#relationship security

[verdantburner]

I have learnt from a decade of non-monogamy that Relationship security built on numbers or comparison will fail. This includes:

counting dates

keeping time equal or "fair".

primary/secondary dynamics

being better at X than metamour

Life fluxes and changes. Numbered comparison fails the test of time. Instead, here are ways to grow relationship security with a partner:

proactive quality time, and tell each other what you love about it.

craft rituals and special things you do together. Example, a parting ways ritual, we hug, kiss and say each other's names three times before heading off to do our own things.

grow trust by talking about hard feelings without laying blame. "I feel X, I need Y". (Y cannot be controlling another's behaviour)

Explicitly agree on your dynamic and balances of care. Frame the relationship as a team.

Assume each other's best intent.

Share reassurance based on the people in the relationship, what about them lights you up, that it's okay to have messy feelings, etc.

make plans, dream together, be silly.

There's another secret way to grow relationship security! Reflect on what you want to offer in relationship, decide, and do it. Do it imperfectly, and do it often. This overlaps with the last one, but you can grow it in your own time too. Exact details will vary by relationship. Examples could be:

Choosing your personal relationship values to orient towards: Graciousness, freedom, love that is open handed instead of grasping, kindness, playfulness.

Tend to your partner regularly, with food, massage, sex, anything that suits you both.

Commit to taking space, reflect and rest when you can't embody your values

Gifts, scheming cute surprises, regular lovenotes, whatever feels romantic to you

Respecting a partner's autonomy as a sovereign being

Focusing on what one can give instead of what one can get

Reminding myself that I want the world for my partners, everything I can give them, and then some!

There is assurance and security in deciding how you want to be and doing it. Let go of comparison. Notice fear and choose to move with love. You deserve to know the worth you bring to a relationship and stand confident in it.

[mystoryfortheaudienceoftheworld]

Random Thoughts From A Married Woman:

Can we stop looking negatively at men who are in a committed relationship, but still comment on or like another women's photo on social media? 

 I never thought that while being married I would  receive “tattle tale” messages about my husband liking another women's post or saying some positive affirmation to them in a comment. Basically a “I think you should know about this” to imply my husband is doing something shady.

Don’t get me wrong I was in a long term negative relationship prior to being with my husband so I know that a significant other can totally have this go into the far negative of flirting (etc) with someone else. 

But honestly a random “Looking good today”, “have a nice day lovely”, or a “Like” on someones  post is nothing to be worried about for me. 

I think honestly it does boil down to the security that you have in your relationship or how you perceive a relationship to be.

My husband and me talk all the time if we have any issue on our mind. We always make a point to never leave something unsaid because holding it back can distribute the flow of the relationship. I know he love me to the end of time, and that will never change.

I found this article that basically sums up what I am trying to say in a great way:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/my-husband-thinks-other-women-are-attractive-and_b_5a0f2b62e4b0e6450602ea76

A few excerpts from the article:

“If you don’t trust your partner enough to go about their day or interact with others without the fear that they’re going to cheat on you, then you’re either with the wrong person or you need to work on yourself and hone in on why you’re so insecure.”

“ Many people aren’t loyal. Lots of people do cheat. But if you’re going to commit to a relationship or marriage with someone, you have to cut them a bit of slack sometimes. Noticing that other people are attractive is not only normal, it’s instinctual.”

[help-my-relationship]

Found pictures of my (45F) partner (50M) and ex (50F)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We’re both divorced from 15+ year marriages. He and his ex divorced over 3 years ago and they co-parent 3 kids together. We all live in the same city (I moved here a few months ago) and she lives about 15 minutes from him. They have a rocky relationship where they still fight a lot about things with the kids and personal issues. She still talks about them making decisions as a family and he often problem solves for her, even though he complains about it. All of these dynamics existed in their marriage from what he’s told me. He doesn’t set boundaries about it, though I’ve talked to him about that and he says he’s going to try to do that more. He still struggles with having to see her and the house they used to live in to drop off kids, etc. (she got the house). I’ve talked to him about whether he’s fully processed their divorce and he’s basically told me there’s no fully resolving it until his kids are out of the house and he doesn’t have to coordinate with her and doesn’t have to regularly go back to his old house. That’s years away. He’s had unhelpful experiences with therapists in the past so asking him to go to therapy has been unsuccessful. He thinks it’s a waste of time and that he’s doing really well, all things considered. So, the issue: 6 months ago, while my boyfriend was very inebriated, we were looking at some pictures on his phone in the photos app in his “hidden” folder that is password/faceID protected. In the process of this and some irresponsible scrolling, I accidentally saw that he had several intimate pictures of him and his ex from several years ago when they were still married. It’s clear that they’re in bed, naked under the covers, likely post-sex. I didn’t talk to him about them at the time because I was kind of in shock, was upset, and I didn’t think it would help/change anything. I worried that he would likely just hide more things from me if I confronted him about it, particularly since I was upset about it. Also, I wasn’t really ready to hear whatever his response was until I processed it more myself. At the time, the discovery really sent me into a spiral of self doubt but I felt like it was just my thing to process and get over. I know he made a conscious decision within the past 1-1.5 years to keep these pictures because he’s gone through his entire photo collection in the past year and sorted them. He had to decide to keep these and file them in the hidden folder. Also, he didn’t know about or use the hidden folder until I showed it to him about a year and a half ago so it’s not as if they were already in the hidden folder. It’s also important to note that in order for us to be together long term, I’ve moved states and changes jobs, which resulted in a huge pay cut (like, 25% pay cut), so it’s really frustrating to be expected to make all of these changes to keep the relationship, but then have him keeping things like this that he wouldn’t tolerate me having. I’ve spent time processing this and am in a better place about it but it still bothers me that he had these pictures. Any thoughts on how to approach it or whether I even should?

Look, I know that no one wants to be told to break up, but I think it's important that you recognize "I don't feel secure in this relationship, my partner isn't giving me what I want or need, and he isn't interested in taking the steps I've requested in order for him to do so, and so I'm going to leave" is a valid choice. He doesn't need to agree with your assessment that he's not over his ex/hasn't processed the divorce for it to be the reason you leave.

But if that isn't the choice you want to make right now (and you're consciously choosing that, not just choosing to stay because it seems easier), then sit down and consider what you want out of a relationship, if this relationship gives that to you, and if it doesn't - at what point that might become a deal breaker for you. Then, with a clearer mind, go try communicating with your partner again.

[ouija-oui]

6AM

I really don't understand how woman can have sex with a bunch of different men through out their lives. I started thinking about this and it's just something that I would never be able to do. Its come to my understanding that I can only and will hope that I will only have sex with my current boyfriend. I wouldn't feel comfortable in my self letting some other man into my life in that way if him and I would ever break up. I feel as if it's degrading for me. I have to much respect for my body and my boyfriend to ever let that happen. Even if some day we would break up.. I'd still wouldn't do it.

[mr-muppetface]

When I let go of the fear-based boundaries of our relationship and give [my husband] the freedom to explore whatever connection he builds with another woman, there is no need for him to stay because "he should". The only reason for him to stay is because he really wants to be with me.

Wilrieke Sophia, “The influence of polyamory on sexuality,” in Stories from the Polycule