For decades we’ve shamed men out of having any gender expectations for women. But do women get to have their cake and eat it, too?
By: Lisa Britton
Published: May 3, 2026
For decades we’ve shamed men out of having any gender expectations for women. But do women get to have their cake and eat it, too?
I recently came across an article from The Economist about the so-called “Passport Bros”—Western men who are increasingly looking overseas for wives. The trend isn’t new, but the numbers are rising. These men are fed up with what they see as a mismatch in values at home. They want partners who embrace more traditional roles: women who value homemaking, loyalty, and complementary partnership over corporate ambition and constant negotiation over who wears the pants in their relationships. The overall discussion labeled these men “bad,” accused them of reinforcing damaging stereotypes, and warned that their choices “flatten relationships into roles” and “sell them back as aspiration”. In other words, men daring to have preferences about the kind of woman they want to marry is framed as a threat to progress.
For decades we’ve told men that traditional expectations for women like nurturing, supportive, and family-first, are outdated, sexist, and even harmful. We’ve shamed them out of voicing those desires. Yet somehow, the reverse conversation never happens. Women’s expectations for men? Those remain stubbornly traditional, and almost no one in the mainstream calls it out.
I was reminded of this the other day when a woman I know was chatting with me, misunderstanding my messaging when it comes to my advocacy work for boys and men. She’s progressive, successful in her work, and quick to share memes about female empowerment. “Lisa,” she said, “I’ll be honest—I want a real man. The masculine, protector type. The one who provides, who makes me feel safe, who treats me like a queen. Where have all the real men gone? We need to bring them back, right?” She expected me to nod along in solidarity. Instead, I stared at her, trying to find the right way to ask the question no one seems willing to ask: “Okay, but what are you offering him in return? Are you willing to step into a more traditional feminine role? To prioritize home and family like you want him to prioritize providing and protecting you?”
She blinked. The conversation shifted quickly to how that would be “well, sexist” and “limiting.” Suddenly the woman who wanted a traditional man was defending her right to a modern, independent life. It was a perfect microcosm of the hypocrisy I see everywhere.
The data backs this up, even if mainstream outlets rarely highlight it. Studies show that while women have flooded colleges and workplaces, their mate preferences have barely budged. Women, especially educated ones, still overwhelmingly prefer men who are at least as educated and financially successful as they are—or more so. They want emotional strength, financial stability, and physical protection. “Marriageable men” shortages are talked about constantly, yet the criteria for what makes a man “marriageable” remain rooted in old-school provider expectations. Meanwhile, men who voice parallel desires for feminine, family-oriented women are told they’re regressive.
This isn’t just theoretical. I’ve watched it play out in the lives of people I know. Take my friend who endured a brutal divorce. His ex-wife had spent years as the poster child for “smash the patriarchy.” She posted feminist memes, championed girlboss rhetoric, and insisted on total financial independence—until the marriage ended. Then everything flipped. She fought tooth and nail for the beautiful LA house, declaring with a straight face that “the woman always gets the house.” The same woman who had mocked traditional gender roles suddenly invoked them when it suited her. The entitlement was breathtaking. Side note: she’s still living in the house after a decade.
This pattern repeats across friendships, social media, and dating apps. Progressive women rail against “toxic masculinity” and traditional expectations for themselves, yet quietly (or not so quietly) expect men to embody strength, stoicism, and success. They want the six-figure provider who also does 50/50 emotional labor, the tall protector who never makes them feel small, and the decisive leader who still defers to their feelings on every decision. And heaven help the man who admits he wants a wife who cooks, keeps a warm home, and cheers him on rather than competes with him.
I don’t believe we should force traditional roles on anyone. I’m not here to police personal choices. What bothers me, what feels deeply unfair, is the one-sided shaming. Men are constantly told their desires are problematic, patriarchal, and in need of “unlearning.” Women’s desires are treated as sacred, non-negotiable, and beyond critique. If a man says he wants a feminine, supportive partner, he’s accused of wanting a “bang maid” or a doormat. If a woman says she wants a masculine provider, she’s simply “knowing her worth.” The cultural narrative has no problem with expectations for thee, but not for me.
This double standard is driving the very trends we’re seeing with Passport Bros and the broader male disengagement from Western dating. Men aren’t stupid. They notice when the rules are rigged. They notice when women demand traditional benefits without traditional trade-offs. And increasingly, they’re opting out or looking elsewhere.
The solution isn’t to shame women for their preferences but to apply the same scrutiny to everyone. If we’re truly for equality, then either all gender expectations in partner selection are fair game, or none are. Women should be free to want protectors and providers without apology. Men should be free to want nurturers and homemakers without being labeled misogynists. And both sides should be asking the harder question that rarely gets airtime: What do I truly offer someone? What am I bringing to the table beyond my checklist of demands?
Because relationships aren’t transactions, but they are exchanges. Pretending otherwise while enforcing a lopsided set of rules only breeds resentment. If we keep telling men their desires are backward while giving women a free pass, we shouldn’t be surprised when more of them decide the search for a compatible partner leads somewhere other than home.
It’s time to drop the hypocrisy. Women can’t keep demanding the best of both worlds while men are told the world they want no longer exists. Fairness isn’t complicated, it just requires the courage to apply the same standards to ourselves that we apply to the other side.
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There's no shortage of women eager to tell you what they expect of a man. But you never ever hear them talk about what a man can expect of them.
