Jealousy issues
I have a hard time with jealousy and it’s ruining my current relationship. I create issues in my head, accusations of things that don’t happen, and I’m wearing out my girlfriend. I want to learn how to stop hating every female (this is a lesbian relationship) that happens to exist in her life. it’s a horrible stream of jealousy that I know I own, but I’m not happy with it. I’m not happy with myself. I’ve had a past of trust issues, being cheated on, being in physically abusing relationships, just being with all the wrong people my entire dating life, and I’m taking it out on a relationship that is actually good. she even says to me that she’d be willing to fucking take one for the team and just cheat on me since I’m always accusing her. I’m scared honestly, that the only relationship I’ve enjoyed is just withering away. no one likes to hear things like that, but she’s right. I’m wearing her thin, I’m making things worse. I also have a bad habit I guess of saying that I’m going to stop but I can’t. and it’s not necessarily me not stopping, it’s just that things don’t change over night. change takes time. what do I do …!?
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Hi, Hun. It does take time to change, however, you may not have that luxury when your relationship is at stake. Changing behavior means changing thoughts. You will have to retrain and I think your partner can actually help you. Create a plan of what works for you, share it with her, and ask her to remind you gently when you are fall away from it. Working together can bring you two closer. People often do simple things like a rubber band or special bracelet around your wrist as a reminder. I write on my forefinger. Also, I made a list of all the logical reasons not to lose my temper and hung it on the refrigerator. I made another list for awhile that listed alll the wonderful things my husband did and hung it. All I had to do was get myself to the refrig when I felt my mind race or my body start to tense. As I read my list, I felt myself deflate. At some point, plain old self-control has to take over. It is a major self-improvement and something that makes us feel proud and well-adjusted.
You are so smart and logical but you’re letting your past and your emotions rule youur life. You know you need to take back control. It’s like being a slave to something you actually hate. Moving on from our pasts means to own it and use it to our benefit. We can learn so much from our past mistakes. Take with us the scars that make us who we are but leave behind the anxiety. You have found yourself a new life and new relationship. You made it. You moved past the bad and found good. Now relax an enjoy what is in front of you. Take control. Be in charge of your own thoughts and behaviors. Keep telling yourself, “I got this! She’s worth it. I’m better than this.” You know it, just keep repeating it to yourself, especially when you feel jealousy creeping in....before it bursts out of you.
(((hugs))) Good luck.
Tracey