence and you were forced to end things.
You stuck around for a year. Honey, that's not rash. That's giving your relationship a solid chunk of time to improve. You gave it your best until there was nothing left to give.
I don't know what caused this change in your relationship. I don't know what the fights were about. I don't know what feelings the fights might have even been hiding. I do know that once a relationship becomes physical, by far, the most likely thing to happen is that the violence continues escalating and getting worse.
You have a lot of attachment to this relationship because it's nostalgic and because it was so long. But dear, that doesn't mean you were rash. You were unhappy for a year and kept trying through it. Whatever things broke in your relationship? They really broke. You are allowed to cherish those great memories while admitting that the relationship was no longer working and it was only getting worse.
Right now, you're in a lot of big feelings because you've really just broken up. That's no time at all to process anything that happened or process your feelings! It's going to feel big right now. It's going to be overwhelming.
It will get better.
You are only 21. You still have so much life in front of you. So many new experiences you'll happen upon. So many more people to meet. This is just one small chapter of your life. Things feel overwhelming and sad now. You feel lost and hurting and confused. This is not the end of good relationships for you, though. There is opportunity in your life, and that doesn't come from your ex. That comes from you. You will build more good things, including relationships. It will be different from this relationship, but no less special or enjoyable or fun or loving. There are any millions of people out there you might connect with and build more exciting and/or more stable chapters with.
So talk to your friends. Spend time on your hobbies. Give yourself time to be sad and grieve and cry and let it out. But just remember that this is not the end of the world. Spend time with people you enjoy the company of and things you enjoy doing. Take it slow and take care of yourself. Just give it some time and the negative feelings and the doubt will pass. This is part of grieving. It sucks, but going back to a violent and unhappy relationship isn't going to change that: it's only going to stall that. The only way through it is to sit in the feelings for a bit, then to get back out and remember that you still have a life to live. Your heart will make room for new people and new love and new experiences. <3
Please feel free to message me as much as you need or want to vent or think.
